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Hate how I look, in recovery, feeling depressed

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by RachelPaige80, Jul 6, 2015.

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  1. RachelPaige80

    RachelPaige80
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Kent
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm 34, a professional and business owner, married, have a beautiful baby boy. In 2014 I went out looking for trans fun and friends and instead found meth. I met a quite a few of trans women had their own jobs(not out) or the ones that were out were hooking for a living but all of them using meth. I got into this group/ scene used for 10 months daily. At one point in time I was ready to leave everything behind, transition and hook for a living( the drugs helped me think I had to do it this way). I finally went to rehab for 3 months, got out beginning of March. I pretty much was outed by my staff right before I went rehab they looked for drugs in my office and found girl stuff instead. Well now in recovery I feel like a "dry drunk" for those of you who know that term. I'm tackling my recovery, transition?, business. I'm growing out my hair, plucking my eyebrows, shaving all these thing my wife is fine with so far. But I feel like I look like a guy with long hair or girl with short hair. I feel like I can't control my hair. I hate it and I feel stupid like why am I doing this? Why do I feel like this? If I transition will this be better for my recovery? Was I using meth to cover these feelings? Meth really messed my relationships up and the really messed up part is I miss all the fun associated with it. I didn't have a chemical dependency till I was 33 y/o. Now I don't see my bestie who still actively uses because I don't want to relapse I told her and she respects that. I don't know what I want to do in terms of hormones, surgery... I see a trans friendly therapist and she awesome but I could spend and hour everyday with her and still not work out all my problems. Hating how I look doesn't make me want to use I guess adds to the difficulty of recovery already.
     
    #1 RachelPaige80, Jul 6, 2015
  2. Posthuman666

    Posthuman666
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    I understand sister. I was addicted to self-harm and came near to ending my own life more than once. After a failed suicide attempt, things still didn't get better. I kept cutting, again and again. Eventually once I accepted who I was, that I am indeed a girl, things started getting better.

    Im not even out yet, so I can't really relate to the hair thing. But just know, things get better (*hug*) If you ever need anything, feel free to talk to me.
     
    #2 Posthuman666, Jul 6, 2015
  3. Chip

    Chip
    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    THE most common underlying issues that fuel drug abuse are issues with sexuality, sexual orientation, and sexual abuse. It is highly likely that whatever you have not dealt with is either the root cause, or a strong contributor to, your addictive behaviors.

    I don't think proceeding with your transition now would be the best idea given the time since getting out of rehab. There's still remnants and residues of the drug and the patterns and effects it has on your neurotransmitter and hormone systems. Starting to transition is difficult for people without a history of drug abuse/addiction; doing so before having really worked through all of the addiction issues will put you at greater risk of relapse

    I do think it's a wise idea to see your therapist as often as you can reasonably afford -- 2 or 3 times a week would not be unreasonable, or doing longer (2 hour) sessions. You can spend time exploring the issues that the drugs help numb you from, the feelings about transitioning, and the process of preparing yourself to transition.

    The important thing above all else is to stay away from anyone who is using, and continue talking about what you're feeling. You can do that here and with your therapist, and if you have any sober friends who would be able to be there with you, it would be great to talk with them as well.
     
    #3 Chip, Jul 7, 2015
  4. RachelPaige80

    RachelPaige80
    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Kent
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you for the response Chip I really appreciate the advice. I do have a lot going on, I don't know. I have self esteem issues even though I've accomplished a lot academically and career wise most people would say but I've never been good enough for my parents especially my mom on top of the trans issues and how I feel society views me/us as a group. Its hard for me to say that "I'm good at what I do and I am proud of what I've accomplished." With so much trans publicity right now while in an lgbt rehab I almost felt like I was invincible its an awesome feeling when its weird to be straight and normal to be gay there. Then coming back out into reality it just sinks back in and the feeling of what the hell do people think of me comes back.
     
    #4 RachelPaige80, Jul 7, 2015
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