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Gender Expression and Unsupportive Parents - Need Advice

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Kodo, Jun 23, 2015.

  1. Kodo

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    This is kind of a future-planning thing, but it's important I know ahead of time. When I come out to my parents as trans, they aren't going to be supportive.

    Should I insist on male gender expression as well as name/pronouns after I come out? I know it's going to be hard for them so I had considered just easing off after coming out. At least until I move out and go to college, which is in about 13 months.

    For starters, I already dress androgynously and as masculinely as possible considering I'm not allowed to wear boy's clothes. My hair is also super short, which my parents were initially resistant to but have recently allowed me virtual freedom with. Though there are some other problems that give me pretty bad dysphoria, that I'm worried they won't try to help me with... Like a binder.

    There is an LGBT center close to my home that I might be able to discreetly get a binder from, but I don't know if they do that? I've never stepped foot in one of those places so I have no idea what to expect...

    One of my biggest fears though, with coming out, is that my parents may decide to put more limitations on my gender expression. I don't want to disrespect them, but it's so hard for me to accept female expectations...
     
  2. Batman

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    Not trying to be a dick, but I think it's best if you don't come out. I understand the desire to be honest with people in your life but

    you would be putting yourself in a worse position by coming out. Waiting until you're not dependent on them guarantees you free reign of gender expression.
     
  3. randomconnorcon

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    As I haven't come out myself and I think at least some members of my family will be supportive, I can only tell you what I think could be an option.

    If you know they're going to be unsupportive, then insisting on names and pronouns will likely frustrate and upset you all. Pushing them into going against everything sounds really sucky. It seems like a pick your battles issue; there may be times when you can use your name and pronouns and times when leaving it might be best. I'm not saying any of this is for certain, I only know what I've read about them and may be competely off base.

    I would take it a day at a time and visit the LGBT center. They might be able to give you more advice and help with things you need/want. If your parents try to limit things they can only limit so much for so long and they can't ignore who you are because they'll probably be thinking about it themselves. Maybe work your way up to getting what you want, clothes wise, get a couple of things at a time and talk about them being comfortable and such. And just remember that one day you won't have to think about these.

    Hope any of this helps at all.
     
  4. Matto_Corvo

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    As mention earlier, if you think you would be in danger or restricted more I would wait in till you're independent or have a safe place set up to stay.
     
  5. Daydreamer1

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    I agree with everyone else. If you feel like your parents might react badly to you coming out or put you in a situation where you might be in danger, it's probably best to wait until you're independent and financially stable in the event something does happen.

    It seems like it will be a long time, but it will be worth it for the sake of your safety.
     
  6. Kasey

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    All I can say is I wish you the best because I've already rocked the boat and fell in the water myself... Sucks.
     
  7. Kodo

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    Thanks guys. Though the reason I've decided to come out is this:

    While yes, my parents will be unsupportive, it isn't dangerous. They love me deeply and would never hurt me. Also, they would not throw me out if I couldn't fend for myself yet, regardless of what I did. I know these for certain.

    I feel obligated to tell them though - it really needs to be done.

    "If you know they're going to be unsupportive, then insisting on names and pronouns will likely frustrate and upset you all. Pushing them into going against everything sounds really sucky. It seems like a pick your battles issue; there may be times when you can use your name and pronouns and times when leaving it might be best."

    Good point, Nathan. Thanks.
     
  8. Posthuman666

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    I agree. Im planning out my coming out and its a scary thing. I will insist on proper pronouns, but thats just me. You are you and the closet sucks.