Kind of a vent... So I haven't been making much progress on my gender exploration... I'm about as confused as I was at the beginning, and it's been approximately a year now since I started questioning and joined this site. Many factors hold me back from identifying as one gender over the other... I really have no idea if I'm some kind of tomboy, genderqueer, androgyne, or actually trans male... Whatever label I try out, it always feels fake and forced. Trans male has been the least fake one, which is probably why I stuck with it for so long... I don't know why so many people come here and, with a few threads, figure their identity out in under a year... It makes me feel frustrated beyond belief that I can't do the same. Mostly, my situation differs so much from everyone else's that I can't really compare them and find similarities. It seems no one is adopted from a foreign country here (which my counselor believes affects these feelings I have; it is not safe to be a girl in China, many times you get abandoned like me or killed). Being adopted has also probably messed with my confidence, as I fear rejection more than anything. I also had an upbringing which tried to push me way on the far side of femininity (such as wearing skirts and dresses every day for elementary, being a lady, having all girls as friends), because of my mom, and my counselor thinks that naturally any child would want to go in the opposite when forced towards that. There is a possibility that I am trans because of that, though. (Off topic, but I do believe that if I am trans, my feelings mostly came from nurturing. I do believe some trans people are born trans and it will remain fixed, but I also believe there is the possibility that gender is formed by nurturing. I think both ways are possible.) I will most likely be getting involved with a boy very soon, and it'll be my first relationship if it happens. This has not helped with my growing confusion about my gender, as he sees me like a masculine girl. And for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable expressing femininity, only around him. Making me want to curl up in a ball because I am now more confused than ever. I don't understand any of these feelings, I thought I was female, then male, now something in between... But everything I imagine myself as feels fake. Even my sexual orientation feels fake, too, as if I was conditioned to like girls or something. I've tried to not identify as anything right now in my EC profile, it feels awful not to belong to any label, or to any group of identities. I wish some all-seeing being would be able to tell me what I am, I am tired of trying to figure it out myself. I feel like, after a year of questioning, I don't know myself at all.
I wish I had advice to give you but I am still questioning as well. Just when I think I have it figured out it seems to shift. One thing that caught my interest was that you said you believe that some people turn out trans due to nurturing. I believe this as while. I mean, I do think most people are agender and are comfortable enough in their gender to never question it. So for some, due to factors not tied to hormones, they grow uncomfortable as their birth sex or feel they would be happier as the other sex. The feminine things is same for me, except around my family instead of a guy. I think everyone has a bit of fem in them and that we are more comfortable showing it around those we feel safe with. Wish I could help
... You are Tai, a human being full of contradictions, just like everybody else. To be so aware of your contradictions is part of why you are hurting : You are aware of being a survivor, but can't be proud of it 'cause luck was an important factor. It'll be easy for any therapist to build an image of you by the data you gave away, but that doesn't mean that the image the therapist is seeing is the absolute, ultimate truth 'cause first to express felings is hard (and words will sooner or later lead to missunderstandings), and second... Nobody on this life as the faintest idea what's going on, and for this sentence I'd bet you my damned two hands and a leg. Nobody knows, and most of humans die without having a clue, even if the live to be 100. That being said, I think you need a break from all the gender theraphy, or t least try another therapist who has had more experience. And now, let me get this straight (no pun intended) : Don't try anything with the guy. I understand he might be nice, witty and cute, and I understand your need of love and affection, but please, Tai, please listen to me and don't go there right now 'cause you are not in a serene, stable mood. You are desperate and you are a mess. You need to take good care of yourself, go with your friends, enjoy music, movies... You don't need more troubles, and if the guy is worth it, he will wait. Please don't do this to yourself. Entering a relationship right now can mess up you head and heart big time, and if you re unlucky it will take you years to recover. You can't control that 'fallimg in love'. Avoid the guy like the bubonic pest. It took me years to realize that in all my relationships with men there was revenge on the bckground. It couldn't have been casualty that I always ended up hurting them... And that the more I hurt them, the better I felt. For that, for all what I did nd said I do deserve to rot in hell. Maybe he won't hurt you, but what if you end up hurting him. Things ain't as easy as they seem. Just don't go there right now...
