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Long rant, could use some advice/help

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ZeroDarkness, Jun 7, 2015.

  1. ZeroDarkness

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    So this is going to be a long rant, I apologize in advance. I just need to get it all out, and could really use some advice/help from anyone willing to give any (if you actually make it through the entire rant lol). I'm 22 years old and biologically a male, in case you're curious.

    I joined this site a year ago, finally accepting that I'm not a straight male. At the time, I wasn't sure what I was (and to some extent, I still don't know). All I know for certain, is that I'm not simply straight or a guy (binary). It's much more complicated than that, to the point that I can't even figure myself out.

    My freshman year of college, I moved out and into a dorm by myself. Everything was normal, then it hit me like a brick wall. The school I went to was very accepting of the LGBT community (which looking back was so important for me). They had several clubs, and many people were very open about who they were, with very little judgement from everyone else.

    Now, I went to a private Christian school my whole life, so I didn't even know about the LGBT community, and of course was always told how "being gay was a sin". Now, I never actually believed that. Part of me has always known I wasn't normal, I just didn't know what I was. So by my second semester, I started looking into the LGBT community. I started browsing forums and talking to people, looking for answers to who I am.

    I ended up deciding that I'm not straight. This I know for sure. If I were to categorize myself, it would be pansexual (I can like either gender equally, depends on personality more than anything). However, I also have no sexual attraction to either gender. This isn't because I don't find either attractive, it's quite the opposite. Both are attractive to me, but the thought of sex with either as I am currently, disgusts me.

    I don't like having a penis, it's gross. I want nothing to do with sex because of it. I know it's probably stupid, because I can be attracted to other penises, just not mine (something about having one I guess). So, I came across transgender blogs. I instantly realized that I may very well be transgender myself. I have always wished I could be a girl, for as long as I can remember. I just bottled it up, and accepted that I was born a guy.

    When I came across this particular blog (an MTF girl, whom I have followed through her journey for over 3 years now), I was so happy to find out that you could actually become a girl so to speak. After looking into it more, I realized that it's almost impossible for me though...

    Apart from the fact that I'm not 100% sure that I want to transition, there are so many complications. The main ones being acceptance, money, and appearance. I can get past telling my family/friends (when the time came), but the money would be tough. On top of that, I fear that I would feel ugly after transitioning. I know this sounds shallow and stupid, but as much as I would love to be a girl (I know I'm a female in my brain at least), I don't know if I can handle not passing.

    I don't need to be a super model, but I'm already super critical of my looks as a guy (I've been told I'm good looking, but I just can't see it). I'm 6' 1", 130lbs, and I have a tendency for quite a bit of body hair and facial hair. I shave regularly, but I just feel like it's almost impossible for me to pass. With the height, hand and foot size, then electrolysis, adam's apple reduction, voice training, electrolysis, everything. It just seems so impossible to me.

    I feel like I would probably kill myself if I went through with it all, and didn't pass. Again, I know it's selfish and shallow. It's just the way I am though. I want to be a girl so I can be myself, not for looks, but still. Anyway, I have always had to hide myself and I hate it. I hate myself. I try so hard to act masculine and be tough. I end up acting like an asshole and a jerk to everyone, just to be tough.

    At this point, I feel like I can't change who everyone sees me as. I want to be myself. I just want to feel cute, be nice, be who I KNOW I actually am. I want to cuddle up with someone, in feminine clothes, watch a movie, and be comfortable with my body. I just feel gross as a guy, and it feels wrong. Sometimes I pretend I'm a girl when I'm in bed, pretending I have a female body and can act how I want (more feminine) and that's the only time I'm happy, until I open my eyes and realize it's all fake.

    I don't know what to do. It seems so impossible to transition. I feel like I'll make a mistake or miss opportunities. I don't want to wait too long, but at the same time I'm in a tough spot. I need to finish a few more years of college for my degree, so I don't know how I can manage to pay for everything. Can anyone help me? I could use any advice/help you can offer.

    Someone once told me, that the only actual question you need to ask yourself if you're not sure if you're transgender is "If you were given a button that would magically turn you into a girl, would you press it?". The answer is yes, every time. I wouldn't hesitate. That's of course ignoring the passing issue, the money issue, everything else. I don't know what to do, I'm just never happy as is. Every couple of weeks, I come back to this issue. I try to forget about it, then it hits me like a brick wall. I can't think of anything else. If anyone actually sat down and read this, you are an angel. Seriously, this is a huge rant and I'm so sorry.
     
