I'm starting to lose my conviction when it comes to whether I am really transgender or not. I thought I was, but recently I've starting thinking that I might just have a very negative view of men, maleness, and masculine gender roles, and an idealized view of women, womanhood, and feminine gender roles. I've never really related to men on any level, have experienced a wide range of cruelty at the hands of men, and I've always hated adhering to any of the male gender roles. On the other hand all of my close friends throughout life have been women, whenever I've needed emotional support I've only ever found it in women, and I feel more comfortable with female gender roles. I'm a 290lb male-bodied individual, and I'm not entirely sure if my dysphoria/dysmorphia comes from a place of "I want to be a woman" or just of "I don't want to be me". I've always felt fat and hated my body because of it, although looking back at pictures of myself I see that I was actually in decent shape. So I'm not sure if I want to be a woman because that would be something wholly different from what I am or if it's a genuine disconnect gender and sex. Then again I hated myself before, which made me depressed, which led to my weight gain, which perpetuated my self hate so maybe I have the cause and effect wrong. Then again maybe these doubts are just a manifestation of my fear of being transgender, a desperate attempt by my subconscious to hold on to any shred of evidence that would suggest I am just a fucked up man, and not a transwoman. Any advice on how to resolve this conflict?
