Hey guys I would like some feedback from more experienced people about lesbian sex. When I was in high school I realized I was a lesbian but ashamed of it so I hated myself for it. This boy sent a mass text around my high school saying I like girls and basically it was a mean childish thing. He did it because we were friends then stopped. It was mean and spiteful. It really hurt me and made me more embarrassed of my sexuality. It gets worse. I went to college right after, fell completely head over heals for a girl then joined the sorority she was in because I like her so much and I trought she liked me too so I hit on her then was rejected. During sorority hazing they would tease me about my sexuality and make me do things like propose to her or say "I'm a lesbian" blah blah, it sounds childish but it effected me negatively. I pushed all feelings for women ( emotional and sexual deep down) basically ignored the fact I was a lesbian and stopped myself from liking girls. But now I don't care anymore I want to embrace my sexuality but don't know how. I was having sex w a girl my age who said she was bi so I immedialety treated her like just a sexual encounter bc I don't think I could date a bi person. So we had sex then I woke up in the morning scared and left at 8 am, pretty much w/o a word. We had sex once more while drunk & in the morning she tried to have sex w/ me again but I denied her (I felt sick to my stomach & wanted to run away/ was really distant and not my friendly self) she won't talk to me or hangout with me again. Was my behavior so bad that she was just like "fuck this girl" ? How can I start having sex with girls w/o getting anxiety or feeling like I want to run away. I've only ever had sex w girls while drunk and when I'm sober I act like I'm not into them when I really am. Also these girls are usually people I don't know that well, which I know doesn't help. How do I start developing attraction or feelings for women after I've suppressed them so long? I'm 21 years old and can't get aroused.... I think somethings wrong with me.
You've obviously had a hard time just for feeling like you do. Noone should have to go through that. I've had it too for acting 'queer', but not to that degree, as far as I can remember... or well, yes, kind of. But not that much. Anyway. I think you might be experiencing internalized homophobia. You've been told passively and actively again and again that your feelings are wrong, and thus a part of you agrees with them. That part holds you back when you're trying to express those feelings. Don't blame yourself for your relationship with that girl. It's likely the thing mentioned above that held you back. When you had expressed your feelings one night you were quite content (you weren't as horny anymore), and your internalized homophobia was stronger and got the upper hold. I can understand why she might have taken offence when you left out and all that, but don't be harsh on yourself for it. I think you have to deal with yourself first. There are things you could do while in the act/shortly before/shortly after, that could help you temporarily (I'm no expert here), but at the end of the day what's really going to help is to fight the bad feelings arising in the first place. It sounds like you have accepted that you are a lesbian, but that doesn't necessarily mean you having accept yourself as a lesbian. I think you would benefit hugely from overcoming that and be able to say "I'm here, I'm queer, and there's nothing wrong with me." Hope that helps <3 hugs (*hug*)
