I'm really gender confused at the moment ...

For most of my life I'd been fine with being a girl, if a little bit on the masculine side rather than being overly feminine. I've always preferred wearing jeans and shirts over dresses, and I've always fit in really well with guys and girls. I dislike most stereotypically 'girly' things like shopping, shoes, makeup, romance, and other stuff like that, but I had never really felt any dysphoria or discontent with being a girl.

But maybe two years ago I watched a great documentary on trans* people, and I discovered the whole idea of gender dysphoria and being ftm. Since then, I've been really confused about my gender - I don't think the doco really changed my thinking, it just made me more aware of who I could be.

Maybe 60% of the time, I love dressing in men's clothing and acting in an androgynous way. Some days I want to do it more than others, but I pretty much never want to dress or act like a stereotypical girly girl. I don't really have a problem with being a girl, though, but I have to act quite masculine to be happy.

I think I feel mild gender dysphoria in some situations, but I'm not sure. A recent example is that I went to a party with a few family members, and I had to be introduced to a lot of new people. I had to wear a mildly feminine kind of shirt and earrings at the request of my mother, and the whole time I was so self-conscious about my appearance, and cringed every time my mother introduced me as '[her] daughter'. When I got home I had to put on men's underwear and wear my binder just to feel relaxed again.

But the weird thing is, I don't really have a big problem with being a woman or having female genitalia - I just have a problem with being too feminine. When I'm in a situation where I have to act or dress too feminine, I hate every second of it, and often I make myself feel better by dressing really masculine in private.

I'm happiest when I'm not really thinking about my gender - when I'm not aware of having breasts or a feminine face - but I don't think I'm fully ftm because I really can't imagine living life as a guy. Has anyone else felt like this? Am I androgynous or genderfluid or actually trans* or what?? :icon_sad:

 

Hm, I've often felt pretty comfortable around both men and women, but honestly I think I get along with most men better. I do have a few really great friends that are girls, but they're not 'girly' girls at all, so that may be why we get along so well ...
I tend to get along best with people who aren't overtly masculine or feminine, e.g. feminine guys and tomboyish girls.

Genderfluid seems like a pretty suitable label for me though! Thanks yaeli