1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Am I androgyne? (Feeling very alone and lost)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Hippie Trash, Jun 2, 2015.

  1. Hippie Trash

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2015
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Riga
    I don't really hang around forums much, so this is really my first big post addressing all the worries I've been keeping for a while, sorry if it's gets long...

    I recently started questioning my gender identity to the point where I would think about it really often, before that however I was completely confident in identifying as female. I wasn't even that tomboyish type that does a lot of sports, hangs out more with guys and is pretty rough. When I was little I was very quiet, well-behaved and shy, I kind of translated that to being very feminine. The fact how confident I was in my cis identity really makes me feel like I can't be anything but that and that is how everyone sees me and knows me.
    Right now just questioning it makes me feel strange, I live between very cis/hetnormative people. I would love to simply explore my identity more (even if it turns out I'm cishet in the end "oops, oh so silly me, at least I gave something new a chance") but I feel like that would be insulting towards my parents? They did their best to raise me as a daughter and they love me as a daughter. I bought a tie with flowers and my parents still thought that was too strange. I asked if I would look good with short hair and my parents replied with "Girls need long hair."
    I often imagine how fun it would be to just put on a convincing male act if I ever ended up between people who know nothing about me and see how that would go. Sometimes I really, really wish I were born male, although if I were male I wouldn't be super masculine, I still imagine myself as a pretty feminine guy who wouldn't be afraid to act shy or flamboyant, grow long hair and have more female friends. I look at feminine/androgynous males and I painfully wish to be that.
    I don't really have serious body dysphoria or anything like that, I am quite happy with my flat chested body. I wish I was male but I don't feel like I hate being female and I don't wish to change my body now (besides maybe making my voice a bit lower)
    I feel as though if I were born male I'd be feminine, but now as female I want to give off a more masculine feeling without being that classic butch girl. I want to be masculine but I don't want to be a tomboy. (if that makes any sense)

    I feel most uncomfortable being in-between things. I'd hate to identify myself wrong as I am fully aware that expression =/= gender. And I have no idea if I am just expressing myself or if how I feel is tied to something deeper. How do I know? Maybe I'm just a normal girl going through a phase? When will I get the chance to find out?
     
  2. witchile

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 30, 2015
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    usa
    Out Status:
    Some people
    OMFG! It's like you just described me 100%.

    My parents are conservative and terrified of change or going too far against the grain. Parents don't want their kids getting hurt. But a lot of the time they don't realize that they're hurting us more denying us of who we really are. When I became interested in ties and wanted to chop off my hair they weren't pleased to say the least. And yeah, I got the "girls are supposed to have long hair" line a million times. But I cut it. Tons of chicks have pixies, it's not that strange anymore. They didn't like it, but they've gotten used to it. Later I shaved my head and they were so embarrassed, but I was older and more independent so I could be more demanding.

    My parents always mean well, but they don't know everything and even though I respect them for their experience they don't always know what's best for me (esp since they don't have experience being queer).

    There's a lot of stuff I did that they didn't like but got used to. But if you're still living with your parents you've gotta consider the backlash that could come with pushing their boundaries and how that could affect your overall well-being. Which sounds a bit ridiculous as I type it because being able to express yourself freely affects ones well-being, but you know, you gotta weigh it all. And some things you won't be able to figure out about yourself until you're out of their house.

    But enough about parents! You can't live to please them. It's your own life, you gotta stay true to yourself. There's nothing wrong with experimenting! (Even if right now you have to do it quietly.) You don't have to know who you are or what gender you identify with well... ever. It can always change. It's infinite. And you don't have to look a certain way to be a certain gender. The problem w/ androgyny is that it's always shown as skinny flat-chested (usually afab) ppl. Like if u have a beard or curves you can't be androgynous, which is ridiculous and conformitive to the binary. Like being feminine doesn't necessarily mean you're female or a gay dude.

    Maybe it'd help to read about boi, demiguy, agender and genderfluid labels? They can give clarity and direction. And it's perfectly OK if you think about it and decide that yeah, cis does fit you best.