I'm not out yet to everyone, and I've been thinking. I feel ashamed that I'm trans because I feel like that's letting everyone around me down. They all expect me to just grow into this "lovely, beautiful, smart woman" and I squirm at this expectation. My mom mentioned to me the other day that she'd saved her wedding dress for all these years so that one of her daughters (me or my youngest sister, who's 8) would wear it on their wedding day. Then my relatives, like grandparents and great aunts and uncles all coddle me like a princess. They are so loving and have the very best intentions, of course. But it's like a knife twisting in my side because the things is... I'm not a girl. And I won't be a woman. I feel like their world (or at least my mom's world) will come crashing down when they figure out I'm trans. They love me, they all love me and want the best for me. They have these great expectations for me and expect me to grow up like they did and be "traditional" and get that happy married home-life as a house-wife. But it's just not that way! I cannot be what they want me to be but I feel so wrong to be something different. They'll be horrified. They'll never love me the same way if I'm a guy. I guess this is just a point of frustration for me... So much wanting to be who I know that I am and should become, and so much shame for even desiring that. Any advice with how to deal with these feelings?
Why should you feel ashamed for being yourself? You are staying true to who you are. Be who you want to be, not who your family wants you to be. I haven't been in a situation like that. I mean, my family don't really give a damn about masculinity / femininity. I mean, whatever you do, they are going to be annoyed with some things, right? Wouldn't it be worse for them if you lived your whole life as female, and suffered, and had a horrible time. Wouldn't it tear your mom apart if you got depressed, or hurt yourself or something like that? I mean you shouldn't compromise yourself for them, and if they want you to, maybe you should consider that it could be a problem with them, not you. If they can't accept their own son - their adult son- for who he wants to be, then why should their opinions matter to you? Why should you listen to their bigotry and their disregard for you as a person.
I needed months to process it before I came out to the first person. You are having such thoughts partly because you haven't finished dealing with it yourself. I know where you are coming from and what you are trying to express, but there is a part of denial on this kind of speech. I wasn't aware back then, but I am now. Being trans has opened a huge box which has to do with your identity. Gender is everywhere. Sadly (and this is awful) we are loved only because we belong to a particular gender. The truth is that some of the ones you used to love will dissapoint you : They loved what they thought it was a woman, not the real you. Others will also surprise you... They'll stick with you after coming out... Because they loved you for being you. Take it easy : This is a long ride through different timezones and local customs
You'd be surprised at what people can internalize, even when those around them aren't intending to do that. My mother especially tended to place the biggest gender expectations on me, despite being a second wave feminist herself. People don't think about what they say, especially when it meets the status quo, and so a lot of pressure can be placed on people because of it. I honestly am not entirely sure what would happen if I came out to my mother. Disown me? Probably not, but it could get real close. But I totally get the shame, and I also get that it is something that I shouldn't have to carry. But it does take time to break through and overcome it. Rhys, I agree with the advice given by Michael and Hazel here. But I think it is important to say that the feelings of shame are not something to feel bad about either. It is just one more step some of us have to face in understanding ourselves better. You can recognize it, which means you can overcome it.
Best way to put it to your parents is that you are happier this way. Your parents want nothing but happiness for you, so the path you decide is best for you should be in a sense, the best for them. This also allows your parents to ponder on whether or not it would not be healthy for you to live miserably as a woman, or freely as who you are. Do not feel ashamed of your identity, you cannot change it. Your parents will come around.
You're going to grow into an amazing, handsome, smart man, and your parents will be so proud of their son. Yes, it's going to take some getting used to. They will be disappointed that they will not have the lovely daughter they wanted, but unless they are horribly transphobic, they will get past that. They will mourn the loss of their daughter, they will be sad to not have you grow into a beautiful woman, but once they get past that, they will be proud of you as their son. If they don't learn to accept you as their son, that is their fault, not yours. You never need to feel guilty or ashamed for being yourself and living your life the way you need to in order to be happy.
