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Freaking Out

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Posthuman666, Jul 3, 2015.

  1. Posthuman666

    Full Member

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    So tomorrow is the fourth of july, and my mom signed me up to work the boy scout section of our local parade. Which I did not agree to at all. I am quitting boy scouts as soon as I come out, but Im not out yet!

    It hurts a lot and the dysphoria is too much. I feel like I'm posing a danger to myself. I can't do it any longer. I can't be the little boy they thought they had. I need to be the girl I am.

    Boy Scouts gives me unbearable dysphoria. The whole time I just hate myself. It is too much of a risk. I am putting myself at risk to hurt myself. I don't want to get relapse on self-harm. I can't. But I don't know how else too cope with suicidal thoughts. I sit here crying, all because I haven't told my family yet, but I need to. I am going to in the next days but I can't take it anymore. I was going to come out in like three days once my friends leave, but tomorrow is the fucking parade.

    I am so scared. I don't want to be this way anymore. I would castrate myself if it would make an inkling of a difference. I just need to be free. To rip off these chains that lock my soul in the fuck-up that is my body. Once I have escaped, then maybe I can feel better.

    All I know is that I have until tomorrow morning until hell breaks loose again. Until depression returns in the crooked waves it comes in.

    I want help. I just want to be happy again. I just want to be seen as a girl. If I get called 'him' one more time I'm going to lose it.

    Why I am writing this here, I don't know. I just need support I guess. I just need to know that someone else knows I am a girl.
     
  2. RoseLalonde

    Regular Member

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    I'm really sorry for what you are going through and I know it's hard. You just have to hang on a little longer. Perhaps you could tell your mom you are sick. You must have some really good fake symptoms though. Please stay strong, hurting yourself is not the answer. It may help at first but it eventually makes everything worse. I apologize for not having much advice, but I hope everything works out. Stay strong <3
     
  3. yaoicore

    yaoicore Guest

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    tell them already
     
  4. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Please, if you feel like you are at actual risk of hurting yourself, see if there is a way around going there. Also, if you were to feel like that, call a hotline instead of hurting yourself.

    All of us here know you're a girl. I know how much it hurts to have people assume you're male. But remember, with time, you don't only have a chance of it getting better, it's a virtual certainty that it will get better, with HRT etc. etc.

    Please take care of yourself and please don't hurt yourself.

    hugs