I've been questioning my gender for what seems like a long time, and much more intensely in the past year, so I thought I'd share some of my experience and see if anyone has any advice. I've thought about gender since I was a little kid. By the time I was five, my least favorite color was pink because that was a "girl" color, and in most of my pretend play with other kids I would play as a boy; however I also liked dolls, sewing, and crafts... as well as Lego, toy cars, etc. I third grade, my cousin gave me a bunch of boy's clothes, and I remember feeling so FREE in them (I currently wear mostly boy's clothes again). At some point in elementary school I saw a documentary about an intersex kid who had been raised as female but later identified as male, and that made a big impression on me. I have a really intense memory of looking down at myself as I sat on the stairs at ten years old and seeing myself as a boy and then wondering what that meant. That all sort of changed in middle school, because I wanted to date boys and thought that they wouldn't be interested in me if I kept wearing carpenter jeans and flannel. I was also pretty excited to go through puberty, maybe because I thought I would go through a magical transformation into a woman or just because I wanted to be grown up (I'm still waiting...). I dressed like sort of a rock chick, but always felt pretty uncomfortable with my chest especially, and refused to wear make-up, although I had played with it as a kid. I agonized for days before deciding to start shaving my legs. Personality-wise though, I tried more to be like the guys I was interested in than like any of the girls. That continued halfway into high school, at which point I started tending more masculine again, at least in appearance. My first boyfriend dumped me after I got dreadlocks; my second after I stopped shaving. I read an loved the book Middlesex, and was disappointed when I started getting my period every month after a year and a half absence. I became extremely uncomfortable with providing my gender on anything, always opting out when I could; however I never got into the LGBT community, because I didn't identify as lesbian, bi, or transgender--mostly just confused and/or unwilling to try to figure out what my deal was. Now, after three years of college, I have short, masculine hair that I cut myself, I wear boy's clothes (not men's, heh--I'm too small), and maybe a small hoop earring or stud. I like the way I look mostly, but I'm extremely self-conscious of my breasts and find myself wishing I didn't have them. I tried binding for awhile, but my binder was cheap and didn't work well, which made me more self-conscious. Also, my current long-term partner freaked out about it, so I told him I would stop. He's overall supportive of my choices, but he's exclusively interested females, so it's hard for me to talk to him about what I'm experiencing. I guess right now I'm thinking I might be androgynous, but I'm not sure yet what that means for my everyday life. At this point I don't think I would ever want to medically transition, outside of maaaybe top surgery. My waist/hips make me uncomfortable too, but I can disguise them pretty well and I find the prospect of taking hormones really scary. Pronouns are difficult. I sometimes get this really horrible sinking feeling when people refer to me as "she." It never happens when people refer to me as "he," but that hardly ever happens. And I don't feel like a "they," because I can't help thinking of more than one person. I'd like to try figuring this out, but I worry that I'll be unhappy/uncomfortable no matter what, that nothing will ever feel right, and that I'll lose a bunch of people I care about in any case. Anyway, that's my deal. Sorry for the rant, but it feels good to get it off my chest. If anyone has any advice or has been through anything similar, I'd love to hear it.
Do you think you might be a trans guy? Honestly, in a lot of ways your story sounds very much like the typical trans narrative. The fact that 10-year-old you saw yourself as a boy definitely suggests that you could be male. Of course, how you feel now is what really matters in determining your identity. If your partner is only interested in women, that could be an issue for your relationship (though that's not guaranteed; sometimes people will still date their partner after they transition because though they're not generally interested in that gender, they are in love with that specific person), but if you're uncomfortable being female, that shouldn't be something you have to hide from the person you're in a relationship with. Try getting a better binder. A good binder can get you quite flat (depending on the size of your chest), and it might help you feel a lot more comfortable. You've clearly thought about your physical transition options, but what about social transition? If it would make you comfortable, you could eventually come out and live your life as a guy, a nonbinary person, or whatever you choose. At the very least, you could get some friends to use he/him pronouns for you. Do you know anyone who would be accepting that you could try this out with? If you only tell one or two people at first, then it's really easy to change your mind if the pronouns don't feel right. Also, if you know of any trans groups you can join, those can be really good places to try out pronouns as well.
Yep. I've thought, and thought, and thought... And I don't know. In many ways I think I COULD fit into the typical trans narrative. I've had gender-progressive people straight up ask me if/where I identify on the transgender spectrum. But I have a hard time saying that that's who I am for whatever reason(s). And there are big chunks of my life that DON'T fit the typical narrative. Example: I haven't "always known" anything or seen myself as a boy/man (outside of that one time). But maybe when people say that they just mean that it seems obvious in hindsight? The problem is, nothing seems obvious to me right now... I have looked into getting a better binder and probably will. Perhaps more experimenting is simply in order. Thanks for your response!
A lot of people didn't always know, I'd say that's fairly common. I didn't know when I was younger, although it does seem a bit more obvious looking back.
I didn't know I was trans when I was young, and I'm still trans. I still count. You don't have to fit the typical trans narrative to be trans. Fitting that narrative can make it a lot easier to figure out your gender, but it's certainly not a requirement. I only mentioned it because it can be helpful to recognize that your feelings/experiences are similar to the feelings/experiences of others. I think some experimenting is definitely in order. Good luck figuring it all out
