Hello everyone ^^, my name by birth is Adam, and I want to let you all know that this is my first ever post here, and I'm hoping I can get some thoughts on advice on what I'm feeling and have been feeling for a while. I really do hope this is in the right area to post this, I wasn't really sure where else to put it. So, it's really strange I know, please bear with me, but sometimes I feel like there's two of me inside my one body. Like a second persona or soul. Her name is Asher (Ash is my initials and the name Asher came from that and just clicked), or sometimes Ashley, and I feel like she is me and is showing me my way through this time of confusion, but is a different person at the same time... It doesn't really make much sense and has gotten my mind in quite a knot. Sometimes I feel like I am Adam, and sometimes it's like Asher takes over my mind, but in a very loving manner. And I know it's all me, so I'm ok with it. But she definitely brings out my more feminine qualities that Adam has been hiding his entire life. Then sometimes I just kind of go back to being Adam, without really any defined transition, and sometimes I don't feel like either, and there have been times where it's almost like Asher is following me around and I can talk to her... (I sound so crazy). Am I a boy? Am I a girl? Neither? Both? I don't know. I want to be comfortable with her, but with Adam as well. I want to figure out how I can feel like one person again and be ok with whoever I end up to be. I very recently came out (yesterday!) as genderfluid to my gay roommate, the first person I've told this, and he accepted me with a huge smile on his face, god that felt good. But he didn't really know what to say about this "second me" either. I'm really quite confused and don't know what to think of the situation. So I'm wondering if anybody else has had this kind of experience in their lives who are willing to share, or if anyone has any thoughts or advice on what I should do or how to approach this. Anything would be appreciated! Thanks very much
Hi Adam and Asher I've heard a few trans* people describing their experience like this, especially when they start exploring their identity. I think it's a way for the mind to introduce this concept to you/help you explore it, without freaking you completely out! If it's something you've kept suppressed all this time, perhaps your mind has finally found a way to share this with you. Otherwise you may be bigender, which the two different personalities being your different experiences of gender. Often during transition if the person decides to go through with that, allows the new female identity to take over the male identity (or merging the two). Very rarely people identify as actually having multiple systems, ie two separate consciousness/personalities existing in their head. Well... I guess I'm responding because I am experiencing something similar. And I also felt kind of crazy acknowledging this other person. I was born female, but have never felt very comfortable with female roles or gender presentation - so I guess I'm pretty genderqueer anyway. But recently another personality seems to have evolved (or was always around but suppressed?) and I've called him a certain name (I won't share since it's pretty personal and could be identifying ) This is a name that's always been very special to me, my Mom is forever telling me stories of me as a kid, playing with my imaginary friend called the same name. He also seems to pipe up during the day, or if I'm feeling frantic/anxious he can step in to help out. He can also be a bit of a dick I sometimes feel like he's actually a separate voice talking to me, he even has a lower voice register than me (sounds male). Um, so yeah I have no idea if that's just me learning to accept my real gender identity and transition to a more masculine identity, or if I have traditional "disassociate identity disorder" or DID (used to be called multiple personality disorder). DID usually starts in childhood when experiencing severe childhood trauma, usually many personalities are present and the person often has a feeling of disassociation when under stress/triggered. My theory is that I had trauma as a kid being transgendered, and I stuffed all the masculine stuff into a personality that I could bring out as my imaginary friend. As I got older he became my companion in daydreaming, but I didn't really acknowledge him. As an adult he became more frantic to get out. What started everything for me was learning about other genders, about being "bigender" and learning that people can actually transition using hormones only (not needing surgery) - it kind of took the option from impossible to "maybe". What started it for you, or did she just appear out of the blue?
What you described with Asher and Adam suddenly switching places describes me perfectly. Every couple of days, Alexis takes over and I feel a great need to present female and be as feminine as possible. What sucks is that I cannot express this easily outside of my room. So no, you are not alone in having this happen. I cannot tell you how you will end up between Adam and Asher, but exploration is key. Buy some women's clothing that will flatter you, and when you are Asher, put them on and treat yourself as if you have always been Asher. See how you feel. From there, you just have to explore and see what makes you happy. I wish you the best! (*hug*)
Wow, it's so cool to see that other people have been going through the same thing, that is a huge confidence booster! I totally get what you mean with the whole imaginary friend deal, that's kinda how I've been feeling sometimes. Asher sometimes just follows me around and floats and does whatever, being a free spirit, and I am able to have simple conversations with her. It's really interesting. Glad to know I'm not crazy! I have often thought I may have some kind of dissociative disorder, especially when confronted with people mad at me, I would just kinda zone out and have a flat affect towards everything, and that did happen quite often as a kid, but never really to the point of becoming "someone else", per-say, just blank. So I suppose I'll tell my life story on this topic, for more information. Never shared this with anyone before, but here we go! I had always felt kind of strange and different as a kid, like somehow I wasn't like everyone around me, and at a point became obsessed with trying to find out "what's wrong with me." Then one day when I was around 9 years old, my dad was watching tv and there was a fashion show on the screen. He told me this was a unique fashion show. "You see all those girls on the screen? Well they're actually guys!" He told me about sex changes, and that sparked something in my head. I started researching into sex changes quite a lot, fascinated by the idea that it's possible to change your body like that. I kept on thinking about when my breasts were going to grow in, how I was going to grow into a beautiful, curvy, woman's body, and came up with these crazy ideas that would make me "transform" into who I want to be, from trying on my mom's clothes when no one was home to (honestly, I was really confused) eating a small amount of women's shampoo to "put the feminine beauty inside me." It eventually turned into a sort of secret fetish, and I blocked out any ideas of me actually going through with something like that, hearing all the negative comments towards being gay" or calling someone a "fag." I was already in a dark place and didn't want any more judgement against me, so I instead tried to "be myself", but god was I bad at that. I went into a really deep depression that has lasted my teenage years (I'm 19 now), and I couldn't even recognize myself in the mirror. I hated myself so much, and then (somehow) I got my first girlfriend, who I told I've felt like I might be gay, and she told me that was silly, because I was with her so obviously I wasn't gay. So I hid those feelings even more. After more time, past the relationship, I met a girl who claimed she was lesbian, yet we ended up hooking up for two weeks before she moved away for college. I told her some of my secret feelings, and she said crossdressing might be really good for me. I instinctively rejected the idea, but it's stuck in my head, and more and more I've wanted to be able to do that without being rejected by others. One day when I was in a deep meditation (I'm a very spiritual person) I suddenly felt as if something was trying to get outside of my body, and I released it, let it out. Being really confused on what just happened, I didn't try to think of it too much, but ever since that day I've felt a second entity with me. I thought I was haunted or something at first, but now I know it came from me. This went on for about half a year, being unsure about everything in my life, until I acknowledged its presence, and then the name just came to me. Asher. And I realized I was Asher, and always had been, and she had been here with me this whole time. So that's where I am now, still really confused but things make a little more sense now than they did a few years back. Problem is, I really like my male body. I think I'm attractive and look damn good. But sometimes I just can't stand the fact that I'm not a woman, and I can feel Asher there again whenever I feel that way. So yeah. Sorry that's such a long post, but I have a lot to say about this! Thank you so much for responding, it means so much that people are actually listening to my nonsense. You know just what I'm talking about, haha. Thanks for the advice! I think the next step for me is to build up enough confidence to actually go buy woman's clothing. The idea of going to a public place to do THAT though terrifies me. Guess I just gotta go for it... I really am happy that I'm not alone in this, what a relief!
The internet is your friend for clothing. While it will never beat walking into the store and trying things out, it is good for privacy. PM me if you want some links to good lingerie for men (would post it but the site is NSFW) However, if you absolutely need to go out to buy your first bits of women's clothing, thrift stores are your friend. Believe me, you will be one of the more normal things they will have seen that day.
Yessss, thrift stores are my favourite places to shop, not only is the clothing cheap, there's also a huge variety in styles, and you can try anything on that you like regardless of which side of the store you got it from, and nobody gives a damn that you are doing so :eusa_danc :eusa_danc ---------- Post added 8th Jun 2015 at 08:43 PM ---------- So good to hear your story - thanks for sharing! Asher is a beautiful name btw. Interesting how you experience her presence - I don't experience him as a presence I don't think, just thoughts/images in my head that are completely out of the blue and slightly foreign. I also was "different" as a kid, hated having to wear dresses, and had an extremely vivid imaginary world to play in, so I could ignore everyone else if I needed to. I always was a boy in these worlds. I guess I didn't need to disassociate if I could escape into my own fantasy. I opted for as masculine female clothes that I could find which helped a bit, but certainly had that longing to wear actual male clothing. Sounds like it might be, but can't really say. At least some mild disassociation. When I first noticed my growing chest, I cried in the shower and thought to myself I could no longer pretend to be a boy. It's funny how little I remember of my childhood, but this I remember very clearly. I also remember having a fantasy about how I was abducted by aliens and experimented on, turning me into a girl instead of a boy as I must have originally been. I hope you're finding a way out of this depression - please consider telling someone you trust about the depression, even if you don't tell about the other issues. You are so worth living for, and consider you are living for Asher now as well. You are not alone (*hug*) Oh, and meditation high five I only started this year but it helps a lot for my anxiety.
I guess don't get too set on the whole DID thing, because I think it's common to feel a female presence while you're figuring yourself out, but I certainly gained a lot of comfort from my "imaginary friend" so far. You may even find yourself merging into one wonderful person once you have found the path you need to be on. (*hug*)
Hey, that's a good point. Thanks again for the tips I'm currently broke as all hell, haha, so I can't really look into all too much at the moment, but I think I may still take you up on seeing your recommendations :icon_bigg Thank you for that compliment! ^^ I seriously feel like I should have done this whole forum thingy a long time ago. The support I've gotten, which is only from two people so far, but still, it means so much. I instantly don't feel so alone in this world. Yeah, it's not really something I'm all too focused on, just something I've noticed. It's one of the many things I looked into when I was in my "What's wrong with me?" phase. (*hug*) I feel like I've been digging my way out. After a few seriously life altering experiences I've had, I'm actually pretty optimistic about life and being able to experience all the things the world has to offer. I still get down of course, and sometimes it's unbearable, but in general I can say I'm definitely no longer the same person who started this crazy journey, I've gotten really far. Learning and living all the time Hell yeah meditation is fantastic! To relax your mind and really delve in deep, it's a practice I'm surprised is so controversial. Good for pretty much any issues in your mind, I'd say. Quick update on my life, I just started work at a summer resort up in the mountains, and I get to work with a bunch of happy people on an alpine slide and bungee trampolines and such. I think it's good to be surrounded by that kind of positive energy, though I'm scared to show my full self, for reasons I hope are obvious... Still trying to overcome my anxiety as well. You wouldn't happen to have any tips on that as well, would you?
