I'm sure there ate others who do this like me but I feel alone right now so I'm making a thread. And hey, if you ever want to know if someone is having similar feelings of experiences then feel free to hijack this thread to find out. We all need to know that we're not alone. I flip flop back and forth between wanting to transition, and if I should. I guess I am blessed in the fact that I have little dysphoria, though I now seem to dream that I am a man and when I wake up I feel upset that I have no penis. But when I do think about how I want to transition yet have little dysphoria I realize that a phycologist probably wouldn't find me trans enough. And I know there are informed consent places but I am looking at it from this angle, I have follow the conditions of my insurance. My insurance covers SRS, I have to get a letter from the therapist after so many hours visited, I tend have to be on T for a year and have two letters (1 from a therapist and another from a psychologist) to get top surgery, I then have to be living as my chosen gender for a year after top surgery to qualify for bottom surgery, should I choose to have and I would need two more letters for that as well. So that is probably well over 3-4 years. Here's the next catch, I come off this insurance when I am 25. I am know I need to wait till I am sure, but in 2 years my chance will have slipped me by. Its one of the few insurances around that cover this. So I sort of resigned myself to the fact that I might not transition. That causes a very sad feeling in me. I don't know why I feel I need this, but I do. I need to be a man. I could wait and save and wait and save till I can afford it, I am an impatient person. I could come out to the rest of my family and start seeing a doctor, but I want to be certain before I see a doctor as well. They expect you to say you hate yourself, that you wish to die because of your gender, that you've known your whole life you were in the wrong body. If you don't match up then you can't be trans. And even more frustration is that their seem to only be 1 or 2 gender therapist in my state, both well over an hour away from where I live. So again I tellml myself I won't transition. Not like being a girl all that bad. But the voice in the back of my head says I want to be a man. I watch ftm videos and grow sad and jealous. I am such a messed up person
You are not. I see fully transitioned trans people and it makes me jealous since I'm not out and 100% there... Trust me you're not alone.
I relate so much to your story. My insurance ends when I am 35 and I need to live a year as a girl to be eligible for bottom surgery. This gives me only a 5 months window to start hormones and this is all going so fast. I know that my family needs longer to process but every day that passes makes it less likely that I will transition. It also doesn't help that I am losing hair and at a certain point it becomes irreversible and I might have to resign myself to wearing a wig for the rest of my life, making transitioning more problematic. Like you, I'm cycling between being sure about having to transition to being full of doubts and fears and insecurities. Sometimes it just seems so tempting to sink and give up to save my family the pain. Luckily, so far, I've always manage to bounce back. I think this is something that most of us have to face throughout the journey. I mean it's such an unbelievably hard process to go through, so it is natural to have doubts, fears and second thoughts. While I believe that I do have fairly severe dysphoria, I've survived for 34 years without transitioning so it can be tempting to just accept my fate and live the same way I have for so long, disconnected and dependent on others for happiness. However, deep down I know that there is no turning back, I can't forget what I learned over the last few months and as a result of this knowledge the dysphoria will just grow in intensity until it eventually breaks me. It's like the idea of taking the two pills in matrix. Once you take the pill that wakes you up, you can never go back to being ignorant about who you really are. You are never alone here.. much hugs, (*hug*) Yael
I feel you, dude. I have about four years left before I'm off my current insurance, so it's not so much the time issue--but I'm also pretty impatient, and I'd like to jump in. My issue is more that my dad outright asked me not to transition. He knows I don't consider myself female, but I don't think he realizes just how far in the opposite direction my identity trends. Also, the majority of my family is moderately to super transphobic (thanks, Caitlyn Jenner, for coming out just in time to keep me from telling my family and getting disowned). So I'm floating in this space where I know that I want to transition, that I would weep tears of joy if I woke up one morning in the right body, but I don't know for SURE enough to come out and risk losing my family. It feels like it'd be better to just deal with things as they are than to go through all the trouble and pain of making the change. You know? BUT THEN. I get the same rush of jealousy and sadness as you when I see other dudes who've successfully transitioned. I look at cis-guys and think, "Damn. Not fair." And every time I think to myself, "Well, I'll be fine. I'll just stay as I am and deal with it," I feel totally hopeless and want to cry. Sorry, I know you said it was cool to hijack the post, but I really just meant to reassure you that you aren't alone, or nearly as messed-up a person as you think.
Hijack away my friend And then when I decide to live how I am I want to laugh because I know tomorrow or sometime with in the week I am back to thinking about transitioning Its there every time I look in the mirror and see how boyish I already look and how I like this look. Then I wonder if I should try being more girly. Put makeup on and restyle my hair, maybe I'll find her to be better. But in the back if my head is the voice whispering ever so gently "if you had been born a boy you wouldn't have to worry about any of this." As if I needed reminding that I would not being questioning my gender if in had just been born a boy
