So Lately I've been thinking a lot about my gender. I don't know what to think about it so I'd like someone's opinion on this. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, have been hospitalized twice for suicidal actions/thoughts and self harm and maybe my unacceptance of these thoughts could be a problem I didn't realize was contributing to my depression and anxiety. When I was little I wanted to be a boy. I would steal my brothers clothes and wear them around my room. Once I got my first boy shirt I was so happy. I remember wanting to wear it all the time. I begged my parents to let me cut my hair short and when I finally did I was proud of myself. Kids who didn't know me had asked me if I was a boy or girl and I liked that feeling of them not being able to tell. I'm thirteen now going on fourteen in a month and I've let my hair grow back to my shoulders and plan on growing it longer. I like it that way. I like to occasionally wear makeup and skirts and dresses and girl clothes too. But every time I look in the mirror I hate my body. I feel like I shouldn't have breasts or a vagina. I look into my future and I see myself as a mom with kids. How is that possible if I'm so uncomfortable with my female body. I miss the times when I was a kid and no one could tell if I was a boy or girl. I want that again. I love being female but I also love the idea of being a male. I find it hard to look at myself and be happy. Once my one friend said she'd be okay and supportive if one of our friends were transgender. That made me light up. I'm really confused and lonely. These kinds of questions make my depression all worse and I'm thinking maybe one of the reasons I'm so unhappy is because I'm so confused about my gender. I think if I knew what I should be it'd be one step closer to getting better. I just don't get how I could be transgender but still want to be a mom in the future. I hate my female parts so much but I feel like if I no longer had them I wouldn't be me anymore. Some days I'm fine being a girl and like other days are horrible and I just want to be a guy. Is this like a real feeling that happens to people or what?
You could very well be bigender or genderfluid. The mom thing could be you wanting kids in the future and projecting your assigned gender onto the dream.
Thanks. I've been thinking I might be bigender or genderfluid but I wasn't sure. Haveing anouther opinion is nice to know because it brings me one step closer to figureing this out.