As of late I have been frustrated by what I see in the mirror (original, i know). It completely doesn't coexist with what I feel inside (once again, original) and I hate it. The thought that maybe I will never be viewed as female or at least not for a long time, is heartbreaking. Ive been struggling with this a lot in a rather short period of time, so I may be rushing things, but once I deconverted from Catholicism and reconverted to Paganism I have been a lot more accepting of myself because I know that my views are personal and my own and no one else can change that. Soon after I began questioning my sexuality. With some research and a ton of self searching, Ive come to the conclusion that I am indeed Pansexual. I knew for a while I wasn't straight, but convinced myself I was until it couldn't last any longer. Once that wall broke down, the gender barriers soon followed. Very quickly I realized that although I may have a penis, I am not male. I feel male maybe 10% of the time, and thats being generous. I want to feel feminine, I want to be seen as a female, I want people to call me Ma'am, and use she and her instead of he and him. But I feel that may not ever happen. My family are religious and Im going to a catholic school next year, complete with uniforms and theology classes. Whats really been bothering me is that I can't just go out and buy a womans t-shirt, or a skirt, or anything feminine, despite how much I want to, without my parents doing the whole "absolutely not, you'll look gay" :help: And, at the school Im going to next year, the uniforms are shirt and pants for males, shirt and skirt for females. I want a skirt! But alas, a conservative religious private school with a transgender student? I don't think so. Overall, things have been rough, because even if i could dress female, Im kinda fat and would still look like a male. I would do anything to be female, but ugh, society. This is the kind of thread that comes in the dozens, but if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
I feel you, sister. It can be tough with such a conservative family. First I would try to work on a coming-out plan for them, if at all possible. If it's not safe till you're independent then don't come out yet. It seems that openly presenting as female isn't an option for you. So here are some options. You could buy a skirt, dress, and other girl clothing and keep them secretly. Then dress up when no one's around, at night, or behind a locked door. That way you could still have some time presenting in a way that makes you comfortable. This also helps with envisioning how you might look in the future. You could try growing out your hair, although considering you're going to a catholic school they may have dress/hair codes that prevent long hair on boys. Though it's not impossible to, as with the skirt idea, get a wig and just keep it a secret for dressing up. I hear that a wig helps a lot of trans*girls. But if you cannot buy these things alone, you may be able to get a trusted friend to buy them for you. Other than all of this, maybe you could try makeup, feminine jewelry, lingerie, etc. Even if it's hard to see yourself as the girl you want to be now, there is hope. The results of medical transition are amazing, you'd be surprised. -Rhys-
Thats the first time anyone has ever referred to me using proper pronouns!! That feels awesome!! (*hug*)
