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really fucked up

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by oncetherewasa, Apr 28, 2015.

  1. oncetherewasa

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    I've been having really bad depression in the past few months following my 20th birthday. I've been feeling really disconnected from everything and almost never capable of feeling happy. Sometimes I'll just look at something that seems happy and it'll literally make me cry for 10 minutes.

    Most of this I believe is stemming from how much thinking I've been doing lately. I've been thinking a lot about the past, including my childhood and a lot of bad memories that I've blocked out for years.

    And I've been seriously considering my identity and transition. I was raised in a family that doesn't condone any sort of LGBT things and was definitely taught, however subtly, that all LGBT related people/things are inherently wrong and unnatural,etc. I don't believe any of this now that I am older and my parents have broken away from this way of thinking but it is still ingrained in me.

    I can't help but feel ashamed and crazy when thinking of my identity from an outsider's perspective and the thought of telling anyone else makes me feel ill. I'm not even sure if I'd be capable of transitioning.

    And I've been feeling super guilty about everything. Just how I was never what anyone wanted me to be when growing up. And how I never fit in with anything or one. And how almost my entire family will have nothing to do with me if I come out to them. And how I can't stand living with my assigned gender. I just feel like a fucking burden and waste of space.

    Like I don't even have a purpose anymore. I don't even know what the hell I'm doing. Any kind of dream I had when I was a kid and gender never entered my mind has all but died. I already dropped out of high school from anxiety and dysphoria. Haven't even started college yet. And I had such good grades when I was younger before puberty hit. I had career plans and wanted to do so many things.

    And of course I'm a failure for that too. My whole family is just mind boggled over the fact that I did so poorly in high school then dropped out (since I was the family nerd when I was younger).
    I'm just sitting here doing nothing. It's been 2 years since I got my GED. I feel like I can't do anything.

    I want to transition but it fucking scares me and I have anxiety just thinking about all the medical appts and money. And changing my name. It doesn't even seem like me when I change so many things. I have so much anxiety over money. I can't afford therapy or anything. I am broke, living with my bigoted grandparents who would 100% guaranteed kick me out if they knew I was trans. I would definitely move before anything else if I had the money anyway.

    It also scares me to think of not transitioning, of just wasting away due to some stupid fears. I can't even stand to think about any of it. I just have a gnawing pit in the bottom of my stomach that keeps coming and going. I've just been spending all my time and energy trying not to think about anything. And even more time is being wasted. I'm tired of it. I wish gender would just go away so I could live.
     
  2. AfraidandAlone

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    sorry i cant really help but i hope you are able to figure things out.
     
  3. Lawlett

    Lawlett Guest

    I understand what you're going through.

    If you need someone to talk to, feel free to shoot me a message.

    Never lose hope.

    Regards,
    -L-
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    Out to everyone
    I don't have an advice but at you can shoot me a message if you ever need to talk.
     
  5. oncetherewasa

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    Thanks, everyone, for the responses. I was having a moment and really needed to get all that off my chest. I can't send any messages right now, I guess since I haven't made enough posts recently
     
  6. Matto_Corvo

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    You can post on our walls though :grin:
     
  7. Schloss

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    Before we take the fight outside, we have to end the fight within. Unfortunately the vast majority of people are just so fucking stupid. You are not the waste of space as you claim. They are. You write so eloquently and you've gone through a lot more than you've had to, which makes you more intelligent than a lot of other people. I'm sure it took a LOT out of you for writing that. Don't try to connect with people who won't give you a chance. I guess I also don't have enough posts for messaging but feel free to continue the exchange here. Please know that if worse comes to worst, there are ALWAYS affordable/free options. Just keep writing. We gotta help each other out...
     
  8. DoriaN

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    I went through much of what you described.

    I'm the academic one, my coworkers tell me "You're too smart for this job, why are you here?", yet I dropped out sorta. By sorta I mean I graduated the year but never passed all classes.

    Can feel like a vortex of misery. I continued on just ignoring or denying myself and then finally hit a breaking point at around 22/23. It was insanely scary, I have a lot of anxiety issues, disliked shopping or being in public for anything, could not eat food in restaurants have to eat in my car or someplace secluded.

