Am I really ftm? Or just creating problems for myself

Truthfully, you sound closer to being genderfluid with a stronger male side. The seeming lack of any serious gender dysphoria and your relative contentment with being female make it less likely that you are a trans male, there is also something very clean, technical and clear about your writing that feels distinctly neutral to me. Being genderfluid does not mean that you can't transition, it mainly means that you have the choice to not fully transition and still live a full and relatively happy life. Also transitioning half way is a much more viable option. For example just removing your breasts, dressing as a male, asking others to use male pronouns or taking hormones instead of all of them.

 

I agree with Yaeli, she's offered very valuable advice, and for people like you and I who don't seem to fit into any really well established gender identity, it can be confusing and we can sometimes dismiss it because we are not fully trans in the sense that we feel dysphoria with our female assignment at birth. You do seem to be more gender fluid with an emphasis on your male gender identity. I am in a similar situation, I identify as gender fluid myself with a strong emphasis on male gender identity, however my female and male sides seem to coexist relatively peacefully, however if I express my feminine side exclusively for too long, the masculine side forces its way out of me through physical changes such as cross dressing or changes to personal appearance such as drastic hair changes, etc. I also experience desires to have a male body and to experience certain situations with a male body, and during those times I experience gender dysphoria, however because I do not generally have gender dysphoria as a female it becomes gender fluid at that point. A solution I've found for myself is to physically express myself more as androgyne. I don't mind if people use feminine pronouns to describe me, however if people have to stop, do a double take and ask themselves if I'm a male or a female, I will feel satisfied in knowing that I'm expressing myself perfectly.

It's a pleasure to encounter another person with this situation. I wish you luck and happy exploring your gender identity~

 

I agree with Yaeli, you sound gender fluid with a strong male side.

I am the same way though I have decided to fully transition to male. I love seeing my body as male and the female sight of me is starting to bother me. When in have a female day I usually find a way to express it through clothing or video games these days, but those days are becoming rarer.

Enje I love your sig

 

First, let me say you have great vocabulary and prose. If you wanted to post the full version of your post I wouldn’t mind reading it in the slightest.
You seem like a smart cookie, and your doubts regarding masculinity stood out to me as something I’ve debated within myself regarding femininity.
You doubt the legitimacy of your gender-queer (GQ) status, offering alternate hypotheses for your masculine behaviors and inclinations in the forms of “an excuse for personal shortcomings,” or “extend[ing] from some personal incapability to deal with societal misogyny.” You’re describing some sorts of psychological complexes as competing explanations with being GQ.
The corresponding questions/hypotheses I ask myself are: "Did I start to fantasize about being female because I was dissatisfied with who I was as a man?" "Did I start because the social role of being female seemed simpler to me, or gave me more confidence than a male role?" "Did a few fantasies get out of hand and I am now confusing them for identity?" But, ultimately, "Did I snowball an infatuation for being female from a few, non-GQ reasons?" is the real question I ask myself through any of these others. After much deliberation between the hypotheses and the GQ alternative I realized that these alternate hypotheses of mine are rooted in two personal self-doubts: I do not trust my own feelings, and I do not trust my fantasies to be indicators of my desires. Rather than trust my feelings or my fantasies I am searching for a rational explanation for them, describing them as psychological sand-to-pearls through self-psychoanalysis. And furthermore, I realize that I allow myself to entertain these alternate hypotheses because I am willing to believe that I am crazy--crazy enough to "cook up" a longstanding internal conflict. Or in other words; that I am as ready to accept a rational explanation for my behavior that relies upon me being too irrational to distinguish real from false thoughts as I am ready to accept my irrational impulses and attractions regarding femininity as a gender identity. It’s a scary amount of self-doubt when I put it to myself that way.
Maybe you can also identify what key doubts or pieces of information lend you towards entertaining those complex-explanations when you soul-search. When taking both sides of a debate like this I find it’s important to be fair in my reductionisms and analyses; I have to be ready to search for the kernels that lend me to both disposition and explanation. To be honest, you sound quite sure that you are GQ, "[I've] known from a very young age," "dressed androgynously my whole life," "despise being talked-to as a female," and "I still overwhelmingly desire to be male," communicate that clearly to me. Exactly what kind of GQ is something you’ll need to search through gender.wikia.com for, but, in the meantime, genderfluid is a good catch-all. If you don’t truly feel incongruous with your female body I would advise against transitioning fully: it can be a hit-or-miss deal and is difficult from what I’ve read and heard. If you’re already taken for a man occasionally, HRT and a committal to crossdressing might be enough to give you the social interactions you desire. Check out /r/transpassing on reddit, it may give you idea of what you can achieve.

 

In short, I have this overwhelming desire to be male, to the point it is all I can think about.

When I was in high school I suffered bad dysphoria but at the time I didn't know what that was. I somehow manages to cope though and it all kind of went to the back of my head where it would pop up every once and a while but only briefly. There have only been three times in my life where I have actively questioned my gender. When I was 14 and first learned what transgender was. At the time my gut instinct was 'that's me!' But when thinking about it I didn't fit the trans narrative I heard. I didn't know since a kid, and I was sure everyone wanted a hysto and hated boobs.
I questioned again when I was 15-17 when my body made me so depressed that I wanted to die. I wanted my boobs gone and down below always felt wrong to me. But back then I thought trans people just magically KNEW they were trans. I had no idea what dysphoria was. I chalked it down to fat issues and being less than social. I forced myself to be more feminine and I numbed myself to my body. Of course my idea being feminine still left me looking very gender nuertal in the clothes department.
Then now. Took me loosing weight and cutting my hair to see the man I could be. For the first time in a long time I loved myself. I really really love looking like a guy, and I really want to be one. Going back to being female is so distressing to me.
I have decide to trust my instinct that I am trans. I know that if I don't I will contuine to question my gender through my life till I transition. It is hard to imagine a life where I am not male. Even when I feel female and gender neutral I just want to be male.