I really want to be out. I feel like everyday is just a wasted day. My days at work seems like forever, even though I have my dream job, and I just can't wait to get back home so I can be myself. I've started a few months ago to "peek out of the closet" by progressively changing my expression to a more feminine one. I style my hair more girly, I wear gender-neutral women clothes, I wear girl shoes and boots. I even started wearing nail polish this week (it looks awesome!! ). But obviously, that doesn't change how people perceive me socially. I'm still being called a man at my job and my family treat me as their little boy. And that's what I want to change right now. There are nights where I just dream to be out at my job and with my friends and family. To have people see me as I am and my family treating me as sister or daughter. Also, I'm tired of seeing this boy-girl hybrid that I see in the mirror everyday. I thought that getting more feminine would help, but my manly features clashes even more with the feminine appearance I'm trying to project. I live alone, so being myself at home is no problem at all. But I don't live in a big city, so if I go out, I'm scared of encountering people I know. I feel like I just rambled on about what came in my mind and diverged from my initial though.
Are you worried how your family might react to the news that you are trans? You didn't say if they had a negative reaction to your change in style. If they haven't said anything bad about your shifting look, then perhaps they will be open-minded to your news. Even if they suspect something, they could be waiting for you to tell them because they don't want to pressure you.
I know the feeling. We hear the "don't show up in a dress and get fired" horror story. But the alternative, continuing to dress up like a boy well into my transition as a proffessional courtesy, it sucks, a lot. You develop a lot of coping mechanisms this way, "gender is this and that", but deep down you know when you're being treated like a boy and you just plain can't help how that feels. I don't have advice. I just want you to know you aren't alone. I get through it by setting goals. When a lot hits me back to back that isn't always enough, and I just take time to myself. A friend reminded me of that and I watched some anime last night. I usually get back on my feet. Sometimes I stumble, and all the "helpful" people with he and sir at the wrong time, doing nothing wrong so you can't get mad at them but rubbing lemon into all your wounds, sometimes it's hard. If you want to be out, you will. You absolutely have to have faith that one day this will be behind you and you will be alive to see it. Whenever I lose that faith, that seems to be when things get really bad. My court paperwork for my name change gets delayed, a tsunami of bad things seemingly beyond my control follows. I pick myself up and dust myself off, the clouds clear. I know it's in my head, but I keep faith anyway. You will find a way to be you all the time. Lots of us have and we aren't special.
I'm currently living away from my parents, who didn't like my ideas of crossdressing. So around them I have to hide behind boy clothes in order to avoid fighting. I don't like it. The family living near me are my grandparents and uncles/aunts. They never said anything bad, but maybe they think it and don't show it. But, in a positive light, they once said that my side braid looks good on me. What saddens me is that all my friends are living in a city 5 hours away from where I am. The only people I know around are my relatives and my coworkers. Thank you for your support. I try my best to advance, but being alone in real life is hard. I don't have people around me to talk to, other than my therapist. At least there are people online with who I can share my feelings. I'm doing my best everyday knowing that one day everything will be fine.