    I'm still getting over a few fears and insecurities, but I've gone ahead with transition, and while there were some kinks it was defn the right idea. My family is still having trouble with it, my dad pretty much pretends nothing is going on but my family was very much of the 'it's sin' aspect of it.

    They seem to be warming up a bit though, they realize their child that was happy and outgoing and smart has wasted away and is depressed and miserable and a shutin.
    It'll be hard, but I think when a family realizes there is no convincing the child otherwise, they warm up to it sometimes.

    Since they have no choice but to face this issue that before was not entirely relevant to them, they start to see it in a different light. It's very hard for a parent to reject their own kid, especially if the parent is known to be loving.

    Would your family completely abandon or leave you? If they're your family they would not. Though it's scary none the less, you are loved, and the support will come; even if it feels late.

    My father watched the Bruce Jenner interview, and my mom says to give him time. Sometimes it takes your bravery to start breaking down the walls of ignorance. Not saying it will be easy, but be honest. Could you lie? Could you lie all the way to your grave? I wanted to, then I realized my grave was fast approaching.

    If you know you have to transition or lose yourself, then it's a matter of 1 step at a time. Take it a day at a time, and try to plan. Think, "Okay, first I need to officially talk to someone", or "I'm going to get this crappy fastfood job to start establishing myself".

    I've been on and off transitioning for 3+ years now, and I'm still working on it. My only regret in life is I did not do all this sooner or talk to my family more, because I was so scared/ashamed.

    The inevitable will always happen, so why not start it sooner than later? Just be honest with yourself, and understand not what you want to do, but /have/ to do. If you truly have no choice, then good! You have no choice, ez pz, decision and plan made.
    1 step at a time, even if it's something small like reading or talking.
     
  9. oncetherewasa

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    Thank you all, it really means a lot to have some support right now.

    That's true, Schloss, and something I really need to work on. A lot of my feelings and true self have been buried for years in an attempt to "be normal" and not disappoint any disapproving family members. It's just hard to feel differently about something when that's how you've been taught to perceive things for so long.

    I can definitely relate to that, DoriaN. Almost exactly.
    A miserable, depressed shutin with lots of anxiety issues. Sometimes I can handle the anxiety and go places by trying to ignore it and attempting to "act normal" but it always catches up with me and I just feel panicked/empty.

    I know my parents wouldn't abandon me.
    My mom is 100% supportive of me, regardless of what that entails. I know she will adjust to anything and always love me for who I am.
    My dad is very awkward and doesn't like to think or talk about it. He was raised with an even more ridiculous, warped view on LGBT matters. But I know he won't give up a relationship with me, even if he doesn't like/understand my identity.

    As for the rest of my family, they are very closeminded about a lot of things, LGBT acceptance being only one of them.
    They vary from "oh, is he gay?? omg weird, ok bye." to straight up "god, that's so disgusting. people are being desensitized to sin and the world is ending!"
    My grandparents are probably second worst out of the whole family. I don't think they've even heard of transgender and if they ever did they would pass out from the pure exertion they would put into condemning it.
    I currently live with them and rely on them for a place to stay so it really affects my psyche, being around them so much. I mean, a CoverGirl commercial will come on featuring Ellen Degeneres and my grandmother will actually moan and then go on a rant about how much she hates her and how she's ruining the world.

    The most non-accepting and cruel person in my family would be my aunt, solely because she knows so much about all things LGBT and even IS a lesbian yet still goes out of her way to try to make LGBT people feel ashamed and try to change them. I'm positive she had a strong impact on my way of thinking while growing up.
    She's a "reformed lesbian" who started a non profit ministry to "help people with unwanted same sex attractions". She basically describes this as "it's okay to be *blank* but every time you act on it, you're sinning. you just need to have a strong, personal relationship with god and be miserable your whole life. your occasional, partial happiness comes from him."
    She was just visiting this last Christmas and my other aunt who is a nurse was there and was telling stories from the new clinic she works at (which happens to be endocrinology). At one point she brought up a trans guy and the conversation went something like: Nurse aunt: *whispers* oh, and last week a tranny came in." Minister aunt: "oh, a guy trying to be a girl or a girl trying to be a guy?" Nurse aunt: "well, a girl trying to be a guy. I mean I could tell 'cause she still looked really feminine and still had her..ya know *whispers* boobs" Minister aunt: "HA yeah, and it's funny 'cause they'll never be anything but what they were born as" Nurse aunt: "yeah. it was just..CRAZY, hahah"

