Hi everyone. I did write a post about something similar a while ago but after a few weeks I've managed to make my own problem about my identity clearer. Any help would be very much appreciated, because I feel like I'm going mad doubting this all the time. I am struggling a lot with my identity, and after finally acknowledging to myself I am attracted to guys a month ago I've been worrying a lot about gender identity. I understand that gender identity and gender expression are two very different things, and I feel my fear lies mainly with identity. I like being a guy. I feel comfortable wearing guy clothes and feel sexy when I wear them right. When I want to impress a guy I want to look as masculine as possible, and I've been waiting to have a beard for years. I've never even consciously minded people calling me 'he' and 'his' until I started questioning, and now I just feel insecure whenever they do. Part of me is very curious about what it would be like for to be a girl, but when I try to imagine myself as one I simply can't. Imagining what my face would look like as a female terrifies me. I just don't feel like that would be me. I kind of feel like it'd be hiding myself from the rest of the world by becoming a woman. When it comes to sex I also feel no inclination to being in any way female. I feel like I would be sexually dominant in a relationship, and straight sex is disgusting to me. I feel no identification with the woman in a sex scene. At the same time, however, I don't know if I feel manly enough to be a guy. I like to many 'girly' things and I'm really sensitive. I'm also a very passionate Christian, and being gay is like this enormous block I experience in my faith. It's like I'm not supposed to exist. I do have a suspicion that I'm using transsexuality as a means to stall or avoid confronting myself with my identity as a gay man, but I can't get rid of the doubts. How do I know for sure? I don't really know how to deal with this issue. Am I trans* or am I simply in denial about being gay?
Being sensitive and liking "girly" things doesn't mean anything other than that you're a feminine person. Everything you described makes you seem like a cis gay man, but only you can truly know what gender you are. You need to explore how you really feel. I'll get you started. Ask yourself these questions: 1. Would I feel better if I had a woman's body? 2. Can I imagine the rest of my life as a woman? Does it make the future easier to plan? 3. If you were given the opportunity to change your biological sex as you please, how would you use it? 4. If tomorrow you woke up looking like a woman, how would you feel about it? 5. How would you feel about having a feminine body shape, including breasts and wider hips? Here's how I feel as a binary woman, just as an example: 1. I could definitely not live life in a man's body. 2. If I try to imagine my life as a man, it's not happening. I can't imagine any future I would be even remotely interested in living as a man. 3. I would just remain a woman at all times. If you would like to change back and forth regularly depending on the day, you may be non-binary (perhaps genderfluid). If you would just like to try it out sometimes for a laugh, or just to see what it's like, you're probably cis. 4. If I woke up looking like a man tomorrow, I would be devastated! I wouldn't be able to leave the house or go anywhere near mirrors. 5. It feels very right to me. I just woke up, so I hope these questions make sense to you. Answer them honestly and I think you will have some idea of who you are. If you feel strongly that you're a male after these, you probably are most likely a man. But if you feel unsure still I would also look up non-binary genders. If you feel certain that you're a woman, give yourself lots of time to let it sink in and really make sure you're right. If you feel you might be somewhere under the trans* umbrella, getting a gender therapist would be a good idea. Hope that was of some use to you, and good luck!
Well, when I went to a sexology clinic I was pre-diagnosed with ego-dystonic homosexuality with gender dysphoria aspect. Because I naturally tend to imagine myself as a male-bodied when fantasizing about having sex with a woman the doctor assumed that homosexuality causes me some kind of a distress and I just imagine myself as a male in order to avoid being a lesbian. In the end I was diagnosed with gender identity disorder because in my case I really have no internalized homophobia and the only reason I find it somewhat wrong to call myself a lesbian is the fact that I see myself more on the male side (I used to have lots of gender dysphoria as a teenager) which actually makes me feel more straight than gay. Like HappyGirlLucky said, being sensitive and liking "girly" things doesn't make you automatically a woman. I may be wrong but considering you like being a guy, feel comfortable wearing guy clothes and to imagine yourself as a woman terrifies you I think you rather have internalized homophobia (probably caused by your Christian upbringing) than that you're a trans woman. Wishing you all the best. (*hug*)
