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Just a butch or something else?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Vegetarian94, Jun 12, 2015.

  1. Vegetarian94

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    Hello, hello,

    I identify as a butch lesbian. I came out four years ago and I have been rather comfortable with myself. However, I am a bit confused lately.

    As a child, I wanted to be a boy. I was in the theatre and insisted on playing male roles, I played with boys, I dressed like a boy - always the "tomboy" in the group, and I always wished that I could run about without my shirt like the boys did. My parents joked that I was their son instead of a daughter.

    These days, I despise anything feminine. I can't stand it if my hair is long, I can't wear any female clothes, I refuse to use any perfumes or feminine soaps or makeup, I am not interested in most of the "typical" female things, and I welcome various male traits with open arms.

    I haven't seen myself as a male since my childhood. I'm comfortable with all of my, ahem, parts. But, I can't stand ANYTHING girly at all. I ask all of this because I watched a film called "Tomboy" (excellent film, I suggest it highly) and I can't get it out of my head. It's about a young girl who wants to be a boy, and it sort of got to me, I suppose. Made me think.

    I'm doubting that I'm trans or anything of the like, but I feel like "butch" just isn't enough to describe me. Oddly, I don't believe in titles or categories or anything of the like, but I am agitated about my gender. I want to be comfortable with who I am, and I want to find people whom I can relate to. Feeling out-of-place is not exactly my idea of a good time.

    I've heard about "studs" or "bois" before, though I'm not familiar with the terms. Could one of those be right?

    Thank you kindly for reaching the end of this post :slight_smile:
     
  2. Michael

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    I'm not familiar with 'stud' or 'boi'.

    What do you think that 'butch' lacks to define you? And why do you despise so much anything feminine, if you are not forced to fit in there?
     
  3. Vegetarian94

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    I don't like anything feminine because it doesn't feel right. When I put on girl clothes or perfume or makeup, I do not feel comfortable in my own skin. It feels wrong, I suppose. It isn't who I am at all. It's as if I'm put in a costume, a characterization, that I simply cannot be. I become a stranger to myself.

    That's why I don't know if butch is enough. Butch seems to indicate a lesbian who dresses and acts masculine, who falls somewhere on the spectrum of masculinity. I am at the extreme of that spectrum, which feels like a bit more than someone calling me a butch. Lately, it just seems like I'm not as comfortable as I was. Butch seemed to fit before, but I feel like I'm hovering between genders lately. That makes me anxious, not really knowing where I fit in.
     
  4. Michael

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    There is nothing wrong in not liking or wearing 'feminine' stuff if you don't feel it's for you. If you think women are 'silly' because they like or use such clothes or perfumes, or that they are guilty when they are being harassed because of dressing in a certain way... That is mysoginia, and that needs work, the first step being investigating where that comes from, where are the roots. This piece of self knowledge is precious.

    Personally, I never identified at all with the term 'butch'. Butch is not a degree of 'masculinity', but of 'feminity'. If you think 'butch' doesn't feel 'enough' it's probably time to do some experimenting, and perhaps a bit of walking down memory lane, even if that might be the last thing you'd like to do right now, but at some point you'll have to do this : Better sooner than later.

    Read all you can about gender. Lurk on EC and read the post, trying to find the ones you identify with the most. There is also somewhere a video of Lana Watchowski that helped me a lot at the beginning of my journey, you might want to check it out.

    Don't be anxious for not knowing all the answers right now and hovering between genders, 'cause it's part of the process. Take your time, but commit to give to yourself the real questions, instead of running away.

    Keep your mind and your eyes open all the way. If you have the chance to get counseling at a LGBT center, by all means do. Also to just write down your own thoughts can help.

    This is a search, a work in progress, so take it as it comes... And be honest with yourself, even if it scares you. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

    Shall you need anything, we and the mods will be around.
     
    #4 Michael, Jun 14, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 14, 2015