    I knew my minister aunt wouldn't ever and will not ever accept me. (if anything she'll harass me and "send prayers")
    But that really let me know how that section of my family feels about trans people. My nurse aunt is the most accepting of the rest of my family in regards to LGBT stuff. She thinks being gay is a sin but that it's just as small as lying or being jealous so she has a few gay friends but I really wouldn't call her an ally. I don't think she even begins to understand transgender people.

    I have a distinct memory now from 7th grade where she was talking to a bunch of mothers from my cousin's school that came to her house and she was discussing a transwoman saying "I mean, that's so dumb. If he liked girls he should have stayed a guy, I mean you're already a guy, why would you make yourself into a girl then like girls??" -_-

    I feel like I'm just ranting about my family now haha
    All I know is my whole family would freak out and want nothing to do with me (if not for it just being "socially" unacceptable to some of them) if they knew.
    And it really hurts to think about that.
    Just imagining some of their horrible reactions..

    I feel like I should move away before doing any transitioning. My first step is to get a job.
    I've been putting it off (anxiety) but I know I need to do it if I want to start heading in the right direction.
     
  10. Schloss

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    I think what your aunt is doing is covering her own shame of being a lesbian by employing a classic Freudian defence mechanism. I remember once, I was in the train with my then-boyfriend and another guy started snickering away. I looked at him and realised that I once had a fling with him... When he saw my face more clearly, he was petrified. I was very angry at the guy for weeks on end but I realised, he's probably suffering a lot. Your aunt comes from a generation even earlier than yours and she internalised so much hate towards anything LGBT, that when she amplifies this hatred, it acts as a form of "release" -a catharsis. But little does she know that she's harming herself more. I know things get really terrible sometimes but we have no choice BUT to be strong. Sometimes even breathing is hard to do, but you're still breathing now.

    I'd definitely recommend moving before transitioning. It'll just be an extra hassle which you really don't want to deal with. Are there any LGBT support groups in your area? I'd just like to say, don't go through this yourself. Write, talk, and reach out continuously.

    There are many people in your situation. The good thing you're doing is reaching out. You never know, it may help others in the process too. Oh and I think your mum is an absolute gem.
     
  11. oncetherewasa

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    I think you're right. She was a very out and proud lesbian that dated quite a bit when she was in her teens/early 20s. My mom tells me she used to go with her to lots of gay bars to hang out and they regularly went to showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show.
    Then she had this big "religious experience" and renounced all things LGBT, married some random guy from her church and started going to school for a theology degree.
    I feel this was most likely due to hatred, disgust and no acceptance from my grandmother. I don't know why it is, but my grandmother is SO hateful towards gay people yet also sort of obsessed with them.
    She just has to go on and on every time she sees/hears about a gay person/character on TV or in real life. I think she has some issues with herself, though I can't fathom what they would be.
    I know she and my aunt affected my thinking from a young age. I was a very androgynous tomboy and my aunt was always very weird about it. She has the most condescending way of speaking to a person. She takes on this soft (not her usual) tone of voice and is so demeaning and makes you feel like shit.
    I really can't stand it. She's so manipulative.

    Sadly, no. I live in a conservative Texas area. There is 1 gay bar in town that most people make fun of. All of the LGB people I've met here are very transphobic as well.

    The nearest support group is in Dallas, which is a little over 2 hours away. I think they only have meetings 1 day out of every month, though. I'm definitely willing to drive to it, but need money for gasoline. Again, I've got to find a job.

    Thank you. I really need to since there's no one to talk about it with in person. This last year since coming to terms with everything and coming out to my parents has been extremely difficult, made even more so by my living situation.
    My mom really is the only reason I'm still here at this point; she has been the best.
    I'm looking forward to getting to a more positive place and feeling happy; starting to live again.