Right now, I feel like I am a self-unaccepting heterosexual-leaning male. And it makes me feel guilty. I identify so strongly with the female gender that feeling this way presents its own unique form of dysphoria. I like girls a lot, and I often feel like I'll never find one who has the same feelings for me. I feel sometimes like I should give up being female for the sake of a lover, but then I feel female again, and it's really hard. I masturbate a lot, and I feel like I'm hiding. I feel like this is a mixture of a gender and sexuality issue, one that hasn't been resolved since early middle school, and I graduated high school on Monday (yay me). I don't know who I am, and I know that I keep posting, but I just want to be seen as one of them. One of the girls I love. I'm not some foreign threat. And it's proven more so when I act femininely, which happens at various times. I can sometimes even choose my gender identity to an extent. I identify mostly as a genderfluid woman, but sometimes that feels like a lie to conceal my desires to be with a woman who doesn't see me as weird or as a threat. I just want to be accepted, and I just want to be loved, fully, as I love her. (Yikes, I might not be as pansexual as I thought. Though I think that some guys are hot. And I'm okay with feeling that as a girl or as a guy. I just feel like a freak when I'm not one of the girls, and it really annoys me and embarrasses me. And sometimes I just lose control of myself and get really aggressive... not angry, but brash, like an extra-macho jock who can't understand basic human communication.) I fear that I'm not trans, and I fear that I'm not a lesbian. Because if I'm queer, my freakishness will have an identity, and if I'm a girl, girls will like me. But then again, most girls like guys in that way... it's all tied up. And I fear that you're all going to be ashamed at me because you see me as a struggling heterosexual male, but that's not even the full story. I am a woman at times. I really am. And I like that part of myself. I even like my male side. And at times I wish that it would just go away. I just wish that I were less awkward, and that I could stop being a horny mess all the time. And in varying amounts, I wish that I had curves, grace, and acceptance from girls. I hope that I don't come across as selfish or vain... I just want to know myself even better than I already do, and I don't want to be dishonest with people, myself included. (PS: Perhaps I should post this in the Sexuality forum too... it's kind of a post that transcends both forums. I'll do that. Let's see what answers I get from both forums.)
