I know, that I am a girl. It resonates with every fiber in my being. I hate the unwanted weight between my legs, the absence of breasts, the hair that sprouts everywhere, being called "him" and "dude". I don't get it. Why the gods made me in this body, I don't know. It is a strange thing, dysphoria. I see a female in the mirror, through a cloudy mist, I see myself. I can feel my soul struggling to break free of this body. That is dysphoria to me. Wearing a costume all the time gets aggravating. I am a girl, a lady, a woman, a female. Then why do I keep feeling so unattached? So separate from who I am? Is it because I'm not out? Because I'm forced to pretend I'm a guy? Or is it because I'm not transgender? That I'm making all this shit up? But I am a girl. I should have a vagina and breasts. I know I should. But why am I feeling like this? I am transgender. I am a female. All I want is to wear a dress, and makeup and skirts and a cute blouse. But there is this thought, some inkling in the back of my mind. It had to be implanted from my Catholic upbringing. That I am a freak. That Im a monster. But I am human. I am a person, just like everyone else, and I know that. But why do I feel like I'm wrong? I feel like I'm in one place, and the rest of society is in another. I feel like I'm lying to myself, but dammit, I know. I am NOT lying. I am a girl. I am a fucking female, and my body just doesn't reflect that. Why do I feel like I'm lying. I heard my aunts talking about Caitlyn Jenner and always referred to her as a man. One of them went to go on on how she knew a trans girl in high school, and always called her a man. I almost outed myself on accident. I just talked and pretended all the trans facts I know are from random research. It broke my heart. If these relatives are so transphobic, how are my parents going to act? I'm a girl. I know that. But why do I feel so bad? I almost never feel masculine,and when I do it's in very small amounts, but am non-binary in a gender queer sense. My gender is outside the binary, but still female. I am a girl, but I am doubting my inner femininity. I don't know if I can pull of the female mannerisms and appearance and it's hurting my overall self esteem. I am a girl. I am a girl. I am a girl. But why do I feel so bad?
I would like to know the answer to you last question as well! What you describe are exactly the feelings I'm struggling again recently. My head is spinning the whole time and then I remembered on of my childhood books Little I am me a few days ago. After thinking about it for some time I knew again I am a woman and I know it because I define myself as one and I can feel it from my core regardless of what others think and say about the definition of womanhood. But then again I start questioning myself, is it real? Am I just a mentally ill totally FUBAR guy? I look like a dude from head to toe and how could I ever live my life as a woman accepted by all the people that are important to me? I feel you sister. Let's stand strong together! (&&&) ---------- Post added 6th Jul 2015 at 09:39 AM ---------- A quote from the linked page: Childhood and adolescence is full of little (or even big) identity crisis. Sometimes it is important to be reminded that everyone is unique and perfect the way he is and that it should be respected the way it is.
Hey, it is nothing to feel bad about. You likely feel bad because of how you feel others will perceive you or the fear that you may be delusional of the situation based on the structure of social reality that has been ingrained into your mind throughout life. But you already touched on all of that in your post. So I think you know why you feel bad, you just have not yet come to enough of a balance and comfort within yourself to shed those negative feelings and accept your reality for what it is and not what you think other's believe it should be. You are not lying. You just do not have a good outlet for expressing the truth of your inner self in a safe and healthy way. Sounds to me like you are a girl. A girl in a male's body. I am also a girl and also have a male's body, and the thoughts expressed in your posts were often very similar to my own during the times in my life when I was not actively ignoring and submerging this reality even from myself. "Something is wrong. so wrong. i am a girl i am a girl. what is this body i am in? I am a girl. but i am a boy? this is not right. what is wrong with me? what is going on? this is not right. this is not right." And it is not right, but it can be okay. The balance must be found between your conflicting inner and outer forms. This is where I am now, trying to balance. It is hard, and the scale is still wavering, but slowly it is calming. It can be better and it can be okay. Our bodies are just vessels for our souls, like cars, just a form of matter to get us through this world and existence. We have female souls that were 'meant' for female forms (whatever 'meant' even might really mean...). For whatever reason this did not happen for us, and we ended up in the wrong car. The car still runs fine and gets us where we are going... but is not as comfortable as we would like, and it is not what we would have chosen. Long ago I came to the acceptance that I never was going to be a female physically and slowly came to an acceptance and even a attachment to my male form. I would still prefer female, I still long for female, I still am female- but I am okay and comfortable enough with what my body is....... usually.... the dysphoria is always there, and can still hit hard at times, honestly. Just recently I have begun to come to terms and understanding of the woman in me that has been ignored and submerged. That no, I am not lying to myself, or just exhibiting weird coping mechanisms or fantasies, as I had always assumed and convinced myself. No, this is real, and while it is 'not right' it is also not wrong, just an unfortunate mix up that must be dealt with. I cannot say how those close to you would react. I do not think that is a point with which you need to deal right now. Be calm about it and look to yourself, really look into what is what within you, accept you for what you are. You are not lying. You are not wrong. You are not a freak. You are human, like any other human. But you already said all of that. You just need to listen to yourself without the second guessing from societal fears.
You feel bad because of body/mind/social dysphoria, and society isn't exactly helping. I created a thread asking about mind dysphoria. You might find it relevant to your interests: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/173042-what-mind-dysphoria.html Your brain expects a female body, and the confusion leaves you feeling disconnected. I think the negative environment increases doubt you feel about being female. Anyway, I would be more surprised if you never experienced doubt about this. It sucks that your parents don't seem likely to understand what you're going through. You feel like a freak. Rationally, you know that is bullshit. You must unlearn those lies that people crammed into your head. Unlearning stuff can be quite an individualised process. Personally, I find it healing to listen to Black Metal. I even find it therapeutic when I draw magical symbols. I know you're an artist, so you probably relate! You're stronger than you might think you are, and you don't deserve that torment.