  2. Florestan

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    I haven't transitioned myself, so I can't promise anything I have to say will be useful, but I'll do my best. Transitioning is a long process, and you don't have to figure it all out before taking the first steps. Maybe once you find a job after college you could start saving money specifically for this? And if you don't measure up to people's expectations of physical appearance, they're the ones to blame, not you. Passing is good for avoiding unwanted attention in public, but it's not as important as being able to accept yourself.
     
  3. ZeroDarkness

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    I appreciate any help :slight_smile:

    That's true, I guess the best thing is to just start somewhere. I just want to start sooner rather than later (if I do decide I'm going to do it). Honestly, I'm more worried about what I'll think of my appearance rather than what others think. I'm often overly critical of myself, and I can get obsessive about how I look.

    I know it's dumb, but I'm a perfectionist with these kinds of things, so it would probably drive me mad if I looked in the mirror and still saw my body as male rather than female. I don't care too much about what others think, I'm more worried about accepting myself.

    My heart really just hurts right now. I would love more than anything to just run out of my room and tell my mom everything. I know she would be supportive and probably even help me figure things out, but I just can't build the courage to. I have severe anxiety as well, which doesn't help. Just thinking about telling her makes me feel like I can't breath, even though I'm certain she would be understanding. It's stupid, but welcome to my life >.<
     
  4. Florestan

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    I know how anxiety is. I can start to panic just thinking about being open about my gender. Even though it would be good to tell your mom, there's no reason to feel guilty for being nervous. You'll be ready in your own time. I know that for myself, being out to just a few supportive people has helped me accept myself a lot more. There were times I hated myself almost violently before finding friends that loved me for who I was.
     
  5. BobbyFabulous

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    Hi Zero,

    So I'm going to come at this from two sides and since I am not personaly transitioning take this as just my experiences. One is from my own perspective. I'm genderfluid and will never fully transition to female because I am not always female, nor am I always male. The other is from watching my best friend transition. I also understand how hard it is to feel like you will never pass, I am so nervous that when I start expressing as female I won't pass. I am 6'7" 280 lbs.

    Being genderfluid I will never fully transition to being female because I know that as soon as I do I will want to be male and as soon as I become male again I will want to be female. Because of this my best friend will be helping me find the right cloths and body grooming products so that I can present as female on days that I identify as female.

    I met my best friend 12 years ago before she had started to transition and have been with her through the entire thing. She started going to a psychologist who specialized in this field and a year or so latter started taking hormones. Several years latter she did hair removal from her face. She also became more comfortable buying female cloths and going to buy makeup. She is still a little nervous about going to the mall to get her makeup done though I or her boyfriend go with her to help her.

    What I'm saying is that we all start somewhere, I am just starting on my journey to present myself in a way that makes me happy, my friend started in her mid 20's and is still transitioning though every step she takes makes her happier. She's transitioning slowly partly because of lack of money partly because her nerves on it but she is thinking of doing top surgery soon.

    As Florestan said transitioning takes time but if transitioning makes you happy then start small. Find something that makes you feel more female and do it. I have a necklace that I wear and next week I'm going for my first mani/pedi with my best friend.
     
  6. ZeroDarkness

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    Thank you both for the advice :slight_smile:

    I can understand feeling like you switch between feeling like a guy and girl. I almost feel the same way, that I shouldn't transition because I might regret it and wish I was a guy. But my thoughts are that I can always still be more tomboy-ish on days I feel more like a guy.

    One of the main problems is that I don't like my body. I don't mean like the shape, muscle, or anything like that. I just mean that I don't like that it's masculine (hair, some muscle, my genitals, etc). It just doesn't feel right I guess. I doubt I would ever be a very feminine girl in the way I would dress and do makeup, but I am 100% a girl in my mind and my personality (also I feel my body should be female for these reasons).

    Idk if that makes any sense, but I guess I would identify as more of a tomboy (but still with a female body). I would still be sort of feminine, but I probably wouldn't wear like dresses and tons of makeup and stuff. The biggest thing for me is just feeling comfortable in my body. Like I said, I hate having a penis and having body/facial hair. It just all feels gross to me, and always has.

    I also hate acting like a male, but I feel weird if I don't (I feel like I have to act that way with my body). I usually just wear jeans and long sleeve shirts (despite living in the south, where it's hot), because I feel like I need to hide myself. I just feel more comfortable hiding myself. I guess I just feel like I need to transition to make myself comfortable and to finally be happy.
     
  7. BobbyFabulous

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    I understand that and I would never push someone away from transitioning if it would make them happy. It's not right for me because I'm gender fluid but it's right for my best friend because she's mtf transgender.