Caduti, I'm happy that you see eye-to-eye with me on how one becomes transgender. Like gender itself, I don't think it's one way for everyone, it just depends on the person and it's a large spectrum of innate gender and nurtured gender. Some are 100% one way and 100% the other way, but they are rare, and most are somewhere in the middle. And Michael... can I just say, thanks for your concern. I do feel like my counselor doesn't know me very well, and that's not really her fault. It's mine, because I can't show my feelings very well and convert them into words. I may take a break, I've been feeling that it has helped me as much as possible right now and I won't be getting much out of it. She's told me that she isn't convinced by what I've told her that I am completely transgender, and that I shouldn't jump to conclusions. (Not her exact words, but I can't remember them.) However, I can't just ignore the guy. He is one of my best friends of five years, and a crush of mine for four. If I turn him down, it'd be a huge regret. I don't want to hurt this guy, at least not yet (hopefully never). I think this is exactly what I need. Another thing that holds me back from ever finding my gender identity is that I have never been social, never been outgoing, always shut in my house, playing virtual games, cut off from the normal social life of a teenager. I can't ever find out my identity if I stay shut off from everyone. I've got to go out and experience what it feels like to have a social life for me ever to be able to know who I am. It sucks, not going into all of it knowing what I identify as, but it's better than staying isolated and labeling my gender just from my experience of the comfort of my house. I realize you regret your relationships with others and don't want me to do the same... I appreciate it. But I'm sure our scenarios are very different, and I think I'd regret it if I isolated myself even more.
That's why they have the 1 year test, live life in the identity you believe you are or may be, and to see. For myself if I sit or hide at home, I get lost in thoughts and contradictions and worries. Actually going out and being me, helps me assure myself it was the right path.
I actually just made a post about it, but I think most people shall ignored it. I don't know if hormones washed over me before birth a nd wired me wrong, and I won't know till science provides a test for such things. But I do know that I was 7 or 8 when I had to start wearing training bras. It was just something that had to be done, I didn't like it but oh well. I was 10 when my boobs were noticeable enough for a boy to go "go milk" while walking down the 4th grade hallway. Nothing makes you feel Shane towards a body part like that does. I know a lot of my major depression as a teen was centered around my boobs and their increasing cup size. In 12th grade one girl made it a point to pick on my large boobs everyday for the 90 minutes we shared a class. I started viewing my boobs as useless bags of fat that made life miserable, but in had to keep them because boys liked them. Strangely enough I had not had a crush on a boy since I was in 8th grade. I just no longer found boys or girls attractive. It took me a while to realize that I was asexual though on a romantic level I was attracted to men. Recently I realize that I am agender. Perhaps to save my from depression I rejected gender all together. But I had also started in teasingly started thinking about becoming a boy. Given the chance I will remove my boobs in a heart beat. I know I already prefer male clothing over female. I hate periods and find my reproductive organs useless. Why have then if I won't use them? If my periods stop and my boobs are removes then I know I will lose a little bit more of what keeps me checking female, the other thing being that I was socialized to say I am female. HRT is something I consider mostly because my insurance covers SRS. It would be cheaper to go on HRT and get top surgery than to get my boobs removed on their own, because my insurance covers one and not the other. But they only cover top surgery if I have been on HRT for a year. But I also know I need to take step back and take things slowly. I am a bit a social. I rarely leave the house. I should probably try interacting with the world before I make any major decision about my future. I will start presenting myself as male to see how that goes.
Same here Dorian, being by myself creates more doubts as I overthink it. Caduti, I'm sorry you got bullied in 12th grade. Your trans feelings probably felt very real, as did mine when I started thinking about it. Good luck with presenting yourself as male, hopefully it goes well and you find what you wanted.
You don't need to enter a 'relationship' to have a social life, or even to have someone special in your life, someone to lean on. Sure our circumstances are different, as well as our characters, but hey, that 'I need to try this, otherwise I'd regret it' has been said and felt by all mortals... Including me by the way. You say it about a new dish, it's fine, but a relationship is something that takes more than a day in terms of how long it'll stay on your system. You mentioned you knew him for a long time, and it seems that the planets have aligned to create this unique combination... It's perfectly valid, don't get me wrong, all I'm saying is... What I just said... Self knowledge should be your top priority. I can see how getting involved with somebody else could complicate this process, not because of you personally, but because of the circumstances you just described. You are on an emotional rollercoaster and are about to jump into a rocket... If that doesn't make you dizzy, I have no idea what would. Your therapist might have a point... Or not. As usual, at the end is about what and how do you feel, so the therapist (at least the good one) is there to help you find the answer. It shouldn't he there to tell you directly the answer, and it's highly controversial the degree of intervention on your own journal of self discovery. I've heard some patients experience disscomfort as the therapy gets closer to the 'core issues', so most of them give up precisely when they should keep insisting. I have als heard of therapists who love to tell their clients what they feel and what they should do with their lives. To find a good therapist seems as hard as to find a good partner. I hope things work out for you.
Sure I don't need a relationship to have a social life, but I think it will help. I don't even know if it will become a relationship, we may just go on a date and be done with each other. Hoping that doesn't happen, though. Thanks, Michael, I'm really hoping they work out too. The quicker the better.
