Hi everyone. I came here to get advice from anyone who is/was in a similar situation to my own. I've never actively sought help / advice from anybody until now. I was born into a female body, but I've known since I was a very little kid with full certainty that I should have been born a male. I've expressed my desire to be male to a few close friends in a very general way, but I haven't told anyone about the emotional distress that my female body causes me. If I had a magic wand, I'd instantly switch into a male body, but I don't think I could ever hormonally/surgically transition for a variety of reasons, so for now I guess I'm trapped in a body that makes me feel anxious and physically sick on a pretty regular basis. I usually dress in an androgynous or male way with androgynous hair cuts and it helps me to feel more at home in my body, but when my clothes come off it triggers severe self-loathing and depression. I've come to learn (despite a very "traditional" upbringing) that there is no particular way that men and women should look or act, and I am comfortable dressing how I want and expressing my true personality, but that doesn't help my issues with my naked body. I'm a very sexual person, but I often find it hard to engage in sex with my boyfriend because of the way my body makes me feel. We still do it somewhat regularly, but it just completely turns me off sometimes when he touches parts of my body that I despise (mainly breasts and hips). Sometimes mid-sex I almost want to vomit when these feelings overwhelm me. I haven't mustered the courage to tell him about this, though I've told him about my gender dysphoria in a more general sense. He has been amazingly understanding and accepting. He is bisexual, and has told me he occasionally wishes he were female, so that gives us a bit of common ground. But he doesn't struggle with dysphoria to my knowledge, so I'm nervous about sharing my deeper concerns related to this problem. I don't think I've ever had sex without pretending I was someone else (male), and none of my sexual fantasies involve my present body, nor have they ever. I only ever feel fully myself when I use male avatars in online situations and pretend my real body doesn't exist. Throughout most of my life I've tried to push these feelings aside (28 years), but I'm ready to acknowledge that they are causing big problems (alcoholism - helps with the sex issues, anorexia - helps with the hips and breasts problem, and general depression - because it's hard for me to love this body). Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with these feelings, besides transitioning? Do they ever lessen or go away, or is this how it's going to be forever? Is there any way I can learn to love my body for what it is, and enjoy my sex life more? What can I do to feel less shitty about myself if I choose not to change? Thanks for taking the time to read. I'd be very grateful for any tips you might have to offer.
You might have a look here for a few thoughts that might help: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/157521-faab-masturbation-thread.html#7 Would it help you if you would cover breasts with a tshirt ? They could gently caress you in other places. Concerning your naked body, you might simply not look at it... avoid mirrors, maybe wear a tshirt.. and concentrate on the things you like... your hair... etc... Being trans is a spectrum. There is no only one right way, and its up to you where you feel comfortable. I'd say go with a feeling of joy. And you do not have to have surgeries, etc. Its all up to you. Its a step by step process, so I'd say take the time you need, but keep at it. Just take the next step, and see where it takes you. Questions to ask could be: would you like a bit more male body to be a bit more happy? And you don't have to identify as man all of the time. How would you like to be perceived ? You might start with easy reversible steps, like changes to hair and clothing style. You might look for a counselor to help you along.... preferably a gender therapist... not a gatekeeper but a supportive person... if you feel you are not supported you might look for another. There should be a counselor at college, for example. And you might look for support groups, or join a gsa. For more thoughts you could have a look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/comin...m-doesnt-know-im-actually-her-daughter.html#2 You might try meditation/relaxation exercises, and a few minutes of exercise every day... like walking...a few situps... and healthy nutrition, with fruits and vegetables, maybe even organic, and cutting on high sugar drinks, using good water instead... There is nothing wrong with you. You are this way, and its nobodys fault. There are nice people out there who will accept you for who you are. And it might be easier if you would have a bit more self aceptance... but as said its a process, it will work out, just keep at it. Just take your time. And it can be a wonderful process to explore what you like. Please remember its a step by step process, many have gone it before and succeeded. The end result might feel a bit away, but if you concentrate on the next step and take it step by step its easier. And please reach out if you feel like it... you might talk to a friend or call talkline - GLBT National Help Center they also have a chat Trans Lifeline - (877) 565-8860 - Transgender Crisis Hotline People are there to support and help. hugs
Thank you very much for your thoughtful response. I really appreciate it. I'm going to check out the links you sent me right now and maybe try to look into some counselling. Reading other people's posts on here is helping me to feel less alien.
