So, I've recently began questioning my gender, but feeling really weird about it. I'm female, when talking about sex at least, and some days I'm comfortable in my body and dress like a girl and am fine with wearing makeup and doing things that I perceive as being the 'girl role'. But some days, (like today), I cringe anytime I notice my chest, or people use feminine pronouns, or even when I hear my voice and how high it is (even though I'm often told that my voice is low for a girl's). I recently cut my hair to a more gender neutral very short style, and that has made me feel more comfortable with myself. Even on days where I'm feeling more comfortable in my body, I find myself preferring to do things in what I perceive to be the 'boy role'. For example, I like to hold open doors and pull out chairs and when cuddling prefer the role of big spoon (even though I'm tiny and my boyfriend is much larger than I). Part of why this is bothering me so much is my boyfriend is strait- how can that work? Also, I recently found out that binders are a thing- and have been seriously considered getting one just to see if on days like today I would feel better about myself. I'm not even sure what my real question here is ( I just feel very confused in general) so I guess any advice in general would be nice.
Do you prefer the idea of being seen as male over the idea of being seen as female? How do you feel inside? Perhaps it is hard to say when you're just figuring yourself out and haven't experimented much. But these are questions to ask yourself. I can't tell you for sure whether you're trans, although you don't sound completely cis to me, but I can tell you that with time, how you want to identify and present will become clear. And don't be afraid to open up to people, especially while it's fresh in your mind. Don't declare anything, but let people know how you've been feeling. You'll be surprised by how many are willing to help. They might tell you that you are female, but that's likely because they aren't very acquainted with the idea of you as a man. But take time with them. Let them know. Hope that I could help, and please feel free to reply, even privately.
Nikinja, I guess what confuses me the most is it doesn't seem consistent for me. Some of the time I'm either okay with being feminine, or even emphasize the feminine parts of myself. Since I cut my hair I've found myself saying things like I need to wear dresses and makeup to prove I'm still a girl. Other times, and this seems to be more often but I don't really know, I don't really want to be seen as male, but I guess I just want to be less female. Sorry if that doesn't make sense and some of my family have actually asked me various forms of 'are you becoming a man now' which I think is what got me paying attention to how I'm feeling on questions of gender, because before recently even when I don't want to act/look 'like a girl' I've accepted that I am female I can just be masculine when I feel like it or wear boys clothes.
I sometimes encourage people to think of themselves as "spiritual beings", which are not their body, just in charge of it. So my comments sometimes challenge the self-hatred thing that people do quite often. (I'm guilty of it too, and I'm a hypocrite...:icon_bigg ) Why would you cringe at your chest, when instead you could cringe everyone else's chests and say to yourself, "they're all wrong and I'm right!" ? You see the entire world through the filter of your eyes and brain anyway, so why punish yourself when there's no real standard for what chest sizes should be like? lovin' it already! :icon_wink I would equate that to the dangers of self-medicating with alcohol. I'm only half-joking. A personal comparison that comes to mind is with contact lenses. I spent a lot of money on them for a few years. I was sensitive to some day-and-night differences in how people saw me and what they thought of me. The vanity was very alluring, but also a little weird. Strangers looked at me differently when I wasn't wearing glasses. After a while, the novelty began to wear off because the lenses were sometimes a bit uncomfortable. Eventually, I put my foot down and said to myself, "this is what I look like, I don't GAF. If someone doesn't like glasses, that's too f* bad." Your personal "look" with the binder might be an unrelated thing, but I'm just trying to help.
Wasgij, I can kinda see your point, but it's not the size of my chest that bothers me, it's the fact that I have breasts that bugs me some days (well the size is a factor, if I were an A I could probably ignore it but with the lovely F's I have sometimes I just want to cry) feel like it shouldn't be there, or I'll kinda forget I'm a girl and it's a brutal reminder. And yeah contact lenses are a total vanity thing, but I feel like a binder might make me feel more comfortable with my body, which I guess I don't see as a vanity thing
