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So tired. Of lots of things.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by ATtappman, Jun 30, 2015.

  1. ATtappman

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    I'm sorry if this post makes no sense - I'm just really tired and kind of fed up with society and myself and blaaaa.....

    I'm having a really hard time with all this GD QUESTUONING. I think I have my sexuality figured out. It's still hard to cope sometimes, but I pretty much have a handle on it. NOW I'm questioning my gender.

    I'm totally fine with having a vagina - it gives me an awesoem opportunity to jump on the feminism bandwagon lol. And sometimes I feel feminine (at least in my world view, speech, etc.). But... I love wearing boys' clothes so much. And I love feeling like "one of the guys" when I'm with my female friends. I just... I think i might be genderfluid or non-binary or something.

    I'm afraid to admit it to myself. And I'm also afraid to question too seriously, because I JUST got through a really hellish period with questioning my sexuality and I'd prefer not to do it again. And I.... Gah. What if I'm wrong? What if it's "just a phase" or something (I know it's not but still)? What if I come out as genderdluid and nobody understands? It'll just make everything so much harder... And it'll be so unfamiliar. And I just feel like I don't know myself anymore.

    Anyway... I just needed to talk to other people who understand/ have been through it/ don't know me. Sorry... I guess....
     
  2. jewell

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    For me i think when i started thinking about my gender i became more confident in my sexuality. So that was at least nice. im pretty sure im the opposite side of what you are thinking about. its a big thing i cant offer you much good advice since im still thinking but id like to be your friend. I'm new and don't have any yet and wanna talk about the same things. considering whether i'm trans im ok with having a penis girly sometimes androgynous others. I relate to girls way way more than guys but im sexually atracted to girls. Is that something like it?
     
    #2 jewell, Jun 30, 2015
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2015
  3. ATtappman

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    Exactly. Thank you so much. ~ it's weird because I know I'm fine with my genetalia 'n whatnot, it's just that I'm SO much happier mentally, socially, and physically when I'm acting and looking more like a dude. Socially sometimes though I'll have moments where the way I'm acting or how I'm speaking is feminine, which doesn't necessarily feel BAD or particularly wrong, as long as I still look like a guy. Gah! - why does this have to be so complicated?? Lol (sorta)... - feel free to message me any time. I'd love to chat about stuff.
     
  4. hazeleyes

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    I have been feeling mostly the same for the past few months, although I am still questioning my orientation, sometimes I feel like I dont really have one. And I think that has been what has been actually making it worse for me because now I am questioning if I may be gender fluid too.

    Growing up I was forced to wear the dresses and the girly outfits but I was always more of tomboy. By the time I hit high school I hated all things girly, I didnt even like the idea I had breasts and would wear huge hoodie jackets to cover them up, and always wanted to feel like one of the guys. It was around my sophomore year that I started questioning if I was bi or lesbian. But after I graduated I started getting in touch with my more feminine side, and would start doing my hair and makeup, and i felt really confident. But now it seems like in the last few years there are days I wake up and feel more boyish and others I wake up and feel girly, most of the time it is an in between state, but I have noticed it progressing too to where now there are days I look in the mirror and again hate I have breasts and wish I did have a penis, but then sometimes it is the opposite and I wake up feeling everything is how it should be. And I feel that is what is screwing up with my sexuality too because some days I feel like I could be gay, others straight, and some days I feel like I just dont have an orientation.

    And believe me there have been times I have wondered if this is "just a phase" too but i figure if the feelings you are having havent dissappeared within a couple months... it isn't.

    I hope you get the answers and help you need to figure everything out. I'm hoping the same thing for myself.
     
  5. ThroughTheMist

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    I feel a lot like you do - I'm fine with my genitalia (but not my chest), but I feel more comfortable and confident when I act and look more like a guy. Maybe this is why I always got along so well with guys. I want to live as my most authentic self, but I'm terrified that I might be wrong about what that looks like.
     
