So I finally worked up the courage to venture out in my transmasculine getup. I wore my boy clothes and wig and told myself I could at least do a bit of shopping - maybe even browse through the mens' clothes? Yeah, no I barely made it past the corner at the end of my street when I saw someone I knew. Terrified of being recognized, I turned and rushed back home. I feel like such a failure I want to pass soooooooo badly!! But I don't. Not even close. And even if I do, how will I get over my nerves and have the confidence to be around people as a boy? All I want is to express my gender and look how I feel inside, but for some reason I'm scared... :bang::help::tears::tears:
The reason was clear : You felt afraid of being judged by someone you knew. It's legit, and even normal when you are a beginner. Probably you should try somewhere else, a more anonymmous enviroment where your canne of being recognized are low. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a new experience for you, it's only natural you need to take your time.
Don't fret, so many of us get scared when we try to be the self we are inside! Like Michael said, can you go farther away from home?
Hey! Count this as win! You had the courage to step out the house presenting yourself as who you really are. Change can happen instantly, or it can take its sweet time, and when it does take its sweet time, every little step towards your goal is a win. (*hug*) Don't feel discouraged. This was a very brave thing you did and deserves all the praise in the world. If you need to take baby steps to get to showing who you really are, then take baby steps. You're not a failure, especially since your reaction was totally reasonable. You're doing something difficult, something you won't want to be judged for, especially since it feels natural to you. You have to work on your confidence, and you've already begun doing so by just walking down the block. Like Micheal said "a more anonymous environment" might be ideal for helping you get over your fear. Also don't rush yourself. A lot of people want to get right too it. And while getting right too it might seem easy in your head, especially with a little rush of excitement, there are other factors you should consider, like how you feel about seeing people you know. Which is why, once again, said anon environment might totally help. It's a mix of excitement and desire to finally be at the right place. And you will get there Just don't put pressure on yourself to do it immediately and don't beat yourself up if you can't go all the day the first few times. Like I said, baby steps...they really are useful
Don't beat yourself up over this. Do you have any idea how many times I've carefully looked out the window, to make sure I didn't see anyone outside when I was getting ready to go to the support group here, afraid of being judged for being dressed in womens clothes? This is a perfectly normal feeling, especially early on.
This kind of stuff is hard!!! Something I use to find that helped was making up some sort of story for why I was going out in public dressed weird! Like, "It's a costume I'm trying out" or "I was dared to do it [by someone the person doesn't know]". OFC these are shitty ways of trying to validate yourself but it gives you some cover for just trying it out. Stay strong and good luck!
I feel you. It wouldn't be that weird for a guy to buy some women's products for like a steady girlfriend at home or whatever, but every time I'm in the cosmetics aisle or something, and I make eye contact with someone I'm just like "THEY KNOW!" and terror quickly fills me. I can't even imagine what it would be like to run into someone I know dressed as myself. I think I'd probably go into neurogenic shock. :/
