Every single little thing is pissing me off. First it starts with taking a shower and having to wear put on my girl underwear because I don't have the money to buy boxers, nor the confidence to buy them. Add to that I only have two pair of fucking boy shorts. The whole time I pulling on my underwear I kept noticing how fat I was. God, I have the hugest fucking thighs and they have that ugly cottage cheese thing going on. Then I pull on my sweat pants and it only gets worse because they seem to of been made to hug my thighs which only makes me feel that much fatter. But I try to tough it out. I lay down on couch to go to sleep but i can't sleep because all I can think about is if I should transition or not. Some days I want to and other days I don't think i deserve to. And then I just think about how it wouldn't matter because I would still be a fucking fat, ugly piece of shit. I can't even get to a damn gym to work out because we only have one car that is used by 4 other people, plus I don't have a license and there isn't really any buses here. This is the same reason why I can't go to school or have a job. All I can do is walk around outside for a few minutes, but I can't even do that because I am self conscious and think the whole street will be watching and going "look at the fat ass trying to lose weight." And I don't even dare to try and run because of my boobs. God I hats the things. I just want to hack them off. And all the while that I am thinking about this I am tossing and turning and feeling my sweats pull on my fat so finally GEF up and change into my boy shorts. That helps with the fat thighs but now all I can think about are my dreadful hips. And every time I move my boobs are sliding about and its like having a bowling ball hooked to my cheat. I don't even know why i feel so fat. I use to be 280 and now I'm somewhere between 165 and 170. I should be feeling great about myself but all I want to do is lose more weight. Now I wonder if me transitioning is actually me having fat issues. But hell, everyone says T makes you gain weight. This is what I get I guess. When losing weight before I kept looking at pics of male models: things like their hips, thighs, arms, tummies. Kept thinking how it would be nice look like that. To be honest I had no idea that women and men hadn't different hips. And then when unrealized they did I was felt somewhat depressed. I just want men's clothing to look on me they way they do on men. I don't know what what's wrong with me right now. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a long long time. I just really hate myself.
I identify with this post so much right now at this point in my life. I can barely have at least five seconds a day where I'm not thinking about coming out, transitioning, etc. I don't know how others do it and I don't know how I haven't gone insane. I don't know if you have ever tried it, but if you can't get yourself a binder you can buy a sports bra. That helps me a lot when I go to lay down. I will warn you that you have to take special care when using sports bras to bind because they are designed to put most of the pressure on your ribs, so only bind for about eight hours or so. If you feel that your weight is really that much of a problem and you're too self conscious to walk or run, is it possible for you to buy/rent work out videos? I know for a fact you can pull some up on the Internet. Maybe that would work?
I actually bought a binder but I don't wear it to much because it is rather hard for me to get into. I tried the whole, turning it inside out and stepping into it thing, but it is near impossible to get it over my hips and thighs. I usually have to pull it on over my head and if I do it that way I have to have someone help me. And I don't currently have the money for a sports bra, nor do I know of a place that sells them in my size. After sleeping (when I wrote the post I had been up for over 24 hours) I feel somewhat better. I'm 5'9 and at the lower end of the medium bone structure, so my weight actually isn't that big of a deal. With my shorts on, and if I pull my boobs up so that I can pretend that they aren't there, I feel pretty good at about myself. Its just when I wear girl clothing that it becomes an issue. Girl clothing has always felt tight on me, even when they fit the right way. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that fat settles on my thighs and hips more than any other part of my body. I use to be 280lbs so I have a lost a lot of weight, so I know where I am at isn't that bad. I'm also kind of happy that once I lost weight my ass seem to disappear with it, I now have what my mom refers to as a boy's butt. I had started walking a week ago, along with doing push ups/sit ups(crunches)/ and as best a squat as I can pull off in order to lose weight and build some muscle. Then I happen to fall and bang my knee up and decided to wait a bit. I just never got started back, mostly because I now end up sleeping through the day and staying up all night. Also decided I will cut back on how many sweets I eat. I have a serious addiction to marshmallows and mint chocolate chip ice cream. I just really want to go ahead and work towards transitioning but i'm always worrying that if I start into I might realize it was a mistake. The uncertainty feels like it will kill me and drive me insane.
And just to dump some more stuff on here because why not. Was playing a game with my bro when I happen to go "I hate my boobs." Which isn't the first time I have said this. Its my way of hinting at being trans. I'm pretty sure he is getting the hints because one day we were talking about a trans girl he knew when he said "I'm kind of glad they have to see a therapist, it keeps people from transitioning who just want to be different or do it for attention." And when he said different and attention he looked at me. And I have to admit that I also question why I want to transition so bad when I have so little dysphoria. I just spend 80% of my day listening to music and picturing my future as a man (an agender trans man). Am I looking for attention or trying to be different? God I hope not. When I mention hating my boobs I said something about how most women probably do. His response was "not really. Most women love their boobs. You're just making a big deal out of nothing." Not good for my already confused mind. In his mind since I am not overly masculine I can not be trans. Because wearing boys clothing, not shaving, and wearing a binder is something that has happened over the last 2 months I must be out for attention. But really in have been thinking bout this for close to eleven years, but more deeply the last seven months. I know I'm not completely male but I am no where near female. I just don't know how to get him to see that.
Ahh, I feel your pain! There are so many things I would change about my body. My boobs (hate them), my thighs, my butt, my hips... My body has such a feminine shape, all curves, and I can't stand it. Is part of the reason you dislike going out is because you're insecure about your weight? Or is it the fact that people will perceive you as a girl? Do you often wish you were male or is it only sometimes? I hope you feel better soon. And I also know what you mean with regards to the fear of being seen as an attention-seeker. That's part of the reason why I'm scared to tell anyone too. I only recently got my first binder and none of my family has commented on it because they think it's "just a phase", even though I've had these thoughts for a long time. Just remember, you are you for who you are, not your gender. Your dreams, your sense of humour, your passions, your personality. All these things make up the awesomeness that is you I hope things become clear for you soon
I'm not really sure why I don't like going outside. Never really had a problem with being seen as a girl, I do clearly have a female body, but the female body itself causes me stress. As strange as it sound getting dressed to present as female just stresses me. I just become so insecure and want to hide. Yet, put on a binder and some guy clothes I can't wait to head out the door. The only thing that stresses me out then is that I haven't shaved my legs and arms in 2 weeks, but that one is getting better. As for my weight, I only tend to notice it is around a certain time of the month. And its not so much the weight but where the fat sits on my body.
