Coming out and binder questions...again.

I've never had the experience of coming out to anyone, but in tough conversations I think it really helps to keep the focus on how you feel--after all, you're the authority on your own feelings. So I think you're on the right track with saying that you would feel better if you presented as a male. If you do feel comfortable using the word "transgender" to describe yourself, it might be useful to use it with her. Giving her a word will help her understand that being trans is a recognized identity. I would focus, though, on what it means to YOU. Maybe think about giving her a list of resources to look into if she has more questions so that she doesn't go looking for info and reading a bunch of things that you don't agree with or that don't describe your experience very well.

Good luck!

 

For your first question, I would say that really you only know how your mother would react. Coming out face to face takes serious guts, and I applaud anyone willing to go that way. Just make sure that if you do, you can properly communicate everything you wanted to her. A lot of times guys will get freaked out and anxious and miscommunicate as a result. I know I would. Although if you are sure of yourself, and sure that your mother would be the type of person to at least listen to you, go for it. This method also gives the opportunity for (a) you to answer any initial questions she may have and (b) see her very first reaction to the news - which you don't get through a letter.

Going with a letter also has it's advantages... compact source of information, you can think out and concisely explain everything, they can re-read it if they want... It just seems more "solid" and real to me. But that's coming from someone who has a serious case of the blubber-mouth whenever attempting to verbalize feelings. For me, the letter is really the only option.

As for the binder... You can check online for binder exchange programs, I know there are several (google In A Bind Transgender). Alternatively, there's a company called "Point Five CC" run by a trans*guy named Aydian Dowling where they have a deal that if you buy one of their t-shirts they will throw in a binder for free to those that need it. The shirts are $25 so not a bad deal at all.

If you want a for sure way to discreetly get a binder, I'd say definitely have it shipped to someone else's house (be it a grandparent or a friend). Believe it or not, I've actually considered the "excuse/lie" to explain getting a binder... Almost exactly what you said. I haven't actually done it because I, like you, feel kinda guilty about lying and I think my parents would catch on and figure it out. Right now I'm using a neoprene back wrap as a binder. It's not the best thing ever but it helps a bit. Something else I've considered is just going to a thrift store and skimming the men's sports tank tops and try to find a really small or stretchy one to work as a compression shirt - this is a future plan though.

I understand the whole needing-a-binder thing, bro. Believe me, it sucks to not have access to a real binder, especially when you're not out yet. I don't think my parents would ever allow my to get one after I came out, because they would insist that I'm not trans and therefore not help me out. But hey, your parents may be different.

Hope some of this helped. If you need more info or would just like to talk, feel free to write on my wall.

-Rhys-

 

In A Bind is accepting applications starting June. So just the perfect timing, actually. I was considering applying if I can manage an excuse to my parents...