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The mask that we wear

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Eveline, Jun 27, 2015.

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  1. Eveline

    Eveline
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    Do you ever feel like you are living in a dream, something beautiful and eventually you will wake up to the grim reality of having to live your life as you are now? I don't want to wake up, I want to be the girl that I identify as. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see kindness and softness in my face and then the illusion is broken and I see my male features and I don't feel the same way anymore. I know that men can be kind and soft, that they can be who I want to be. However, somehow it still wouldn't be me. I would still be wearing a mask.

    This is so hard to cope with. Trying to explain to others why you need to change your body. Why you can't just change your life around. How you feel so lost and alone inside this shell that others call your body. It's so hard to realize that others don't really see the person beyond the veil. They can only see the mask that you've put on to protect yourself and hear the words that you force yourself to say in a voice that is not really your own.
     
    #1 Eveline, Jun 27, 2015
  2. Posthuman666

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    Sister, you just completely explained the pain dysphoria causes. I hate wearing the mask that Im forced to wear. I know Im a girl and not having the body to reflect it, its like wearing a costume all the time. Its not who I really am.

    I hate looking in the mirror, because Ill feel good about my feminine features and then my eyebrows will come in. Or my jawline. It just breaks up the feeling of happiness and femininity that I need.

    If you ever need to talk,Im always available.
     
    #2 Posthuman666, Jun 27, 2015
  3. Natasha Elyssa

    Natasha Elyssa
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    I feel the same way. "You hit the nail on the head" as they say. ^♡^ <3
     
    #3 Natasha Elyssa, Jun 27, 2015
  4. Anastaisa_Lynn_14

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    i completely agree, i just came out to my mom last week and she said to me, "well why cant you just pretend for four more years? its not like it will kill you or anything" so i had to explain to her that every day i come one inch closer to suicide. and thatbeing transgender isnt a choice and that i was born with it but she dosent understand that being hairy and having a beard and a deep voice, and having the extra thing inbetween my legs are the thing in life that are making me unhappy
     
    #4 Anastaisa_Lynn_14, Jun 27, 2015
  5. Acm

    Acm Guest

    I've never thought about it like that before...that explains a lot really.
     
    #5 Acm, Jun 27, 2015
  6. Posthuman666

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    I feel you sister. If you ever need to talk, Im always open (*hug*)
     
    #6 Posthuman666, Jun 27, 2015
  7. Invidia

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    It sucks to have someone say "Why can't you just accept your body the way it is?" I hate that fucking question. I should just say "Because I would literally rather kill myself, that's why."

    Also, I partially feel like that... only even my dreams aren't beautiful anymore, just slightly less ugly than reality...

    When your dreams all fail...
    I want to shelter you
    But with the beast inside
    There's nowhere we can hide
     
    #7 Invidia, Jun 28, 2015
  8. Winter Maiden

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    Thank you so much for putting this pain that I and many other trans women experience. (*hug*)
     
    #8 Winter Maiden, Jun 28, 2015
  9. Suspector

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    Mask?

    I never understood this aspect of trans. Why can't one feel like a woman in the inside, and be okay with being a man on the outside? That is how you were born right? Just like we are born, gay or straight. It is all about accepting who you are, at this time right? When I think of people wanting to change bodies because they don't accept who they really are, I think plastic surgery, similar to getting big boobs, or a more firm ass, or face surgery, etc. just to fulfill this illusion of beauty that we've created in our fantasy.
     
    #9 Suspector, Jun 28, 2015
  10. sheenak

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    It doesn't seem unreasonable to want the body to be in line with the mind.Also I'm a woman and I want society to see me as one . Would you be comfortable walking down the street and have everybody assume you're a girl ?, probably not. I could be way off here but I think most trans people want to go through life without standing out,more so then many gay people.Just my 2 cts.
     
    #10 sheenak, Jun 28, 2015
  11. Matto_Corvo

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    People wanting big boobs aren't actually in physical pain though. They do it for beauty, trans do if to escape the pain. I think of being trans as having an auto immune disease. The body is getting mixed signals and thus attacking itself. To fix this for trans people you have to alter the body. It stops the pain and mental well being improves. This person can move forward with their life not having to worry that that constant pain will strike them down.
    Most trans people have tries to live with what they were Bron with, tried to be a man with an inner woman as uoi put it. But it dosen't work that way. Saying trans people want to change due to beauty is flawed logic. No one goes through being judged and hated, surgeries and risk of death because they choose to. They have to. Because who they were born was a woman, but society says that they are male. To male society see who they are truely are they must become woman in a physical way, because all society cares about is the physical.
     
    #11 Matto_Corvo, Jun 28, 2015
  12. Eveline

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    Before you read this, please be aware that it might cause severe dysphoria as it is very explicit...

    Imagine if you woke up tomorrow and you found yourself in a female body, when you speak you hear a female voice and every movement that you take is distinctly female as it takes into consideration your new proportions. Nothing had changed about you except your body. You walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror and see a reflection of a woman. You instinctively try go pull off the mask but you can't, you wash your face and stand up by the toilet and start peeing, it trickles down your leg and you remember that your private parts are different. You put on some jeans and a shirt and find it weird because of your breasts and nothing holding them in place. Every step you take, your breasts jump from side to side, so you go back to your room and fumble around with a bras until you figure out how to put it on.

