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how the broken child became a prince

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by yaoicore, Jun 25, 2015.

  1. yaoicore

    yaoicore Guest

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    guy's I'm not going to send it to them on a text or a email I'll print it out cause I'm really a lazy prince dam that don't sound right but what ever:lol: it's kind a long sorry but enjoy


    once there was a sad and lonely broken child
    he sit in his chair in side of his room Isolated
    from the rest of the other kids some came over
    to invite the broken child over some stayed
    away since he was some thing that
    people call anti social the broken child
    parent's was getting worried that the
    broken child would never change
    they did not want that so they force the
    broken child to be a part of these thing's that
    little girls do because it was ''normal'' the broken child
    did not want too cause he was not like one of the
    girl's he was nothing but a broken boy a doll
    that can not be fit sad right the broken child try
    to be around other's but all he seen was
    kids that want it to be a part of the cool crew
    all the broken child want it is to be a part of
    the cis crew no matter how hard he tried he'd
    always will be nothing but a broken doll sad right
    once the broken boy enter high school the broken
    child part's was starting to break even more
    this broken child was scared if he kept falling
    apart it a be no more piece's as this started
    happening to the broken child people just start
    to miss treat the broken child call him stuff that
    just did not fit they was putting him in boxes
    that he did not belong in he felt out of place
    high school was a really scary time for the
    broken child he was started to realize that high
    school would soon be over and the broken
    child still did not fit in still felt like he did not
    belong but then there came collage the girls
    and nothing much change they got hotter the
    broken child started it to wish he was
    ''normal'' again even when he did try to date
    them it just made the broken child
    realize even more that he was in to guys
    the broken child roommate just though of him
    as a cute butch lesbian it was easy for this
    broken child to have a lover that is not what
    the broken boy truly want it the broken
    child hated it telling them no cause he just
    really want it to be ''normal'' and love them
    back but the heart want what the heart
    wants and the broken child had to be true
    he know what the heart want it he was
    Denying his feeling even more then one
    the broken child start looking for answers
    to his question's about his gender and he
    find out by the internet that he was not the
    only broken child so he join site's and
    got in to group's and community's he did
    not feel so alone the broken boy standing
    before you king and queen is to let you
    know that he been the closet in a doll box
    way to long he now a little broken but he
    just want you to see him as the prince that he is
    and his highness hope for you to understand this
    Chapter in his life and thank if you have any
    thing that you would like to ask of his highness
    don't be scared just ask away

    if you read this I really could use the feedback and I really would appreciate it and thank's(&&&)
     
  2. Kodo

    Full Member

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    Honestly, the grammar was very hard to get through. That said, I did revise it for you and put it into a legible format... so it would be easier for others to read.

    Once there was a sad and lonely broken child. He sat in his chair inside of his room, isolated from the rest of the other kids. Some came to invite the broken child over but some stayed away since he was something that people called antisocial. The broken child’s parents were getting worried that he would never change. They did not want that so they forced the broken child to be a part of these things that little girls do because it was “normal.” The broken child did not want to because he was not like one of the girls. He was nothing but a broken boy – a doll that cannot be fixed. Sad, right? The broken child tried to be around others but all the kids wanted to be a part of the cool grew. All the broken child wanted was to be a part of the cis-crew. No matter how hard he tried, he would always be nothing but a broken doll. Sad, right? Once the broken boy entered high school the broken child’s parts was starting to break even more. This broken child was scared that if he kept falling apart, there would be no more pieces left. As this started happening to the broken child, people just started mistreating him and calling him stuff that just did not fit. They were putting him in boxes that he did not belong in. He felt out of place.

    High school was a really scary time for the broken child. He was starting to realize that high school would soon be over and the broken child still did not fit in. It felt like he did not belong. Then there came college, nothing much changed but the girls got hotter and the broken child started to wish he was “normal” again. Even when he did try to date them it just made the broken child realize even more that he was into guys. The broken child’s roommate just thought of him as a cute butch lesbian. It was easy for this broken child to have a lover, but that is not what the broken boy truly wanted. He hated telling them no because he really just wanted to be “normal” and love them back but the heart wants what the heart wants. The broken child had to be true to what he knew his heart wanted.

    He was denying his feelings even more. Then one day, the broken child started looking for answers to his questions about his gender. He found out by the internet that he was not the only broken child so he joined sites and got in groups and communities. He did not feel so alone anymore. The broken boy standing before you, King and Queen, is to let you know that he has been hidden in the closet in the doll box way too long. Now he is a little broken but he just wants you to see him as the prince he is. He hopes that his Highness can understand this chapter in his life. If there is anything you would like to know, don’t be scared. Just ask away.


    It has an interesting writing style, much like a children's storybook. The theme of the broken child being "in the doll box too long" I really liked. Also the association with a prince. It sparked the imagination to think of the broken child almost like a toy soldier/prince forced to be a doll. The story may need a little work but it has great creative potential.

    My advice would be to choose a backdrop for your story - either a "real life" drama type or a fairy tale setting almost like the 1990 Disney film, "The Nutcracker Prince." This would help it to have a continuity through the story. You did a good job describing how the broken child felt, but try adding more story plot elements. Think of the acts in a story: introduction and background, conflict or problem, climax (the most tense or exciting part), and resolution (how the problems are solved).

    Good luck,
    -Rhys-
     
  3. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    I really liked it, yaoi!

    hugs
     
  4. yaoicore

    yaoicore Guest

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    thanks. and I just want it you to know that it's a draft I'm going to retype it in my online work shop so I could make it all fancy and stuff. I was going for a Disney theme thanks for noticing that.

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2015 at 07:22 PM ----------

    thanks for replying
     
    #4 yaoicore, Jun 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2015
  5. Open Arms

    Open Arms Guest

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    It made me sad that you thought of yourself as a broken doll, but I love the idea of you feeling like a prince now. It's a neat way to get your story across.

    I hope yao that you were not offended by Ender making your story easier to read. The time he took and the attention he gave to your journey is honestly one of the most kind, considerate and loving things I've ever seen anyone do on the internet for another person.
     
  6. CaillenJames

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    Thanks for the translation. It was a bit difficult to follow -_- I did try, but thank you for making it easier.

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2015 at 04:40 PM ----------

    It was a lovely story. I did enjoy reading it. There is a lot of great potential there and that's coming from an author.

    I liked your references. Comparing yourself to a broken toy being put into incorrect boxes-- it spoke volumes to the hardships you've had to endure. Feeling like you have to fit into groups and follow social norms, it's always hard isn't it? Feeling like you have to make your insides match your outsides or vice versa. I look forward to the day when people are accepted for what's in their hearts. I'm glad to see that the broken toy you felt yourself to be has flourished into a happy prince.

    I think after a bit more time and tweaking, this can be a very lovely, very touching, story. I hope to read your final draft.
     
    #6 CaillenJames, Jun 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2015
  7. yaoicore

    yaoicore Guest

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    I did ask for feedback, and I did have a lot of error's. that's why I should you guys first.

    ---------- Post added 25th Jun 2015 at 11:46 PM ----------

    I'm so sorry that the spelling/grammar was that bad. yes trying to be your self in a world that don't believe in acceptance is indeed hard. I have not even started it but I'm going to get this out of the way tonight I look forward to showing you it.
     
    #7 yaoicore, Jun 25, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2015
  8. yaoicore

    yaoicore Guest

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    my first time using one drive wish I would a put the title on the link
     

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  9. Posthuman666

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  10. yaoicore

    yaoicore Guest

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    thanks I like your poems