Mine seems to be quite mild, but here's how it manifests with me: I look in the mirror and I'm like "oh, that's not right" but then I look at myself in photos and I realize I don't look half bad. In a detached way, I think I look good in girl clothes; but when i'm actually dressed girly I feel like i'm wearing a costume.
Really awful, although it varies in intensity. Sometimes I just feel disconnected from my body or my reflection, it doesn't feel like me. Other times I feel really disgusted and uncomfortable with my body, I feel like I'm trapped, I wish I could just destroy it somehow. I get really anxious and depressed too when this happens.
When it was at its worst I was just disgusted and filled with self hate. I wanted go chop my boobs off. These days I don't have much, I see myself in the mirror and go "oh." Then go on. Its worse when people take pics and I look at them, usually with pics it is my hips I noticed since baggy shirts hide boobs. I kind of get depressed and just feel as though who I'm looking at isn't me, or its not how I should look.
Imagine you just rear ended a cop car. Really imagine it. Stay with all the feelings that come up as long as you can. That.
For me, I don't speak for everyone and if that doesn't describe you it doesn't mean you don't have dysphoria, it means yours is different from mine. There are other weird things, my genitals don't feel like they should be there. Generally though there is this "I'm fucked" feeling. Worse when I'm beong treated like a boy, better when I know I can live every day as a girl, and directly proportional to my testosterone as far as I can tell beinh being completely unscientific, as it precludes e.g. mornings when I wake up with the darn thing at attention, or if it gets bad and stays bad I'll break out, that kind of thing. Estrogen has directly reduced this feeling for me. ---------- Post added 12th May 2015 at 07:00 PM ---------- My phone typing is terrible.
For me, when it's mild, it's just a disconnect from my body (usually my chest). Just a "this doesn't feel like mine or like it's supposed to be there" sort of thing. When it's bad, it's this suffocating feeling of not being able to escape those parts of my body that aren't supposed to be there. It's this feeling that my body is wrong and it will always be wrong. Socially, it's that bit of pain that comes every time someone says "she". It's the endless anxiety of being home because I know that every time I talk to my parents, they'll call me a name that isn't mine and pronouns aren't mine and words like "daughter" that just don't describe me.
In one word - bad. Sometimes, or really quite often, my body feels like a shell to me, not something I see as 'me'. My landlady had a prospector here the other day, and she was talking about my room (I'm movig out soon) and she was like, "yeah, there's a guy living here now, you can see that at how messy it is, hahaha" and my only thought was "no there isn't, bitch, and my cis female cousin is 10 times more messy than me"... dysphoria often makes me unreasonable and confused.
Dysphoria is like a black mist which blights my day. It descends upon me and envelops me. I get depressed, can't think straight and usually wind up wanting to kill myself. It happens most days. It is difficult to talk about.
Idk if this makes any sense, but for me, its almost a the sense of embarrassment. Like I feel like I'm being suffocated with a hot wind. I don't like to go out when it happens, cause it puts me in the mind set that people will think I'm just a masculine girl. It makes you feel like you're not truly whole. It's like a mini panic attack.
For me, it almost feels like you're naked in public, or like your body is deformed. It's basically uncomfortable and disconnecting. I guess I have a very cliche "stuck in my body" feeling.
It varies for me. It goes from mild discomfort with what I see in the mirror or when someone says "sir" (like a small, but noticeable sting) to hatred of my body and how I am perceived. I get embarrassed easily about how I feel in my own skin. And it gets worse knowing I cant do much about it.
Depends... If it's bad I just want to cut of my boobs and my curves and thin my thighs with a craving knife. During that time i'm emotionally tired and a bit if a bitch...not to mention suicidal. If it's not so bad I just want to curl up and just hope to god I'll wake up as a dude. (This only happens when I feel like a guy since I was born female. Though...in a way bigger boobs when I'm a female would be nice)
also..I tend to feel like the future is pointless and that I will never find love, because who would want me in this female body that is clearly not me. (and for some reason all I heard in my head was "..for who could ever learn to love a beast.."..we know what movie I've been watching xD)
