I've been seriously considering how I would go about beginning to transition and it seems that trying to pass and then going out and interacting with people you've never met is the widely touted first step. It sounds like a good idea and I'm going to try it but I still don't understand its supposed necessity prior to transitioning. Some articles/forums I've read have said that it is a necessary step and based on how you feel, reactions you get, etc you'll be able to really know if transition is right for you and if you can't pass socially before transitioning then there is no point in transitioning. Wth. I mean, if you can't pass at all and then go out trying to be perceived as a certain gender and keep failing I don't see how that helps you know whether or not you really want to transition.
I don't really agree with that idea. Trying to pass can be good for working out your feelings, but it's not necessary. Some people just can't pass pre-transition, it's not something they can control and it doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to transition.
It is necessary, but not for the reasons listed. It's to help you work out if it's what you really want to keep you from doing an enormous mistake.
I don't know what circles you have been talking in but it is far from a first step. Being trans isn't about hazing you untill you're cool enough to sit at the big kids table. My first step was coming out to the peopke closest to me, and the second was laser hair removal. Transition is about you striking a balance between you and the things you can't change about yourself. That's it. If like me part of that involves medicine - my hormones by themselves were a huge and constant source of stress no matter how I was being treated, and balancing those by itself has done no end of good even if it has made brief periods where I couldn't get my medicine even harder - then yes there are guidelines. Any responsible doctor is going to make sure your treatment is going to make your life better and better instead of worse and worse. But anyone forcing you to do anything you aren't ready for to get any help at all is not being responsible and is definitely not keeping with the standards of care. A doctor has a duty, for instance, not to give someone that has strokes estrogen. Stuff like that. It is true that you have to have full time experience for a year to get bottom surgery. But honestly, while being able to date people successfully at all would be very cool, it is not a big priority. Other countries with nationalized health care do have their own rules too, but that's true of any medical care you get from the state for any problem. The reason to go out as yourself is because most transitioners, me included, can't afford to put our lives on hold for years and years while medicine catches up. It feels AMAZING knowing that it's okay to be you, that you can walk around and get called "seniorita" in a Mexican restaurant without it being a big deal. And eventually, you will naturally learn that the most unpleasant experiences you endure when you are out as yourself are still much better than day to day dressing up like a boy every day. If like me you are interested in passing, that is also something that requires you spending time as yourself, so if you are waiting till you pass you are putting yourself in a catch 22. The rewards for being yourself are definitely there and yours as soon as you are ready. But I want you to make me a promise right now. Please never, ever, do anything, JUST to prove yourself to others. It's okay if that's part of why you are doing something. I do stuff like that all the time. But every time, I make darn sure it's either something that furthers my own goals, or it's something I want to do. Transition is a very personal and individual thing. It is based on your needs. There are no steps that work for everyone . You have to decide what kind of woman - what kind of person really you are. And how you are going to get there. If you want to be treated like a lady without medicine, there are ways that work for some of us, but you have your limits. Try to make friends that do drag, and be a good friend to any gay men or cis female people you can. I think that is by far the gentlest way to start being yourself. A therapist can help a lot if you do need to chart a course and figure out what your first step should be. I was overwhelmed at how "wild west" all this stuff is at first to. But I know if you made that promise I asked and keep it, your transition will go great
Seconded... Listen to the girl. This is all about you first : How being a man (in your case) makes you feel. Does it feel right? Then it must be right for you... Does it feel wrong? Then it's time to think about what exactly is making you feel wrong, and if it comes from you, or is it only because you are afraid of it... Or maybe you are not a man, maybe you are something else... Which is allright, as long as it is you. Transitioning is a very personal process. To me is all about not 'changing' but polishing the statue I built around my true self long ago in fear, self defense and pure desperation. I'm looking for what I buried deep inside, and the more I work on it, the more I saw a man there, a man who has been waiting for years patiently... He might be not as good looking as a model, and not as rich as a millionaire, and hell... Who the hell is as hard as Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee?!... But the