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Has anyone had similar experience?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by BornCoward, Apr 28, 2015.

  1. BornCoward

    BornCoward Guest

    I'm a individual questioning my gender and sexuality presently but I was wondering if anyone has felt really awful about their gender before?

    When I was really young (I don't know why I thought this) I believed girls could chose if they had breasts or not, I decided I didn't want them.

    When I started developing breasts I didn't feel good about them and had a huge argument with my sister and mother about having to wear a bra.
    I try not to notice them too much when I'm getting a wash but the other day I looked down at them and felt physically sick.

    I also have a problem with the fact I have a womb. I sometimes get disturbing images about being pregnant, I hate having something like that inside of me, I want it to go away (as well as the periods, they're just generally horrible...)

    Has anyone else felt the same way? I can't tell if this is gender dysphoria or if I was just scared of growing up...I still don't like being called a woman though...I prefer to be a 'gentleman' ^^'
     
  2. Queero

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    Yes. Pretty much all of it. Yes. I can relate. And I'd say that there can sometimes be a fine line between gender dysphoria, and not wanting to grow up. I didn't want to grow up because I didn't have a chance to be a little boy for as long as I would have liked.

    So it was kind of both.


    I hope this helps you in some way.
     
  3. Matto_Corvo

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    That is dysphoria for sure.
    Mine is no where near that bad though.
    Like my friend above I feel I never got to be the boy I wanted as kid so I don't want to grow up till I get that chance. Sadly life waits for no one. Next life I will be a boy for sure.
     
  4. Queero

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    I think that's why part of me is so very mature for my age, and part of me still wants to run everytime I hear the ice cream truck coming, and I wish I could just pull off my sandals and shirt and run around in the sprinkler, just do things kids do that I was told I wasn't allowed to do anymore.

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2015 at 02:59 PM ----------

    And, what I tell people who have a question like "has anyone else ever felt this way?", in my experience, the answer has almost always been yes. :slight_smile:
     
  5. Lugia

    Lugia Guest

    Yes, I know how you feel. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I just stare at myself. I feel so confused. The main thing that comforts me in those times is when I remember that I don't have to know who I am yet. Discovering one's gender identity is a journey, and even though it's tough at times, I hang onto the hope that the end result will be worth my trouble. I hope you can have that hope also, and if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me any time :icon_bigg
     
  6. BornCoward

    BornCoward Guest

    Well I'm going to be 18 this year (techincally an adult) but I'm in no way into "adult" like things, I don't drink because alcohol tastes nasty to me X'D I've never been in a realtionship either (although, that lack of knowing my sexuality does sort of contribute to that X'D)

    But I never even considered my dysphoria was that bad...I thought it was maybe mild...the more I think about it...the worse it gets.
    I sometimes have those little fantasies about being a boy...more recently I've been wondering what it would be like to be a guy, actually saying in my head 'This would be easier if I were a guy'...I've never had a chance to discuss it with anyone but I was never sure if it was just me trying to envision my life from an alternative perspective or not...

    I did consider what it would be like to have a change of gender...but to be honest my personal opinion in the matter is I would only be happy if I was born a boy, but going through the transition wouldn't be the solution for me...

    This is the problem, I am so confused about what any of these feelings actually mean ^^'

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2015 at 08:38 PM ----------

    Thank you for sharing your opinion :slight_smile:

    (and thank goodness other people understand this issue!!! ^^')

    ---------- Post added 28th Apr 2015 at 08:41 PM ----------

    Thank you Lugia, that's always something I seem to forget...everyone around me is pretty much decided on their sexuality so it slips my mind that I don't have to make that decision immediately ^^'
     
  7. Matto_Corvo

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    I kind of feel the same way. Transitioning seems appealing to me, but I also think that I won't be 100% happy unless I was born male.

    I have thought about how much happier and better life would be if I was male. I don't mean as in I wouldn't have to live up to what people expect of women. My mom's family raised me to be whoever I wanted to be, so I can wear boy cloths if I wanted and I have already made it clear that children are not in my future. No one in my family pressured me into wearing makeup, I did because I thought it would make guys more attracted to me. I just constantly feel that I should of been male, and that raised in a female life has imprinted a lot of femaleness upon me. I don't want to be completely flat chested, but its not boobs I imagine on my chest but man pecs instead.

    My Dyshporia as a teen was bad, but it is below mild as an adult.

    and I am by no means an adult even though I am 23. I sometimes feel that i have no mentally progressed past 16. I don't drink, I have a fear of losing that much control. And have never done drugs. Also have never dated. In high school I wasn't attracted to anyone, and now I just don't feel like dating though I am attracted to men.

