Back to conforming with social norms in a way

I think you have experienced transphobia, and that's cruddy for a therapist to tell you something like that. That's so primitive and unprofessional, and the same goes for that friend who asked what's in your pants. That's intrusive and rude.

 

Transphobia to the max.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.

 

That therapist is uneducated on gender.

Your "friend" seems poorly educated too. What I don't understand, is why would you tell someone that you'll communicate with someone again, if you most likely aren't going to get back in contact with someone? Just be honest with your feelings, people!!!

Your friend is probably trying to wrap his head around this. Perhaps, he is hoping that you'll tell him that you "saw the light" and things could go back to be normal between you two. Honestly, if it were me, I wouldn't want to be his friend anymore based on how he treated me.

 

Let me start by saying I do feel for you. The amount of transphobia you've faced so far is terrible. I'm still in the closet about even questioning because of the fear of receiving it from some of the more important people in my life, so I understand.

But the bolded text is also a bit troubling too. While there's not enough here to say much on it, there is the hint that there's a bit too much in the way of expectations being placed on others as well. And that is something to be careful of. It is one thing to expect that people respect your self-identification, but it is another to expect others to change theirs.

Beyond that, there isn't really much that I can say that hasn't already been said in support of what you are going through.

 

And this is where I have to be careful, because from the other things said, this person likely wasn't terribly accepting. So, it is totally possible that the motivations behind claiming to be straight weren't entirely innocent in this case.

However, the point is more that this stuff isn't really cut and dry. But in general, the best rule here is to let people self-identify themselves, and respect that identification. It can get messy because of situations where one person may not even know how the other identifies at first. If pressured after that, it can probably feel like a bit of a "gotcha". And because in situations like yours, i imagine it can feel like erasure if the other person is less than willing to change their identification.

But at the end of it all, it isn't fair to expect someone to change their identification, for any reason.

 

Salaman while I prefer to be supportive I have to agree with Alex. I'm great friends with my ex, but we aren't a couple, because she isn't gay.

From their point of view it's really hard. He might love you and like being with you. But the way you make him feel is very similar to him telling you "look you're cis and straight, not trans, not a guy". It's just as invalidating. He is sure in who he is. But it's confusing, because he probably genuinely likes you. Part of him that he can't help may also be hoping that this will blow over, or that this will be a "sometimes" thing for you. That's especially true because you are non-binary; to him that might mean "sometimes you're a woman", and he may be holding out hope for that.

It doesn't sound like you two are compatible as a couple. I'm not compatible with a couple with my ex. But that's okay, we are good friends. You don't have to be sleeping with someone to have a deep connection with them.

 

You have a very interesting point of view on sexuality

You are right. It hurts and totally feels invalidating when someone doesn't see you for you, my heart goes out to you. I just think he honestly can't help only seeing what he wants to see. He is not trying to hurt you. He just can't change his sexuality, and it is telling him a different story. Attraction is a powerful thing.

I think you deserve someone that sees the real you, and he deserves someone he can be compatible with too. He likes girls. You aren't a girl. There are some men who are feminine enough to be attractive to me, but I don't pursue sex or a relationship with them because it won't work. I tried. I even dated another transitioner like me once. No regrets of course. Some things mother nature just won't let me, or your BF, get past. Like your BF, I just need a girl.

He is wrong for being against you becoming more male. The right thing is to leave the relationship and be your friend. Or if he is homo flexible, to admit that. But don't assume he is.

He is a straight guy. You can't change that, and it's wrong to try. Believe me there are a lot of women I'd prefer if they were gay or bi, and also cool with my being trans. I get a fraction of a fraction of the people I have a chance at compatibility with even before you get to personality, life goals, maturity, and other deal breakers for me.

---------- Post added 30th Apr 2015 at 07:05 PM ----------

It is going to be tough putting up boundaries, especially if you like him and he's persistant. It's not fair to you. But you are going to have to.

Yes it's transphobia working against you, but please don't hate him for it, that won't get him past it. He needs help getting past it, and that is going to take you insisting you be given room to live your life how you see fit without his support or validation.

 

I'd rather get transphobia than being missgendered any day. The first will make me hate the rest of humanity only, while the second will make me both humanity and myself as well.

I've been there, Salaman, trying to "go back to normal" and failing again and again... You can't fake you are someone else for a long time, and even if you do, it comes at a (high) cost : The high rate of suicides among trans proves this.

You found transphobic people on your way, that's all, it happens to all of us, and it will happen again. You need to develop strategies to cope with this : To get a thicker skin is a survival skill in all circumstances, and obviously being trans in this time, age and planet, makes it more obvious, unless you want to end up... Well... You name it...

About partners and that kind of stuff, get used to the idea that most of people is not pan or even bi, and they'll be with you not for what's inside of you, but mostly for what's between your legs, your voice, how good you fit into stereotypes and the lenght of your hair. It's up to you if you want to spend/lose your time with them.

There is good people out there too, and you'll meet them eventually.