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Not feeling so good today

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Leah Telamon, May 24, 2015.

  1. Leah Telamon

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    I don't know whether I've been taking baby steps or giant leaps, but I went a lot further towards experimenting with my gender identity over the weekend. I registered on here and on another site, I've been doing some research about medical help with transitioning in my area, and I emailed a friend of an old friend who is FTM trans to see if they could provide any advice or support.

    But more importantly, over the weekend I finally got a chance to experiment with women's clothes and to do some other stuff. I did an all-body shave, which even though I feel like a cactus at the moment I so much prefer not having body hair it's incredible. I need to look into some more permanent or long-term solutions for that. My wife wanted to experiment with making some fake breasts for me out of condoms and water, which ended hilariously with water all over the floor, but fortunately the adjustments she made to the bra she was going to use allowed me to wear it with the right top and look like I had some small breasts anyway. Then I got fully dresses up in an old outfit of hers, and we painted each others nails. It was really nice.

    I didn't like the outfit so much but I did enjoy the feeling of being/appearing more feminine. Although we have no makeup at the moment (the wife doesn't wear it) I was able to do something with my hair which made me feel better, and I discovered that I like the way leggings look on my legs, which is nice because I was worried my legs would go from being one part of my body I like to one I didn't as I'm a cyclist and they're relatively heavily muscled. Unfortunately I had a bit of dysphoria when I looked at myself and the outfit was very dress-uppy so I felt a little bit ridiculous. I also felt a bit infantilised by wearing the bra when there's really very little there that needs a bra. But you win some and you lose some and I went to bed happy.

    On Sunday I got the opportunity to wear a simple skirt which wasn't quite as showy, and discovered I loved it (so much so that I'm wearing it again today, I must make sure I do wash it at some point!). My wife was having worries but we managed to talk them through, and I was pretty happy again. I think it strengthened my resolve that this is what I want to do.

    Today though I woke up feeling anxious again. I think it has to do with the fact that atm my wife is at work, and I work from home, so it's just and my housemate. He's been kinda cool with the whole thing but also seems a little freaked out, and I'm dreadfully worried about losing him. He's been my best friend, as well as my wife's, since I arrived in this country and he was the best man at my wedding. When I came out to him he took the time to remind me, in a roundabout way, that he's asexual so it's not like anyone in our household is straight. But since I started wearing women's clothes he seems to try not to look at me or be drawn to the skirt even though I'm just wearing one of my old t-shirts, etc. He's also aspie and quite withdrawn so it does sometimes take him a few days to process things. I hope that's all that's going on here and he isn't just massively freaked out.

    I'm also worried that the buzz and happiness I've felt since I admitted these feelings to myself seems to have gone and I'm having what I call an anxiety-day again, where I wake up just not wanting to and everything feels like a struggle. I think it might just be because the weekend was such a whirlwind and very fun, and now I'm on the come down, but it does worry me.

    Tl;dr - guess I could just do with a hug.
     
  2. Matto_Corvo

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    (*hug*) there a hug :grin:

    I have similar experience, just tuned to the opposite sex. I have days were I feel very 'man' and I love those days simply. Make me feel like I'm not going crazy.

    Then a few hours to a few days later the doubts and anxiety kick in, usually when I think about how others will take me wanting to transition. Sometimes, unconsciously, our moods are heavily affected by others. We can feel so great about this new side of ourselves (or old repressed side) and want the world to see and share in our joy. Then we think about how the world isn't as accepting as we'd hope or like, or that some people in our lives might not be so understanding. We are afraid to lose those people, and fear can turn to doubt and anxiety.

    You know the saying, what comes up must come down. It applies to these situations as well. We are running on a self esteem high brought on by being who we want, and by those around us accepting up. Then when the accepting people go for a little bit the high crashes down. So my advice, hold on to and remember the feelings you had over the weekend. Remember how leggings look on you, and how nice it is to appear feminine. That is you, that is who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. Just try to hold on to the feelings and remember that they are your truth.
    Now I shall stop before I ramble more than I already am.
     
  3. Lazuri

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    I know exactly what you're going through. I don't know if it's something for you, but when I have bad days like that, I play video games with female protagonists, preferably one you make yourself.

    And oh, a good way to make fake breasts is to cut the legs off pantyhose and fill them with raw rice.
     
  4. Leah Telamon

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    Thanks. I nearly posted this in your thread, actually, but didn't want to hijack! I hope you're feeling better.

    This is literally exactly what I did. It's quite funny actually, my wife and I both enjoy Diablo III, and I felt awkward on Saturday playing my male Barbarian, so yesterday I made a new female Barbarian. Thankfully the female barb is quite close to me physically (red hair, built quite solidly), so it was nice to be able to see someone who looks like what I might one day look like as my avatar. But the whole process felt like transitioning: initially, I was incredibly weak and needed my wife to help me with everything, but once I got up to level 70 I was just as awesome as I was before. I guess that's something to keep in mind.

    I'm so tempted to make a character who looks as close to me as possible in Dark Souls 2, then use the magic coffin to change gender, just to see how it comes out, but for the fact that I'm a bit over-DS2ed at the moment and it'd take me a while to be able to kill the cyclops. Another metaphor for gatekeepers and hoops to jump through I suppose!
     
  5. Matto_Corvo

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    Thanks, I'm feeling better. Sleep and a box of Reese's pieces can help a lot.
    If you ever want to high jack my thread you can, its easier to talk in a thread than on a wall. Also always there to talk to if you need someone to talk to.

    If you've ever watched wild wild west they put water in gallons to make fake breast xD.
     
  6. Lazuri

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    Diablo III, eh? Good choice. I've sunk way too much time into that game.
     
  7. BluhImCourtney

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    I don't think I've tried on any dresses/skirts/tops yet... waiting for the breast and hip growth. ._. I just have some women's jeans and I'm TRYING to get some girl sneakers, but I just fit a 10-11 in women's and that's the highest they go normally, and all the 10-11 look like donkey doo. ._.

    Also, for the hair thing, try electrolysis for the face and body hair and eyebrow threading for the... well, eyebrows. Both hurt quite a bit though (so far, I've only done the threading, it's cheap, while the electrolysis is like $100+ a visit), but I am so happy with how my eyebrows look now compared to before.

    Good luck with transitioning and everything. ^-^

    EDIT: Threading also works for facial hair in general, but I have only gotten my eyebrows done, so I can't tell you how much it hurts. Also, I may have been thinking of Lazer hair removal for body hair... not sure, just look all of these things up and pick which one suits you and your financial situation.
     
    #7 BluhImCourtney, May 26, 2015
    Last edited: May 26, 2015
  8. Leah Telamon

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    Thanks. I think I'm stuck waiting for hair removal until after we've moved which should be within the next few months but it depends on my wife's job. We're currently in a mid-sized central Queensland town but it's not very progressive here and I'm not sure I'd feel confident or comfortable going to any of the places in town. :frowning2: It sucks, because it's one thing I know would make a big difference to me feeling comfortable in my body, but I guess for now I should work on other things that are important to me such as voice and mannerisms then worry about the rest a bit later on. It shouldn't be too long.