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30 and finally coming to terms

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Jediknight36, May 4, 2015.

  1. Jediknight36

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    So Im finally coming to terms with the fact that I am genderfluid/agender after over 30 years. Ive had a failed marriage where I was reminded about it from her and her family how much of a man I was not. That was after growing up, just not fitting in. If I ever feel one way or the other, its not for long. And usually, I just dont feel anything. The problem is, Ive just done what was expected of me as far as how I look. And Ive really tried to act all manly for folks, but I dont look anything but male. Due to medical conditions, I started balding in elementary school, and now have to cut my hair really short. And because people took me more seriously, I grew a beard. I hate facial hair. So Im not sure how to even express how I feel inside. I have read elsewhere that people will wear kilts, which is what I will be looking into, but other than that, Im kind of lost. Its all so new, I feel like I should have done this years ago. But I didnt know there was another option. Sigh. ive rambled enough. I hope I made some sense.
     
  2. Matto_Corvo

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    Never to old to start figuring out who you are, :grin:

    I know some guys, who on days they feel girl, will wear makeup and try to wear some feminine style clothing. They wear female hair bands around their wrist, usually they start with subtle things like that.

    Hopefully someone with better advice will come along

    love your username by the way :starwars:
     
  3. Jediknight36

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    LOL thank you. Its an old username Ive been using since I was in high school. Just my internet persona. Probably should have used a different one, but se la vie.

    ---------- Post added 4th May 2015 at 06:31 PM ----------

    May I ask, what is "masculine agender"?
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    I got the term from here click click

    well, agender means
    1~genderless, lack of gender
    2~gender neutral (usually in the sense of not identifying as a man &/or a woman, but still having a gender)
    3~sometimes often overlapping with neutrois
    4~having an unknown / undefinable gender /not aligning with any gender
    5~no words that currently fit what you identify as
    6~not knowing &/or caring (possibly not knowing or caring about what your gender is &/or how you label it, if you decide to at all)
    7~identifying more as a person than any gender at all
    So for me, 2,6, and 7 are the ones I use to describe my gender best.

    So I'm agender and I tend to identify and present masculine. I feel masculine agender is what describes me best.

    and if I hadn't fell asleep I would of answered sooner xD
     
  5. Invidia

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    When they said you were not a man - were they wrong? I've always, and is still often, been called a boy, a guy, a be-penised person whose identity is equal to their penis. It sucks, it really does. But it might feel better for you if you actively admit they were right - you are not a man. That is a mantra many trans* people like "I am not a man." (opposite for trans *people designated female at birth).

    So what do I do now? Well, I buy lipstick, eyeliner, skirts, ladies' coats, and I say 'Scr*w you, Social Norm, I'm not having one more word from you, I'm doing what I want now.' If you feel you want to dress androgynous a bit, do so. And discuss with people you trust, just chatting about it helps a lot. I have been touched nearly to tears by friends and family in their response, even if I've been angry with them too.

    Feelings are by nature irrational. But I know what you mean, and you made sense :slight_smile: If you have more questions, put 'em down here!

    Lots of love, hugs, and kisses <3 (*hug*) :kiss:
     
  6. Jediknight36

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    Thank you all. CadutiMorte, I completely understand. LOL. Im just up late. Im still learning all the different ways one can describe themselves. It is all so new. Im having to almost reprogram my way of thinking to accept all this.

    Triflow: That is something that never even occurred to me. While they meant it as an insult, they were correct. But Until recently, I didnt even have a name for what I am. Now I just have to figure out how to get this body to finally reflect how I feel inside instead of just going with what I have been told, and hopefully I can get folks to understand it. I really wish I coudl erase all gender features from me. Theres even an anime that talks about this. I fell in love with it because of the agender/genderfluid people in it. Just thinking about telling anyone, let alone myself, is scary. Only three people outside this forum know.
     
  7. Matto_Corvo

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    yeah, my dad use to tell me that for a girl I acted to much like a boy. Was an insult, but also happen to be very true. Wish I could erase gender features from myself as well. Also kind of wish I could transition into male but not 100% sure that is what I should do.

    just take everything one step at a time and find out who you are and what you should do to be you.
     
  8. Just Jess

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    Whoever you are, the way it seems from this side of the monitor, is someone you have never had a chance to even figure out? I know how frustrating that is.

    So if you want help carving that room out you're in a great place for that :slight_smile:
     
  9. Jediknight36

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    Yes. Thats what I really need to do. I havent allowed myself a change to get to know this part of me. Never allowed myself to explore. More so in recent years, but not nearly as much as I have in the last few weeks. I hope I can ask the right questions to get the right answers. 42 aint cutting it right now. ;-)
     
  10. Just Jess

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    Ha I know what you mean. Well we all just have our own experiences, but we do our best. Feel free to friend or wall message me. I am insanely busy these days, I stepped down as adviser because I was going weeks without answering PMs, but that doesn't mean I or anyone else here won't do anything we can to help.

    I do want to say, do not feel bad about waiting first of all. I started at 31. My last girlfriend was a transutioner like yours truly, and bald, but I was insanely jealous of her wigs. She looked very womanly - Very - and started only a few years before me. I also have another friend, he except when she is performing, and either way I am so jealous of that body, none of my hormones or medicine at all.

    Which leads to something really important I learned along the way . It is really easy to compare ourselves to other people and always find sonething to feel bad about. Every man sees people stronger and more successful, I and every other woman see petite loveable figures impossible to have for ourselves. You really have to learn how to play your own game so to speak. I have a body I am more comfortable being in and I can live my life and follow my dreams now. I don't have to be the prettiest belle at the ball, I am happy just to dance.

    The other thing I have learned that I think will help is grace. What I mean by that, is responding to all the things you're scared of - people laughing, losing friends, maybe being seen as attention seeking or just stared at - with a smile. It isn't always easy, but I have discovered a concept I call running toward my problems. It is hard to stare at me when I'm smiling back and looking you in the eye. It's hard to be a jackass and laugh at me when I'm laughing too and none of your friends are. Most people are actually cool. They don't care. They notice less often tgan you think, and when they do, they treat me with just as much respect. When I get scared, I remember how good it felt to be me and have respect at the same time. I'm still running, it's fight or flight, just toward what I'm afraid of is all. Of course this approach like any has its drawbacks. Whenever I feel like I'm backsliding tgat makes me more nervous. "Boy mode" - especially as I am always visibly queer now - does not feel "safe" like it used to. I have a feeling either "boy" or "girl" will lose that comfort for you one day if you take this road. But overall it is way easier to navigate through the world this way, and I do the things I want to do with my life now, and that is what really matters to me.

    Best of luck to you. Remember people can only stare. They can't hurt you, and wouldn't last a day in your shoes.