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Supporting my friend when he's being stupid

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by wontwalkblindly, May 10, 2015.

  1. wontwalkblindly

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Okay so basically my friend is ftm (15 years old) and he's slowly coming out to people. But his ex/girlfriend/personwhocheatsonhimanddoesntcarethatsheshurtinghim/hestaysclosebyheranyway, person, found out that he IDs as male through technology - facebook messages loaded on his ipod which he lent to her. she said "this is not the person I fell in love with" and so now my friend is choosing her unaccepting opinion over being his true self. He asked us to go back to calling him his birth name and female pronouns, even when it's just us, even tho he said to me that he knows he's a guy - yesterday.
    Me and another friend have told him several times to leave her and laid out dozens of reasons for it.. I've had talks with him that seem to get through to him at the time, but then the next day he's correcting me when I say "he" and trying to convince me that he's okay living as a girl, but I see the way he cringes when his mom says his birth name and I know he's lying.
    He has depression and she's not helping that. She's told him it's a phase and that he's doing it for attention.
    What can I do for him? I know I can't force him to leave her, or force him to do anything really. But what can I do? He doesn't see the worth in himself to walk away on his own.
    And What should I do about the pronouns? Because to me, calling him female pronouns and his birth name is like giving into his stupidity and his girlfriends unacceptance. But I also am totally for respecting whatever someone wants to be called.
    Opinions? Help. This is such a screwed up situation.
     
  2. Just Jess

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    We all go through it. Try to be patient with your friend. He or she or them, your friend needs room to figure that out. Yes, he is probably a he. But you can't take away her ability to say what she is, as frustrating as it might be.

    From the inside, the social part can suck a lot. I hate oing out dressed up like a boy, much more so now that I have experienced being me. Even if someone figures my past out when I am out as a woman, they won't "sir" me. I have come to terms with the fact that being treated like a guy makes me feel like ass and my need to be a woman. It makes as much sense to me as anyone else, but it is undeniably there.

    But, the thing is, I am also used to it. I notice now how painful it is, because I have something to compare to. But before, it was just the way things were. And the other thing is, when we transition, we really just trade one set of problems for another. I like the set I have now a lot more. I can actually solve my problems now. But even now I have moments where going back feels less scary than going forward. Back then, when I was more capable of keeping up the straight guy act, that feeling times a thousand. It took me losing a job that I was dressing up as a boy for before I really let go of my past. Now I am myself all the time except for work, which is the biggest hassle, but I view it as a proffesional courtesy to do it, and I think I would be doing a disservice to all of us if I showed up at random in a dress and got fired. My point is, "guy mode" went from something I hid in for safety and comfort, to this sucky thing I put up with on HR, my boss, and my own timeline. It just takes time and experience, and some of that experience had to be in the old shell for me.

    And since it's your friend's ex, I would gamble shame and guilt have a role to play. The ex is probably blaming the relationship failing on your friend being trans. That might even justify the cheating in her mind. When you love someone you don't want to hurt them and you want to forgive everything. Sometimes cis straight exes don't do anything, and still have their relationship shattered. Maybe it wasn't meant to be to begin with, there wasn't a relationship that would have worked to take away. But that is invisible. They are lost and hurt. From our side, we don't deserve the things they do to retaliate, but we sure feel like it. We don't get to choose to have our problems, but we do choose to deal with them. From the outside you see perfectly well what is really going on. Two people who maybe shouldn't have - but then how else would they know - took a chance on love, it didn't work out, and now one is being terrible to the other (if that didn't start before coming out) and the other is putting up with it, too scared to try for something better. From the inside, that is invisible. Your friend feels guilty and ashamed and it's spiralling, and the hurt ex is doing everything she can to fuel that fire because - not that it makes hurting someone else right - she's hurt too.

    That's where your friend is at. No idea what's right or wrong, nothing but terror and more pain from the ex in one direction, and the familiar closet in the other. This is why people run upstairs instead of out the front door in horror movies. And yes, it's frustrating being you, in the audience, seeing this scene play out.

    So this I think is one of those rare situations where you can use reason. The problem is your friend isn't thinking about where your friend is going so much as running from. You can say "look, you are going right back to the way things were". Chances are being cheated on hurt. You can ask "did you like the way things were". Accept any answer, you aren't trying to fix things on the spot, you're just planting a seed. Get your friend thinking. Maybe "where do you want to be in five years". Or if he's really stuck in the silly martyr mindset (she says with empathy having been there), "what do you want for your ex".

    Being a guy to everyone is probably in your friend's future. But the ex is a bigger problem. If you are there and patient, and just let your friend know man or woman you think they're cool, that's the best you can do. That's the exact same carrot on a stick your ex is holding out, and it costs a lot less coming from you.
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    That depression is likely related to dysphoria, which might help you understand what he's going through (if you don't know about it already). Gender Dysphoria: What It Is and How It's Treated (I think that link is okay, but as always, everything with a pinch of salt.)

    He's obviously really invested in this girl. She seems a total sh*thead (forgive my language). Have you tried being upright with him? Try to make him understand that this crush isn't worth lying to himself for? Well, obviously you have, but maybe you should try stepping it up a bit. I don't mean get aggressive, but you could tell him, no, I won't lie about you to you or for you.
    Don't know if that's a bit harsh, hope it helps or gives you some idea(s)