I just had the biggest dysphoria attack in memory. I'd been feeling it build up since I woke up... I was just standing in the shower, singing, when I had to sink down on the floor... god this is fucking hard to write about right now, feel like I'm gonna feint... I was hyperventilating and crawled up like a fetus lying on the ground. I then put on really cold water, some kind of self-destructive shit I guess... I don't know what triggered it. And right now I don't associate with my gender on the left at all, I feel like it should say "wtf" or "God help me"... Maybe it was the... gaah... looking in the mirror for too long on my way in, or singing songs about dysphoria, or maybe even the steam itself ,i dont fucking know, but it hit me harder than I can remember... I haven't had it that strong since the first few days I came out, when I couldn't eat without getting it, for osme reason. uuuuuh, I was lying there on the fukcing floor thinking about how I should have been born a girl, even saw an image of someone similar to me, a girl... and i don't know wtf is happening to me right now.... My first memory I can remember having of being conscious about my dysphoria is when I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, when Harry is going into the forest to die and he said he felt like he wasn't the driver of his body, but rather the passenger.... I related so much to that, that's how I've always felt basically... sorry, just had to vent...
I hope you feel better, and I hope your dysphoria gets better too. Have you talked to your parents or to whomever you came out to about transitioning? Maybe that like help, or possibly find something that makes you happy until you're able to transition. Well wishes! xoxo
thanks. I want to transition, yes... I don't know exactly how far, but... No, I haven't talked to anyone offline about transitioning yet, at least not about physically transitioning, or well I did briefly mention it to my best friend... ACtually, I haven't talked that much to anyone offline about being trans* at all... ---------- Post added 9th May 2015 at 05:02 PM ---------- Just thought of self-harming for the first time in a long time, also, btw... and I'm afraid of eating since it might trigger another dysphoria attack, I don't want my friend to see...
I'm not exactly sure how eating triggers dysphoria. First I ever heard of that. I might catch shit for saying this, but on that front you might actually want to see your doctor. I use to be in a shit load of pain when I ate, but being me I always found a way to rationalize it as me being a baby over gas or some sort of thing. But it got to the point where I stopped eating, got hard for me to take showers because I would get dizzy and short of breath due to the heat and steam. My heart would be about to beat out my chest and in felt like I was going to die. I put up with for three years before I almost had a heart attack and was placed in the hospital for 2 days. I was finally forced to the doctor afterwards and it turned out I had an auto immune disease and every time I ate food with a certain protein in it my immune system would tear my intestines to shreds, this in turn was causing other issues which lead to malnutrition and dehydration which is what caused my near heart attack. Its been three years since then and I have next to no depression any longer and the pain is gone. I still have dysphoria but no where what it use to be now that my body is healither. Now I'm not saying what you are isn't dysphoria. Its your body so I'm sure you can tell. I just feel you should see a doctor just in case. The pain while eating thing is what worries me. I've just never really heard of that in regards to dysphoria.
i have been there and totally understand how you feel right now my heart goes out to you and we are always here to talk to --Brendan
Thanks a lot for your concern, I won't give you shit for helping me When I first had this I did go to the school councelor, told him I'm trans* and stuff, and what he said was mostly what I'd been suspecting - he put it down to an 'emotional turnover', too. Like, eating triggers all kinds of feelings, it's a hormonal center. Also the quick intake of energy releases waves of hormones. I don't think I have a problem like that, since I never had this until just after I came out (like the day after, or two days or something, and then some week on) and I'm positive it was dysphoria this time around. But again, thanks a lot for sharing, that seems like something that must have been hard to go through. I just feel generally really confused right now.... *sigh* ---------- Post added 9th May 2015 at 09:33 PM ---------- Thanks a lot, it means the world to have someone who listens <3
Dear Tri, I've been spending the last few hours thinking about you and your story. It was tough to read that your dysphoria is getting worse. Mmy heart goes out to you. I was thinking about my own experiences over the last week and your story struck a cord. Do you remember that I wrote how I lay in bed hyperventilating because I was conulsumed by fear and anxiety? That was an important part of the process of acceptance for me. Breaking down the barriers that were holding me back and facing my fears. You say that you feel no connection to your left side. Can I ask you how you perceive your left side? What does it feel like to be male? (I assume you meant your male side) Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable with the question. You asked me similar questions in the thread and it helped me so I thought it might do the same for you. Much love and feel better, (*hug*) Yael
With "on the left" I meant my gender identity, under my avatar. Trigender, that is... I changed it now to reflect my growing confusion, but... well, I don't know... And I don't feel like I have a male side, and never did... or well, I've a masculine side, but it is not very prevalent... I mean, I can go to the gym and pump my biceps and feel good with that and stuff... I'm fluid... in some way :bang: so sometimes I feel that part of me surface a bit, mostly when I'm doing guyish stuff e.g. weight training... but most of the time I feel like some kind of demigirl, otherwise neutral and sometimes somewhat masculine...
(*hug*) You're not alone. We're all trying to understand ourselves better, and sometimes that can be scary. I've had a lot of breakdowns too, and even though I can't tell you how to make them stop, I know the feeling. I hope you find your way through this. (*hug*)