    When you leave the house, everyone around you treat you as a woman. If you don't wear makeup people comment about it. People randomly throw a sexual innuendo at you because you looked at them. When you don't respond people remark rudely. If you tell anyone that you are really man they tell you to prove it, so you try first of all explain that you like sports, that you feel more comfortable in men's clothes without the bras pressing on your body. Their reply is usually saying that you are just a tomboy and not to worry about it. So you try to explain it differently, you say that you feel like a man deep inside, that you are a man and identify as one - they again tell you to prove it and you realize that you simply can't, your body is that of a woman, your voice sounds like a woman, you are trapped in this body and have nothing you can do about it...

    So you reluctantly accept that you are a woman, however, every time you look down you expect to see a penis and not breasts. You are still forced to spend an hour in front of the mirror putting on makeup because whenever you don't someone comments about it rudely. You try to put on just the right amount so that men will just leave you alone. You start feeling unsafe walking around at night, as suddenly rape becomes something very real and frightening. Once a month you start bleeding and you realize that you need to wear tampons and you go through severe mood swings during that time. In general, your emotions are much more powerful, when you cry, you feel as if you can't stop, it just hits you in waves and you feel helpless to control it.

    Eventually, you start feeling disgust with this body and life, you are constantly reminded that you are not a man as you see them everywhere. Your body becomes a source of discomfort for you and you start to fantasize about how easy it could be to cut off your breasts. The only way to cope is to disconnect, to just do everything automatically and not think about it because every time you do, it becomes painful. You feel sick and as if you want to tear at your skin.

    Eventually you learn that you can take away the pain, be able to become male again but it would mean going through a very hard process of transitioning. You will need to take medications for the rest of your life, you might hurt your family or lose them and you will have to go through a major and dangerous operations. You don't even know if you will be able to pass as a man because you are too short, everyone around you knows you as a woman and your private parts might not be perfect. However, you will still be able to feel like a man, never wear makeup again, dress as you want to and be in a gay relationship with another man. People will mostly also treat you as a man again. You would also stop feeling the pain and disgust that you feel whenever you stare at your body, you will be able to look into the mirror and see your own reflection and feel truly alive for the first time in a long long time...
     
    #12 Eveline, Jun 28, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2015
  13. Thessa Blossom

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    As CadutiMorte already wrote, it's not about beauty. My wife told me when I came out to her, "You know, you will not look like Marilyn." And she is right, but this is not what I long for. For the long run I just want to be myself and life a quite and happy life. I can't remember that I was ever really happy in my life and now I think I know why. Because it was not my life, it was a fake life I kept up for others.

    To paint a more drastic picture - just saw Midsummer night's dream - try do imagine that you are in a donkeys body but you know deep inside you are human but everyone around you keeps telling you you are a donkey and treat you a such.
    Wouldn't that be a miserable life you would wish for to end in one way or the other.
    But then you learn that there is a way to change that, Oberon (modern medicine) can lift the spell and you will shift gradually from donkey to human. You might not look like the best looking examples of the species, but you don't care, the only thing that counts is, finally they see the human being you've always been and treat you as such and this is all you wanted for your whole life.

    I hope that I haven't hurt anyone's feelings, this ist just the best analogy that came to my mind right now.
     
    #13 Thessa Blossom, Jun 28, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2015
  14. Invidia

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    Suspektor, never post such offensive material ever again.
     
    #14 Invidia, Jun 28, 2015
  15. Thessa Blossom

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    Yaeli, thank you so much for the excellent expression of our feelings. (*hug*)
     
    #15 Thessa Blossom, Jun 28, 2015
  16. Matto_Corvo

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    Sorry, I know this will probably sound rude

    Bbuuttt

    What you are pretty much saying would sound like this in regard to sexuality:

    "Your gay, its great that you've accepted yourself. Now that you have accepted yourself you can contuine on with a heterosexual relationship."
     
    #16 Matto_Corvo, Jun 28, 2015
  17. Invidia

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    Yep. This exactly. It's not okay to expect trans people to just accept their fate when their fate causes enough pain to equate to 1/2 ish transgenders attempting suicide (US statistical study).
     
    #17 Invidia, Jun 28, 2015
  18. Eveline

    Eveline
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    It's so nice to know that my words resonated with so many here. I'm sorry that the discussion took on such a dark and painful turn over the last few posts. Suspector's comment really highlights how hard it can be to explain to people what we are going through. No matter how powerful our words are, how close to the heart they come from. The words won't be able to penetrate the minds of those unwilling to listen and who don't really want to understand... :confused:
     
    #18 Eveline, Jun 28, 2015
  19. The Purple One3

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    Sorry if I may come off as a little aggressive, I don't want this to be aimed at anyone either, I just am speaking my mind.

    First of all, you can never truly understand why or what its like being a transgender unless you are one.

    Second, transitioning is not just about surgeries. You don't even have to get a single surgery if you don't want to. I most likely will get gender reassignment surgery, but otherwise I'll either have voice therapy, HRT, laser hair removal (is that a surgery? XD sorry if it is). Just those general things to make my body comfortably match who I am on the inside. Even then, some transgenders don't even do gender reassignment surgery. The most important thing is just getting comfortable with your body.
     
    #19 The Purple One3, Jun 28, 2015
  20. Confused239

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    I hate my mask i wear, i dont hate my life but ive never really felt comfortable in my body.
     
    #20 Confused239, Jun 28, 2015
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