That's what I had last week, I'm sure of it. Maybe it wasn't for the first time ever, but it was the first time that I realised that I was having dysphoria. I'll describe it quickly... OK, so my body can be a bit creaky from time to time with physical aches and pains, especially if I don't get enough sleep. As was the case last week on Tuesday night with the full moon keeping me awake. On Wednesday morning (ish) I woke up stiff and sore. It's not unusual for me that physical pain can trigger general moodiness or bring emotional issues to the surface, but it was the first time (that I remember) that the pain was specifically about gender stuff. I was a complete wreck with a lot of MTF ideas running through my mind. I called in sick, even though I was physically OK. I spent hours on YT (with snacks, in bed) watching inspirational videos about people doing MTF transitions. I can't even remember if that was on the Tuesday night, or the Wednesday afternoon -- probably both. That whole week is a blur. I remember that I felt a bit better on Thursday, and almost back to normal on Friday. The point is that I could really see myself in those people's "before" photos, and then I could see how much more contented they were in their after photos, and I thought, I have to do something. But what? I've only just started to privately accept myself as being secretly genderqueer. I'm not sure if I can handle being trans*. Maybe what I'm really afraid of, isn't just being transgender, but being too scared to make things better and to make my life feel more worthwhile.:eusa_doh: This week seems to be off to a much better start! Yay!... I think.. Just last week I felt like my life had no purpose. But now I feel so much happier for some reason. My female body language seems to have kicked into a higher gear. It's very strange! I'm aware of it, but I can't seem to keep it under wraps as much as I'd like, that is, since I'm not out to the world yet.
I feel ya. This describes what I'm going through. Sometimes it feel like I'm holding back a tidal wave in my mind having to hold back not being what I need to be because it's the wrong time yet for most of my family...
I have pain in my joints as well, I have since a kid so I can't chalk it all down to my RA. I read an article somewhere (where exactly I can't remember) about an MTF who had never really experienced much dysphoria their whole life. After starting Estrogen their creaky and painful joints start decreasing in till it wasn't there any longer. They realized that the creaky joints was a form of dysphoria all of its own. I've always wonder since reading that if my pain is dysphoria as well, and I'd yours is as well.
I have had the same sort of experince as you, but my discomfort comes in the form of stress. I have noticed it has been much better since I have been wearing girls cloths full time wile at home. It is a bit harder not to feel some stresd wile at work or school since I can`t wear my favorite cloths.
Thanks everyone I guess I've still got a lot of work ahead of me... One thing that makes it really tough and confusing is that I actually kinda like my body, or at least I thought I did. How is anyone supposed to know if there's anything unusual going on, if everyone is routinely taught by society that various self-hatred 'phases' are completely normal while growing up, and that people should like their body? Not that there's ever a logical argument to support the "should" part. That would be awesome if it helps! I'd almost do HRT just for the chronic back pain, I can be a bit reckless sometimes. But I'm kind of at an early stage of research. I probably could try T-blockers by myself, but I'd much rather do everything by the book, and get a therapist to help me through my issues.