    I'm confused right along with ya, my current mental status is that I was a born a girl with an inner gay guy raging about and calling people Honey. What that means I will do in the future I am unsure, I will just take it one step at a time. First wearing men's clothes and getting a binder. Ask people to use male pronouns, and such. Its a process and a journey.
     
  8. BornCoward

    BornCoward Guest

    Its almost like I've been brainwashed into being a woman sometimes...generally the only things I don't mind about being female is the clothes because some dresses and skirts can be comfy (I say 'some' because some I would never dream of wearing...), but my parents would interrogate me if I wore boys clothes and acted more like a guy (I'm already a bit masculine).
    I get uncomfortable when my parents say I'm pretty (for one thing I'm not that attractive anyway) but what's wrong with wanting to be called handsome sometimes? And they also imply that boys hang out with me because they're interested in me...those are my friends...I don't think of them in that way...I know I have been attracted to boys in the past (but I think I may be attracted to girls too...)

    I actually only wear make up when I wear costumes (I'm a convention goer ^^') but even then I either wear it to hide my acne and generally I wear lots of male costumes and wear male make up most of the time.

    The breasts can really bother me sometimes tough...I'd like to be able to bind them sometimes...(I tried to use my costumes as a pretence to get a binder but my parents said 'no'...)

    Maybe it is just teenager things...I've been snapping at my parents much quicker than I usually do (I used to be so passive when they made me angry) perhaps I'm on my last lengths with them (I've just got to make it into university so I can get away from all of it...^^')

    I hope you will be okay though :slight_smile: You seem pretty strong and it sounds like you'll be able to come to terms with your identity, I hope you will :slight_smile: I wish you the very best!!!
     
  9. Matto_Corvo

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    You're strong as well ^_^

    I know my dad tried to brain wash me into being a certain kind of woman, and society does as well. According to my mom I wasn't a very boyish girl, but I did want to do whatever my brothers did..I was just never very good at it xD Feel out of so many trees.

    Yeah, I wear make up to hide pimples and scars and red cheeks, as well as for conventions. Gotta have that blue/purple eye shadow for Gakupo/Kaito (could of spelled wrong). My aunt calls me pretty. I like the compliment but I like being called handsome. Also never liked being called princess, I liked being called a knight or an overlord better xD

    Just think, in uni you can get a binder and buy male clothing!!
     
  10. BornCoward

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    I don't think I am...I'm physically building myself up but I've never had the courage to talk about things like sexuality (plus I'm so prudent about these issues I'm like a blasted Victorian usually X'D-)

    Oh my good gracious a fellow Vocaloid fan!!!!! :grin: (I've already encountered one when I first joined this site) Obviously people on here have good taste in music X'D
    I know what you mean, if someone called me a princess I'd challenge them to a duel like a true gentleman X'D (Overlord is a good title...I like that very much...)

    I KNOW!!! I actually met someone there on a visit day (to my first choice uni) who was standing there in male clothing, casually talking about their girlfriend and they were totally comfortable with it!!!!!!! (It was awesome...)
    I hope I might be able to be honest about myself without getting judged there :slight_smile:
     
  11. Matto_Corvo

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    It takes time to build confidence but you can do it!

    Yeah my besty got me into it. I love them.
    Yeah I told my friend that I was the overlord of mars. But I've always thought of myself as a knight, defender of the people. Hence my fondness for the name Alexander.

    I can't go to uni so I am trying to build confidence in myself at home. I love looking like a boy. I find myself both cute and handsome.
     
  12. BornCoward

    BornCoward Guest

    Vocaloid is pretty awesome ^_^ Who are your favourite singers? I like Miku (but pretty much everyone likes her X'D) then IA, Gumi, Namine Ristu and I reallllly like Luo Tianyi (one of the Chinese Vocaloids ^_^)

    Overlord of Mars, is one of the best titles I've heard...(you have your own planet, that's so cool!!!!! :grin:)

    Oh my goodness!!!!! I LOVE the name Alexander!(oh yeah...it does mean 'defender' doesn't it...X'D)
    I've recently been thinking of changing my name and I was fond of Alexander (but I guess if I chose a boys name people might notice I might not be conforming to the gender binary...^^')

    Why can't you go to university (if you don't mind me asking?) is it the fees? (I've just decided to accept I'm going to educated but in a load debt...X'D)
     
  13. Matto_Corvo

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    Gakupo and Kaito are my favorites, I always tend to be drawn to males. I was actually getting ready to cosplay as Gakupo (matryoshka style) when I had this huge ah ha moment that I realized that I really did like looking and feeling male. So the next day I dressed as Kaito (as in I wore the blue wig so that I had boy hair) and really loved it.

