Hey. I'm AFAB. If I was to draw the gender spectrum and put me on it, I'd shade in pretty much all the male side, the middle (agender) and, like, a sliver of the female side. More androgynous really, but every once in a while little more female, usually because of certain situations. I've been uncomfortable with my body pretty much forever, not so much as a smaller child except for wanting a penis (one of my brothers is only two years younger than me, so I was aware I was different), but as puberty hit I grew a little more uncomfortable at times and dysphoric at others as I got older. Now I've been thinking a lot about transitioning; not so much about hormones or bottom surgery, though the former has crossed my mind a time or two and I've wondered a little about the latter, but definitely top surgery. In my head, I know that if I went through with top surgery, because of how I identify, then even with the sliver of female identity I won't regret it. The dream I have often is being able to walk around shirtless, to wear swim shorts to the beach/pool like cisgender males and not have to bind (because I can't do it now and when I'll be able to it can't bind all the time). Top surgery is the only one I really want; testosterone is something I might want and bottom surgery is probably something I'll never have and that's fine. My thoughts are: does anyone else who is genderfluid/genderqueer/nonbinary have desires like these, whether AFAB or AMAB? Is there anyone who's gone through it or on track to or want to? What do you think about it all? For anyone now, FTM/MTF trans as well, do you have any thoughts on hormones and/or surgery? Anything at all. I'm not out as genderfluid, which is kind of something I'd have to do before my family see a changed body, so it's not something I'm looking into for the near future. I'm just looking for advice/people's opinions now. Thanks to anyone who answers. Nathan.
I am having trouble finind this article I read but I will link it when I did. But it was about a afab that knew they wanted top surgery but not HRT or bottom surgery. They didn't identify as female but they couldn't picture themselves as female. They had the top surgery and loved. After a while they began to feel dysphoric about their hips and thighs. Finally they decided HRT. They had to learn to fit into the male world but they did not regret their decision. I don't know if that helps. But I am afab and top surgery is something I want as well. I hate my boobs. They are large, heavy, and make my stomach feel 10x hotter than it actually is and when I get hot it triggers some of my stomach issues. From a logical stand point they are useless as well. I do not plan on having kids, and even if I did I would be completely uncomfortable with the thought of nursing. As well the thought of mammogram scare the hell out of me. I don't find them attractive, and as an asexual they have no appeal in that department and the thought of anyone finding them attractive is disturbing. From a person Stan point, I would love to be able to walk around shirtless. Go swimming shirtless and in boy trunks since I hate girl bikinis and one pieces. Also all the shirts I could finally wear. Top surgery is something I will get in the future. But HRT is a different story. I am uncertain about it. I don't want to take it and fins it changed me in some way mentally or made me depressed. If you aren't certain about HRT then don't do it, don't rush into it. Be sure it is what you want. It might turn out that all you need is top surgery to be happy.
You and I are in the same boat. Like you, my gender is fluid between male and androgyne/agender, occasionally somewhat female. I almost definitely want top surgery (my chest is small, but because of a medical condition it's really hard for me to bind safely), but I'm not sure about T. Definitely not going to get bottom surgery. The results aren't 100%, and plus my dysphoria is mild enough that a packer will suffice. Regarding T, I have no idea how to figure out what I want. Because my gender is fluid, there are a lot of times when I'm not dysphoric enough to justify it, but there are also times when I am. Being genderfluid certainly makes physical transition complicated.
CadutiMorte: Please send the link if you find the article, I'd love to read it. I feel the exact same. I hate them, they're just useless things, a nuisance to my life. And I'm asexual, too; I really don't get how people are sexually attracted to them. Kids are a possibility in my life, but never pregnancy; adoption is my way, maybe surrogacy. But every time I think of pregnancy, my brain goes "Hell no, dude, you ain't equipped for that." Swim wear. I hated when my mum bought my brother shorts and I got asked about bikinis and one pieces. Like, I have swim shorts of my own, buy me more and get me t-shirts. I'd rather swim in t-shirts. And clothes in general, too. My stepmom wants us to have a 'girly night' just the two of us because it's been so long since we've spent proper time together and I'm currently working up the courage to buy a shirt to wear. Plus my future tattoo will look so much cooler on a flat chest. Yeah, I see top surgery in my future. darkcomesoon: I have chest issues. I fear it'll effect binding if I manage it this summer. It's one of the reasons why I've been thinking about top surgery so much more lately. I don't think about bottom surgery because I don't really feel so dysphoric, sometimes just a little uncomfortable when my gender is completely masculine. Maybe it's partly because I'm asexual; I don't think or really care about sex with someone else. That might change in the future if I meet someone and I'm willing to do that, but that's for future me to think about. But I don't really see it as something I'd ever do. T, on the other hand, changes in my head when my gender changes. Not so much that I really want it, but sometimes when I'm completely masculine I don't like my hips or the shape of my face and I wonder what my voice will sound like on T (right now, it's so soft, like I whisper, which isn't necessarily female because when I talk on things like Skype I'm compared to a little boy). Being genderfluid really does make things just a little more complicated, I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks for the replies, guys.
I'll see if I can find it. I use to say that I was gender fluid but I wasn't sure so I stuck with agender. Sometimes I know I want to look like a man, other days unjust feel neutral in gender, and then some days there is enough female to make me have massive doubts on if inambtrans. All the while i have "I want to be a boy" going around and around in my head.
Genderfluid fits me, I think, because my gender changes between three. Female pushes itself in a little when my gender is more androgynous, it gets in so far that I might wear a 'girlier' top or I had my hair down when it used to be long. It never really feels like a 'real' gender to me unless it's mixed with male. So sometimes I wonder if I should just say trans or transmasculine, especially when I try and plan coming out speeches in my head. Maybe in the future I will, but for now genderfluid feels right. I seem to have "I want to be a boy" running though my head a lot, too, though. Even when my gender changes. Sometimes I feel like I can't win.
I know I do. I was AMAB and desire to transition to agender someday. There isnt really much I can do other than hormones though. Until then, changes to my dress and things like that are about all I can do.
