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Am I bigender???

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by GenderConfused, May 11, 2015.

  1. GenderConfused

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    Im biologically female and have always been pretty neutral about gender, but for about the past year Ive become much more girly and feminine...

    However, I bound my chest today as practice before a cosplay and I felt really happy with my chest, I had an urge to cut off all my hair and when I took the binder off I hated my chest and wanted to chop my boobs off... Am I bigender or is this just confusion caused by the binder??
     
  2. GreenMan

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    I don't know, chopping your boobs off seems a little more extreme than what could be caused by a binder. I would say to keep exploring (just do it knife-free for now!) :wink:
     
  3. GenderConfused

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    Thanks, its just new ti me and Im not sure if its a permenabt thing or just some phase... ive never felt so bad about my own gender before... and by the way, Im not supposed to be using the binder, but Im going ti sneak it to school tomorrow.. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 11th May 2015 at 11:11 PM ----------

    Also, quick update: I git my friend to call me by male pronouns to see how it felt and it was rlly comfortable fir me, whereas my name (katie) and female pronouns just didnt feel right... i also found a skirt in my bed as I came upstairs and was disgusted by the idea of wearing it, whereas just yesterday Id been complaining that it hadnt been washed in time for school... Im not sure what this means..??
     
  4. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    At request, here I am! :slight_smile:

    You seem to be experiencing a missynchronization between your body and your mind. So do I (lots (~all) of trans* people do). My first memory of seriously considering cutting off my testicles was when I was about 6 y.o. One day, I'll have my parts, and I'll be damn happy... but for now, that's something I just have to live with.
    I can't draw the conclusion that you have dysphoria from this alone, though. Maybe think a bit about it yourself? Have you ever had times when you just feel like your entire focus is on that about your sex/socially perceived gender you don't like, when it makes you 'depressed' if I might use that term loosely? Something like this? (you don't have to read): http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/177646-ouch.html

    Dysphoria, I might add, is not a criterion for being trans*, it's just common unfortunately.

    And always remember, when I was searching what non-binary identity I were, I felt kind of lost too.
    As a good friend, Hazel, reminded me of: it's your feelins that matter, not the label.

    In conclusion: you deifnitely seem to have some kind of gender identity dilemmas, that's my own term that I came up with right now.
    Focus on your feelings and be honest, not external things like labels.

    And any more questions you have, bring it!

    xoxo :kiss:
     
  5. GenderConfused

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    Ive always been annoyed at the way Im percieved because of my gender if thats what you mean, and I always felt like Id kinda want to be the other gender because people would treat me differently and maybe they'd accept the way I'd always acted and Id be happier...

    As to the link, when I took the makeshift binder off, I felt really scared and panicky when I saw my boobs again in my top, and I remember thinking "These shouldnt be here, I dont want them to be here, I want to get rid of them.." over and over, I was hyperventilating slightly but since I suffer from panic attacks regularly anyway (I have strong anxiety), I was able to keep my breathing mostly controlled, although not too well.. It felt like a panic attack in every way, and the only way I could calm myself was to stuff a pillow up my top and keep it pressed to my chest so it would look and feel at least sort of flat again..

    I also had been nagging my brother the day before because he hadn't washed my school skirt, but when I walked upstairs, I saw my now clean skirt on my bed and thought about wearing it tomorrow and felt like a panic and reluctance to wear it, like ever.. Also, now that Im at home I feel really anxious cos my mum doesn't know about any of this so I have to wear a normal bra.. DX

    ---------- Post added 12th May 2015 at 06:05 PM ----------

    Oh, and I forgot to say that I also freaked out about my hair so Ive had to tie it up in a bun to at least feel slightly better.. Up until then, Id thought it was too short (just past shoulder length) and wanted to keep growing it, but I wanted to get rid of all of it.. Even taking it down to shower this morning felt weird, looking in the mirror I felt like a guy with a girl's hair and I really didnt like it so I had to tie it up pretty quickly soon after..
     
  6. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Would you wish for people to perceive you as male rather than female at all times or would you prefer them to see you as whatever you're feeling at the time?

    I'm sorry to hear about your anxiety.
    With your breasts, I have the opposite thing, so I can see where you're coming from.

    again, opposite... my hair is also just past shoulder length, and I want it longer for dysphoria reasons...
    you could get a haircut?

    I can't say for certain whether you're bigender in particular, but you do seem to be trans* somehow imo.
     
  7. GenderConfused

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    At the moment, I want people to see me as male and I see myself as male... But I remember that before I wanted people to think of me more as a girl than they previously had... Im biologically female but people viewed me as one of the guys before I became really feminine.. Also, I am actually considering getting a hircut but Im going to wait a few days to see if I still feel this way just in case, although I feel positive that I am bigender by this point..

    ---------- Post added 13th May 2015 at 07:28 AM ----------

    My mum wont let me bind now though (I tild her yesterday that Id snuck the it into school).. I havent been using a proper binder sincr I dont have one, Ive been using a back brace as a makeshift ace bandage, and my mum sayd the abnormal pressute could cause cancer and back problems... I asked about proper binders but she doesnt seem to feel thst theyre safe either, so I dont know what to do.. I feel horrible without it, really panicky..

    On the bright side of this ordeal, I told one of my friends and turns ouy shes secretly a trans female, so having been sort of in her shoes I knrw how to make her feel more comfortable about herself (like Im using female pronouns for her and stuff..) and can relate and help give het advice (no one else knows, they all see her as a guy) .. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Do yo shift between male and female regularly?

    Tell her. Tell her you're freaking out without it. She might come around

    It's great you have someone to talk to like that! that's really the perfect 'resource' - friends :slight_smile:
     
  9. GenderConfused

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    My shift periods seem to be around a few months to a year by what I can tell, but since I only discovered this recently Im not entirely sure..

    I told jer I was freaking out but because Im not fully trans*, shes just told me that I ned to accept my body anf tbh shes more worried about the physical problems a binder could cause.. shes taking me to see a doctor about it to see if theres anything "safe" but I doubt she'll be convinced... I am getting a haircut soon though, which is a great step forwards.. :slight_smile:

    My trans* friends has actually been really supportive and ots a great help tp tall to someone who understands and we can both give each other tips and stuff.. :slight_smile:
     
  10. Invidia

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    I don't know about shifting with so major time lapse... I've never heard about it, but if that's what you're feeling it's totally valid.

    It's good you keep up a dialogue with your mom. IMO I think it's better if you rely on your own judgment for the most part here though; she's obviously worried about her child's physical health (and maybe social life). I hope things go well for you at the doctor's.
    Good for you you're getting a haircut :slight_smile: