My Story, Or More So a Wall of Text

Im sorry for the length, but I really needed to get this out there. Ive been through a lot, but now I am happy and I can be myself and thats the most important thing to all of us. If someone struggling reads this, they feel better. Everything gets better. I love you all.


I was raised Catholic. For the most part of my life, I followed Catholicism. I enjoyed it, I went to church, and prayed, and was always that good little Catholic boy. But something always nagged me, lurked in the back of mind all the time. I didn't feel right. Why did I have boy parts? What if sometimes I was attracted to boys? I looked into it. Sin, wrong, God doesn't make mistakes, you can't do that its wrong. I didn't understand. I was confused and lost. But I pushed it away. Whenever I thought of it, I made myself stop thinking about it. I would think of anything else. Anything but the truth. Soon enough, I began asking questions. Why was it wrong to be who I am? What says that being different is wrong? I was always told to be myself. But I couldn't do that. I hid from myself for so long, I wasn't acknowledging who I actually was. I became a different person. And that persona lived for quite a while.

Soon I began to get really anxious. I hated being outside. I got through that. But soon, I started developing severe social anxiety. I thought that my own family wanted to kill me. I didn't want to go anywhere in public because they were going to kill me. It felt so real. Soon enough, I developed panic attacks. Whenever they happened, I started crying. Not some little tear, but choking on my own gasps for breath. I screamed and flailed my limbs around because I was so consumed with energy and it had no where else to go. Overwhelmed by
adrenaline and tears, it was horrible. But the worst part of it is that you can't do anything about it. Once it happening, its happening. Nothing you can do about it. It's hell. Complete agony. Before I knew it, I was depressed. Things got really bad really quick. I fell into a pit of self-hate that I thought I would never escape. trigger warning I started cutting myself. Soon it became an addiction. I couldn't go through the day without the blade. It was my drug, but unlike most drugs, you can't do them with nothing but your own body. Suicidal thoughts soon rose to idealizations, which soon lead to plans. Before I knew it, I was in the hospital. I was in the psych ward for 5 days. 5 days may not seem like a lot, but its an eternity. It was a schedule of working on a packet of coping skills and whatnot and group therapy. I hated it, because I hated myself. The doctor on duty told me I was selfish and stupid for having a mental disease. Things went on, and eventually I was free. I then went on to go on to a group therapy out-patient program for around a month and a half. Soon I graduated from that and went on to weekly therapy.


Around that time I had a friend who I was really close with. I would go to her when I was sad and suicidal. Eventually as the school year came around and was decently in to the year. I became too much for her to handle. I hurt the only person I loved. And it destroyed me. All of the pain and suffering I felt came back threefold. It was the darkest time of my life. I turned to art rather than the blade, I drew and painted to relieve stress. I worked with oil pastel and eventually started painting. I paint by throwing, splashing, dripping,etc. Im an action painter. I put heart into those throws of paint. The lines and splatters were more than just that, they were pure emotion. Soon I came to realize that all of this pain was caused by a refusal to be myself. A refusal to acknowledge what I was on the outside didn't match up with what was on the inside. Pretending to be a straight, cisgender catholic boy was devastating to my self image and happiness.

And because I was expressing myself in a positive way, I saw things in a positive way. The part of me, the real me, was starting to poke its head out. I soon decided Catholicism was not for me, in fact I was never even really Catholic. I held completely different beliefs at heart but was too afraid to admit it. I looked into things, and soon came to the Pagan faith. I had a brief stint in Wicca, and I am now an eclectic pagan, meaning I draw from various pagan paths. For me, its celtic reconstructionism and heathenry,but I am neither a celtic reconstructionist or a heathen. I always loved individuality, and now, my religion was my own. It felt great, I was called to my own beliefs, but there was something even more exciting. Most pagans not just tolerate LGBT+ folk, but encourage it and many of them are LGBT+. So once I was comfortable with half of my true self, the other half still had to be determined.

I did a lot of soul searching, and because from an early age I was attracted to men and women, but when I looked at bisexuality, the label didn't fit. So I did more research and came across pansexuality. And I knew that was what I was. But I knew I wasn't male, but what was I? I found the non-binary genders and I knew that was what I was. But I was also a female. I believe that my gender is outside of the binary, I wasn't just male or female, I was mostly female, but my gender identity had other genders in it, genders outside of male and female. I now identify as a non-binary transgender woman. While only 2 people know of my sexuality, and no one of my gender, and I am still pretending that I am a male, and dressing as such. I am in the process of coming out, and I'm sure many of you feel the same way.

And it feels great. I can now love myself and love others without restraint. I have accepted that I am me and thats okay. And you, the person who read that wall of text, it is okay to be you. The reason I just pored out my soul and told my story was to tell you that things get better. Im not saying this because its the thing to say to people going though hard times, I'm saying this because I know. A year ago, I thought that I was going to be dead by 20, killed by my own hand, and that things wouldn't get better. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I know deep down that things do. I am happy again. I can live again. I can feel again. I can love again. And so can you.

If anyone feels any way other than happy because of who you are, is that EC will accept you. And we will love you. If anyone wants to talk, I am always open and hope anyone who reads this and can relate will friend me

Stay strong. (*hug*)(&&&)

 

Yes, I feel the same way. It's hard to accept your mind over your body,but in the end, it's what we have to do. I am a girl, and will continue to be a girl, because I was always a girl.

 

I only attempted it once, sorry you had to go through that.