    I walked into my aunt's mother in law's house and she greeted me going "Hello, son." and I was like "Omg I can pass!" in my head...then my aunt corrected her. Later at my nephew's ball game she was telling my other aunt about it and they kept laughing and making jokes about it while I was insisting I didn't care if I was called a boy or not. I kind of liked that I was mistaken for a boy, but it also hurt that they were making a joke about. I'm not out to them though.

    they forced me to smile. For some reason when I saw that pic all i could think about was how my hips were so damn wide but it actually doesn't look that bad, I did put some weight on recently though so my hips are larger right now.

    sorry I know you didn't ask for all that. I'm just realizing how I like my face more and more the more boyish my appearance gets. Not sure what that says about me xD but for now I am not focusing on labeling myself, just figuring out my gender.

    if I do change my name I'll be keeping my first name 'Stacy' and changing my middle name to Alexander. Then my name will mean Resurrection defender of man. xD

    My grades were to low in high school, I went through a mega depression and let my grades drop because I just didn't see the point. I graduated highschool with a 1.7. I went to a two year technical college for a year and got my GPA up to a 2.5 almost. I'm thinking about going to back to either get the skills required to become a secretary or something of the sort or a massage person ( i know what they are called, my spelling skills have failed me) since I am told I have magic hands. But the fees are daunting as well. A pell grant will cover schooling at the technical college, so that is why i am thinking of doing that, then moving to a more LGBT friendly city in my state.
     
  14. Queero

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    CadutiMorte!

    I know this is unrelated to most of what's on this thread, but still, we're both keeping our kind of girlish first names, which used to be used as boys names, and changing our middle names. Didn't know anyone else was doing that!
     
  15. oncetherewasa

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    100% me on the chest stuff. People would always tell me "You're gonna get boobs one day and you'll start your period, too" and I literally thought "That won't happen to me. They're just trying to scare me with scary stories" hah.
    Puberty was a rough time. Wore a hoodie 24/7 in Texas summer weather. Stayed indoors all year and stopped hanging out with friends.
    I remember it felt like a cage closing in around my life and locking me in as female (I don't think I really thought of myself as female beforehand; it was just the way others categorized me).
    I refused to wear a bra and family kept pointing out my chest saying I needed to wear a bra.
    I was really embarrassed and didn't want anyone to see me and I didn't know how to act around people with this new "female" role.
    It really fucked me up emotionally and I just withdrew into myself and lived like an empty shell until I was in my late, late teens.
    Now here I am 20 years old and I feel like I haven't really lived or had any good experiences since I was 12. I feel I was kind of cheated out of my teen years.
    I'm still recuperating.
     
  16. Matto_Corvo

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    Well Stacy is the male spelling of my name lol But my middle name is Nicole and I have no strong attachment to it, while I love the name Alex/Alexander.

    but yeah, I don't have much dysphoria these days, though I will often look down when taken a shower and get annoyed with my hips. "why you so wide!" :tantrum:
    and I just wish my boobs would fall off. My intense dislike for them has turned into a strong apathy. My brain's coping mechanize for everything. "Our overlord is unhappy, make overlord feel nothing!"
     
  17. Queero

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    My middle name is Grace, and as I'm sure we've established, I hate it so much. Even if I was a cis girl I'd change it, I am the clumsiest person I know. But I like the middle initial G. So I went for Graham, because I like how it sounds, and I'm a Python nerd, so without realizing it at first, I named myself after Graham Chapman.

    And yeah, no feelings. I get that. I'll occasionally go through times where I'll get really dysphoric and be upset and just :frowning2:. And then I get really long stretches where I don't feel it hardly at all. It's fun! (No)
     
  18. Matto_Corvo

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    I laughed harder than I should of at that.
    I asked my mom if she remembered what I was like as kid (since I don't). As in if I was boyish, and she said I wasn't really boyish. But the way I remember it I was boyish. Her response to that was that I was young and that I always wanted to do what the boys (bro's and cousins) were doing. Be it climbing trees or playing sports or playing video games. But I also liked dolls, doll houses, and the arts.

    To be honest another reason why I made my middle name an A is because..
    eldest bro's initials: CAW
    2nd bro's initials: RAW
    and my new initials: SAW
    now we can all have AW names xD

    I think Graham is an awesome name, btw
     
  19. Queero

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  20. Matto_Corvo

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    omg lol xD Nice person to name yourself after in deed xD