man I am, even if he is not your classical example of masculinity, and even if he is not trying hard to 'fit in' or 'be one of the boys', even if he is closer to Woody Allen than to Vin Diesel... Well, this is who I am. I don't need the rest of the boy's approval to feel like a man. I just need my own private approval... (And hopefully, someday, a gorgeous girl's approval, but that's another story...) I see no point in trying to pass when my body is simply not going to allow me such luxury... Right now, without HRT I have to deal with a body and a face that are not even close to what they should represent, a pure walking contradiction with what's on my mind. Moreover... I'm damned young looking, with very fine, almost delicate, features, which makes the whole darn thing even worse. Even if I heard the typical "you do look like a boy" on a daily basis, that's not passing. And I have had already quite a few stares that seemed to oscilate between disgust, surprise, and lord knows what else... Am I going to change because of those stares, to avoid them? The hell I am... Let them stare and let them think whatever the hell they want... Does that mean that to be a good trans, I should cover myself in make up, wear a fake goatee, a thing I won't mention, and bind like a madman? What if that makes me feel even worse? (which is by the way my case... Well, maybe the goatee won't...) I didn't started coming out and planning a transition to feel worse... The idea was to feel better... To stop pretending... It wouldn't make sense if to stop pretending I needed more pretending, even if it's a different kind, maybe, but that doesn't feel right to me, doesn't work for me... Except maybe the facial hair, but as I have mentioned it wouldn't mix with my features and voice right now. Now for some guys to bind makes them feel better. Obviously, your shirts will look much better, and your chances to pass will be greater... And for them it's also important to have... Something down there to fill the trousers... That is great, if it makes them feel right, that's the idea... And it's something we have to respect, not to run to imitate because it's what transfolks do... I can't stand binding, so what? What does that make me? Somebody is going to point at me and say you are not trans enough? Well, let them... As I have said, trying to pass would feel to me just more of the same pretending I'm used to. I have my haircut, my clothes carefully chosen, and my own ways including my own voice, which has been turning naturally deeper, and that's it. I'm not doing this for anyone and I'm not looking for anyone's approval except mine... And my future sweetheart, if I'm lucky. Can't tell you much about the doctors over there, and the so called 'real life experience', but you shouldn't be forced to do something you don't want to.
I think it's mostly about being as sure as you can be that medically transitioning is right for you. Also, I think doctors need "proof" that you *need* to transition before signing off on HRT or surgeries (which is a total double standard considering how easy it is, say, for a cis-woman to get breast implants, no questions asked). I agree, though, that you should focus more on making yourself more comfortable and not necessarily whether you pass or whether you're being trans the "right" way. I find that worrying too much about how male I look day-to-day makes me lose my confidence, and confidence is a huge part of masculinity for me. For example, I was binding for a while with a really crappy binder, and my frustration with it led me to think about my chest all day, which just made me feel more female--the opposite of what I was going for! So now I just focus on long-term, subtler things that I find intrinsically rewarding: cutting my own hair, building muscle, adopting a more masculine posture and ways of sitting/standing. I definitely don't pass, but I feel more like myself (whoever that is).
Thank you all for the replies. I feel like medically transitioning is right for me but I have a hard time dealing with change (even if it's good) so I'm not entirely sure how to go about it. I agree with you on trying to be "trans enough"; there's no one way to be trans and to try to be something you're not after finally freeing yourself from something else is horrible. I don't like packing because it makes me hyper aware of what I'm lacking and anxious over whether anyone is looking there. I don't mind binding for maybe 3-4 hrs at a time but anything more than that is really uncomfortable. I love how it flattens my chest to a degree but because I have Ds there is still a rather obvious bulge and I have to wear baggy shirts/layers still. Very difficult in the summer. Really, I hate being a walking contradiction all the time. I've been postponing school and so many other things because I feel I need to at least start transitioning before doing anything else. I cant stand each day I get older and look nothing like how I'm supposed to. I know I just need to get the ball rolling and if walking around in baggy layered clothing in Texas heat trying to appear male is it then so be it :\
Yeah listen to the people. You don't have to pass before transitioning. I don't consider it trying to pass, I considered it going a head and socially transitioning. Having my friends and family address me by correct name and pronouns. If I happen to 'pass' to strangers than great, if not it doesn't matter. I probably will never see them again.