    I also understand not liking your body, I don't like mine whether I'm male or female on any given day, female days are the worst though. I'm working on loosing weight and trying not to gain a lot of muscle right now so when I go shopping for more feminine cut jeans and shirts they will fit better. I am also looking at some hair grooming products for my arms, legs and chest.

    Since you mentioned hair have you maybe thought of shaving and I'm personally going to have to look for a wig since I need to possibly express myself differently on a daily basis instead of growing my hair out. You might want to think of clothing, maybe a pair of women's jeans and a shirt, even if it's just to wear in your home it can definitely help and be a place to start because some of the transition will take time and money but you can work towards those.

    I'm 31 and I've acted like a man everyday of my life except in front of my best friend. I was lucky enough to find my best friend when I was about your age and I was able to be my feminine side freely, most of the time without even realizing it. So maybe finding one person that you can open up to in real life, I know how hard it is to do that, where you can be yourself could help as well.
     
  8. ZeroDarkness

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    Yeah, for me I just don't like having a male body. I meant hair as in body hair/facial hair actually :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: If I do decide to transition, I will probably still dress/act male until I'm confident I can pass (probably at least a year into HRT, and possibly even after some surgery). So I'm not too worried about the hair on my head (has time to grow), more worried about all of the electrolysis I would need >.<

    Also, it's a good suggestion to start dressing more feminine, but honestly I would rather just wait until I'm farther in my transition to do that. Like I said, I'm more about feeling comfortable with my body and who I am, rather than wanting to dress a certain way. That's just me though, and that opinion might change if I start HRT :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. Jellal

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    Baby steps first! You may find yourself pleasantly surprised at your progress, even motivated. What I do is listen to a lot of music that I find inspirational to get really pumped up. One of the first things I did that made me feel a lot more "fresh" was shave, which I hadn't done in years. It felt like climbing out of a nasty ass costume that someone had stuffed me in. I would say the most important step that I took (so far at least) was building a support network with my friends and close family. So when shit hits the fan, if it does, then I won't be standing alone. It was scary to come out to them, I hesitated with my old high school friends the most and waited three more months to tell them. But eventually I just bit the bullet and did it. My heart was pounding out of my chest even though all I did was send them letters over the internet.

    Trust me, I'm anxious, I consider myself a coward, but I was ultimately able to do at least this much. I think you can too. When I read your post it reminded me of a friend I've made this year. It's comforting to know that a lot of us are in similar positions here, and we can do this together if we encourage one another and follow the right steps. So start small and don't be afraid to dream big. The future can be very malleable if you take it into your hands.
     
  10. BobbyFabulous

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    See I didn't know which way you were going on the hair comment so I kinda mentioned both :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Yeah full body electrolysis would be something. I'm just going to shave for the time being but my friend did it for her face and she loved the results.

    My friend was probably on HRT for about a year before she really dove into changing her wardrobe but she would do little things before that like buy mary janes or some more gender neutral cloths that she liked seeing her body in even if she didn't like how her body looked before a year or so under HRT.

    And I know I've mentioned it a couple times but find something small that you can do to make you happier about your body. Transitioning is not a fast process and while I'm not planning HRT or surgery personally I've been presenting as something I'm not for 31 years and I'm just recently starting to work on getting myself to a better place. While i wear a necklace the days I feel female I wear a dog tag with my favorite female cartoon character etched on it and it reminds me whats down the road no matter how long that road may be.

    It might not be for everyone but you gotta find what works for you :grin:
     
  11. ZeroDarkness

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    Thank you guys! You're both right, I just need to start somewhere, even if it's a little bit at a time. I know one of my biggest problems is seeing things as an all or nothing deal, rather than just easing into it and doing one thing at a time.

    I guess I would be more androgynous or genderqueer than just straight feminine, but I know in my mind I'm female and I really don't like the male body (again, facial/body hair, genitals, just the whole thing). I'm more worried about being comfortable in my own body than presenting as a male or female. I'm sure there would be days I would still dress more male, but I would be 100x happier knowing I was female doing so.

    I do need to start somewhere though. I've been thinking about telling my mom and seeing if I can get to a therapist to talk to about it. Like someone who can help me decide and eventually lead to me getting hormones. But I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack and die every time I think about telling my mom how I feel.

    Side note: it's funny how accurate anime can be. Like when the female characters go to ask a boy something, then get super shy and almost have a heart attack, only to retreat to a corner and be depressed. That's me right now XD I also have no clue if anyone can even picture this, I'm just seeing it in my head and trying my best to put it into words :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: