I am 15 years old. My birthday is in around 3 months. I was born male, and for most of my life I have had no problems with that. Recently though...I'm not so sure. I've been thinking about gender related issues a lot lately, and I have no idea what kind of category I fall under. Even when I was young, I always had good friends of both genders. I never understood why so many young boys supposedly think girls are icky. At some point, at least two years ago but possibly more, I began fantasizing about what it might be like to be a girl. I always thought of that as a fantasy though, the way I might think of interacting with a dragon or going to Hogwarts. More recently, I have been feeling empty space on my chest where breasts could be, and have imagined being on the female end of sex. While this seems lto me ike a fairly normal experience for a trans woman...it isn't really that clear cut. I am socially pretty comfortable with bring male. When students have been, for example, divided into a guys group and a grls group, I am perfectly happy with the guys group (except when they are incapable of working together, but not really the point) and would feel awkward in the girls. I also have no desire to have long hair (or any hair at all really, I say the less of it, the better) or wear anything other than a T-shirt and jeans. To further complicate the matter, I have a (straight cis) girlfriend who I love, and we've been together for the past 7 months. I don't want to do anything that might end in me losing her. I don't know if I could take it. Any advice? Anybody here been in a similar situation?
I obviously don't know anything about your relationship but assuming that your girlfriend is understanding loving I might talk with her about it. If it turns out you are gender non conforming then she'll have to know eventually so wouldn't it be better if someone who knows you and loves you were there to help you through it (cause there is no doubt that questioning your gender is terrifying). That may cause your relationship to end (romantically at least) but for me I find friendship much more powerful than romance. Sure I can say all this but I know its a lot harder than just doing it so mull it over, perhaps build up the courage to talk to her, then ask her to go on a late walk around a park (that's when I find it best to talk to people at least) or as I often recommend write her a letter and leave it someplace for her to find it when your not together (on a desk just before you leave her house or in the pages of a book that you lend her, I love that one ). If you do that then she doesn't have the pressure to answer right away and she can rationalize it and realize she loves you. In the end though its your decision, don't let anyone make you go about it one way or the other, I just find having the support of even just one person you are close to makes so much difference. Now, in response to everything else (haha, i always let out five words whenever one will do it seems) starting from the first paragraph and working down. Lets start with categories you might fit in. Well I can think of a few that might fit: Yourself, Human, Individual, Thoughtful. The point is there are all sorts of labels but to have a set of words that are able to fit to everyone's perception and experience of gender we would need at least as many words as there are people on the planet. Though I see that finding a word to use for yourself can be comforting and if you think it will help then definitely look around (I'm afraid I don't really use them myself much so i don't know a lot of them but i'm sure you can look around on EC and find several that you might like). All right, second paragraph. So as far as social groups go, I don't know how to fit into them or feel good in any but I can tell you the older the people get the less and less they matter or exist. Now about the fantasies. I had a similar thing for all of high school. I would think quite often, "Darn if I could choose my sex I suppose I would be a girl but I'm not so oh well." Never did i have even the hint of a though about my present gender, I always wanted to change what I was never what I am. it was always "I wish i was born a girl", never "huh, I could be something other than male right now." eventually things just clicked so my advice here is to just watch your gender. Don't try to force it one way or the other, just let it form itself and try to accept it into yourself. I suppose that was the second and third paragraph but oh well. I suppose that's all I have at the moment. I hope at least a little bit of my long winded response helps even if just a sentence or two and I wish you the best of luck in your journey to find yourself. I'll be here so if you have any questions, any at all just ask and ill answer the best I can (or if you want them to be private shoot me a PM). Be yourself and be happy ~ Dirkinz
Thanks! Your response really got me to thinking. Specifically the line: I always wanted to change what I was never what I am. it was always "I wish i was born a girl", never "huh, I could be something other than male right now." I think before I read that, I was kinda thinking the same thing. I never emotionally comprehended that there are things I can do. I think where most of my indecision comes from is that while I would prefer a female body to a male, I don't think I could ever really identify as a woman. On the other hand, I doubt I can identify as a man either...
I know just how that feels. For me, being female was definitely more about not being male at first. Not until I felt I had achieved that was I able to realize I felt female. You say " I don't think I could ever really identify as a woman" but I encourage you to try experimenting a bit. If you don't identify as a woman then just pretend to and try some stuff out (for me the early things were things like shaving my arms and legs and taking much better care of my nails, along with more androgynous clothes, stuff that was easy to hide). While you do try your best to just, for lack of a better word, flow with your feelings and emotions. Force yourself to not force yourself to act any certain way, just perhaps for an hour every couple evenings once everyone is asleep. I'm glad I was able to help a bit and I just want to say try not to be scared of letting your subconscious take control once in a while, for many people I think it is the true them, and that's what I think the greatest part of being trans* is. Its not about going from the male box to the female box, its about finding yourself, no matter what boxes you do or don't fit in. Also, just a sort of funny side note. For me, looking back on it, I think the moment when I first thought "huh, I think I really can identify as female" was the first time I "passed". I put it in "" and italics because what happened was I was in line to check out somewhere and the lady in front of me was taking a long time so the person in the next register over said "I can help you ma'am" (I had grown my hair a little at that point and I was wearing tight clothes but it wasn't like I was trying to "pass" then or anything even close). I was so surprised, in a pleasant way I might add, that I basically silently checked out with her. I think she corrected herself about the ma'am but wasn't quite paying attention, haha. Lastly, again sorry about the rambling, im terrible with keeping things like this concise. ---------- Post added 19th Jun 2015 at 10:02 PM ---------- Oh, I forgot to add something that kind of goes along with the whole "Trans* is about being yourself thing". Your new here so while you likely know about non-binary genders I figured I'd just make sure. They include many things (while i dont like useing labels myself because I think they just create more "boxes" they can certainly be helpfull to a lot of people) such as Agender, Bigender, Gender-fluid, and other stuff. You might check those out if you feel you are neither female or male or both sometimes.
Yeah, I definitely do know about non-binary genders. I suppose someone who identifies as non-binary can still wish they were born as the opposite sex? And yeah, I have been and will continue to be experimenting. The other day, I went into a clothing store and tried on a dress in a changing room. I felt...absolutely nothing. It was no different from wearing the T-shirts/jeans that I normally wear. What kind of clothes tend to come off as androgynous that I should look into if I want to be less gender-specific?
It was somewhat the same for me the first time I tried on some womens clothing; Although that might have just been fear masking anything else. For me though, wearing womens clothing in and of itself doesn't make me feel right, what it does do though is present myself as female and so others address me as female. That is what I like about it. interestingly when I most feel like my true self I often wear male clothes, mostly cause my true self is far too lazy to go through the effort to feminize itself, haha So, as far as clothing goes, I have a tall slender frame so tight fitting clothes (generally androgynous womens clothes work better than androgynous mens clothes for me)work well for me. I carry a purse but it could easily just be called a satchel. in all honesty I am terrible at advising on this type of stuff so i dont have much more for you but im sure you can find some people who can hep more with that.
I identify as a non-binary trans woman. My gender does not exist within the binary, but is rooted in the female gender, so non-binary trans woman works best. Gender is really confusing a lot of the time.