  6. ATtappman

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    I don't have any words to express exactly how I feel at this moment, but that statement rings so true for me. it just... resonates. I just want to be happy and ultra-comfortable with myself and my gender, but it still fluctuates from day to day and is almost impossible to pin down (even though I mostly lean towards the middle of the spectrum).

    The other thing is that I'm just worried how it will be perceived if I come out as non-binary or genderfluid or genderqueer or WHATEVER... It's just so not a mainstream concept, and I feel like people won't understand at all. Also, pronouns; my preferences on this change often. sometimes, "she" feels just fine and right, but I also really want some "he"s thrown in there... I just don't know how frequently or by whom or just... argh. And THAT wouldn't be understood by people either... And I just could never... I can't. I don't know. This just all feels too big and overwhelming right now so I'm gonna quit while I'm ahead.

    Thank you all so much for posting here. it means the world to me to know there are people out there having the same issues (lol I know that's stupid and corny but it's how I feel so whatever).
     
  7. jewell

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    Hey I tried to send you a pm but it wont let us till maybe were full members so here is the "private message"

    Hello kind sir to meet you how was your day? I splurged today on skin care stuff for making my face softer. did you get to do anything kinda manly that you enjoyed today? I'm really lucky to work in a girls clothing store for being around it. but it also drives me crazy because I have to think about it all day long. Whats your hobbies do you play any music or what shows do you like?

    Edit: we need to get 40 posts to use chat or messages it seems
     
    #7 jewell, Jul 1, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 1, 2015
  8. ATtappman

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    Huh. Well, I'll work hard on posting lol

    About me: I play the trombone (since I was 8) in band, and I'm also really into music in general. Old stuff mostly - Simon and Garfunkel, David Bowie, The Beatles, James Taylor etc. I'm completely addicted to music lol. I also love writing and drawing... Anything artsy, I'm pretty much down with. ;D TV... Hmm, that's a tough one... The Office, definitely... 30 Rock.... House MD... I mostly just watch old episodes of stuff on Netflix (cuz I'm just lame like that XD).

    I think I'm finally ready to tell my mom that I want to get rid of all my girls' clothes... I'll probably keep some jeans and maybe a shirt or two for the feminine days, but I want to wear men's clothes full time, I think. It just makes everything so much easier and more comfortable... Like, weidly, I feel okay being a little more feminine if I look masculine. Does that make sense? So that'll be an interesting talk... I know she'll be supportive, but it'll still be weird.

    I looked at your profile (doesn't that just sound so creepy? XD) - so cool that you're into sculpting, art, etc. I was always kind of terrible at 3D mediums... Lol

    - congrats on the face stuff - that's awesome. :wink: hope you're having fun with it.
     
  9. jewell

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    I use to play the trombone as well haha. when I was in band they didn't let you chose your instrument they gave you a test and said play this based on the results.
    That does make sense its hard work to do stuff everyday especially shaving. I actually tried to wax my legs tonight along with doing the face stuff. waxing the legs was insane and pretty unpleasant the face stuff feels good.
    nah thats not creepy i looked at yours too when you added me.
    Clay is really really fun and pretty recyclable cause its just mud. if it dries out add water if you mess up just turn it into a ball and start over. I love it im trying to start a business selling my own art and other artists.
     
  10. ATtappman

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    Huh. Yeah, I picked trombone because it was big and loud (#NineYearOldLogic), but it actually suits me really well. I'm pretty in love with it... :slight_smile: - it's funny; most of the people I'm friends with in band I've known since they started playing, and everyone totally picked their instrument based on their personaliy, whether they meant to or not. It's hilarious.

    Yeah, waxing totally bites. No idea who came up with it (or what they were on), but it's just the worst... XD

    - that's so awesome. Art used to be like, my "one thing" but a few months ago I stopped doing it really suddenly so now I'm kinda in a weird place about it... But I really enjoy hearing about other people's art experience. It's so awesome to hear about people putting themselves out there.