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Another rant about my gender confusion. (LONG)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by seahawksfan6, Jul 8, 2015.

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  1. seahawksfan6

    seahawksfan6
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    This really long. I feel like an ass for using this site as a place to rant but none of my friends know anything about this so this is my only option. I'm sorry its long don't feel like you have to read this. I'm not dying I'm just freaking out

    So I posted on here a few days ago and I got 2 really great answers both were really helpful :slight_smile: BUT I'm posting again because I'm an obsessive brat!!! So basically I realized that I lost who I am in the past 3 years. (I'm afab if you haven't read my last post) but my freshman year I tried to impress this guy I was in love with and my sophomore I tried to figure my sexuality out while hiding it from others conciously. So I spent a lot of time putting on a show to impress other people and it went on for 2 long years for various reasons, and now I'm at the point where I just don't know who I am. I am lost and I can't remember how I was 3 years ago. I think I might be a boy. Boom there I said it. Cool. FtM here. well. maybe. Cuz I also might be non-binary. Or perhaps a non-conforming female. I told you I was confused!!!!! It started when I was watching a youtube video where the guy was shirtless and I thought if I were a guy I probably would'nt wear a shirt ever, and then I instantly went from obsessing over my sexuality to my gender identity in a matter of seconds. I didn't know much about non-binary identities at the time. I then looked up gender dysphoria and realized I never experienced that stuff before. That, and the fact that I've always been a "girly-girl" made me think that I couldn't possibly be male internally. But I still continued to obsess over these thoughts on and off for about 4-5 months (currently). I knew about trans people for a very long time because of like Oprah and stuff that I always watched as a kid. Don't ask. But I never identified with them and didn't understand how they felt. That's what really confuses me. How that stuff never registered. I hardly remember puberty even tho I'm 17 but I didn't get uncomfortable in any way, but I never remember being like "OMG I'M GROWING BOOBS AND GETTING A PERIOD YAY I'M A GIRL THIS FEELS SO RIGHT AND APPEALING" ...it just kinda...happened. And that was it. I got into makeup too and now I can't leave the house without it. I'm beginning to wonder if I actually enjoy makeup and girly clothing or if people just told me I was pretty and I rolled with it. I just don't know. I don't think I experience dysphoria now..I would say I'm in a constant state of confusion with my body, asking myself if it feels right or if I'd rather have a male body. The truth is...I don't know. I've always had this body and never hated it and I'm used to it. I don't know what having a male body feels like but I think if I were born a boy I would feel comfortable in that body as well. So yeah. I'm confused and questioning my feelings on my body but I've never felt an overwhelming wrongness. Socially!! This is why I feel like I could be a boy. I think my mindset is closer to that of a male, or at least what society says a male is. I can't explain it. I just look at other girls and how comfortable acting girly they are and the way they think and they're sooooo different from me. I just can't identify with their level of think in some situations. I used to get jealous of girls and want to look more like them but I can't experience that for the life of me now. Now I'm just REALLY curious of what it'd be like to be a BOY. But yeah I just think I have a boyish personality in some aspects despite me always looking girly and put together. Also when I was little I was never following my mother up wishing to become a woman someday wearing her heels thinkin I was all womanly and whatnot. I was just a kid. and life was good. Now the word woman makes me uncomfortable because of the box it puts me into. Like I said I have no dysphoria when it comes to being seen/treated as a woman, it feels like people expect too much out of to to participate in certain roles, to act/think a certain way, etc. THAT is what I have issues with. Sorry if that makes no sense. I just hate society for expecting that out of me. Maybe I'm not a girl since I'm so different from them. Maybe I'm just a repressed boy who's hiding behind this shitty girl persona. Which makes no sense considering I've never felt discomfort being a girl. But ya know. Stuff happens. Tune in next time for another exciting episode of My Gender Crisis.

    TL;DR : I don't know who I am and I get worked up over it. That's all.
     
    #1 seahawksfan6, Jul 8, 2015
  2. Posthuman666

    Posthuman666
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    It is a totally understandable thing. I didn't know if i was trans, genderqueer, gender fluid or what for the longest time. Now I know I am a non-binary trans girl. I have a complex gender identity that supersedes that of just trans woman. I am a woman and non-binary at the same time.

    You may want to look into non binary but still trans identities.
    If you need anything feel free to message me! (*hug*)
     
    #2 Posthuman666, Jul 8, 2015
  3. seahawksfan6

    seahawksfan6
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    Posthuman666: Thanks for reading/replying. I guess reading over this, it's kinda really rant-ish and written out of anxiety :/ my first thread I was more calm, but yeah. I don't know what to think any more. Cuz I don't FEEL like a girl but I have no clue what that's supposed to feel like. I feel like I think more like a guy in some situations, but I don't know if I feel like a guy...cuz I don't know what that's supposed to feel like either. I don't know why I'm only thinking in black and white here but it's irritating. I always thought the thought of transitioning and taking testosterone sounded kinda wrong. even before i was questioning i thought the concept of male puberty was icky. I really want to look into seeing a therapist to help me not only with this but other obsessive identity crises I've been having as well but I don't know how to tell my parents w/out freaking them out.
     
    #3 seahawksfan6, Jul 8, 2015
  4. Eveline

    Eveline
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    I would say that you are simply trying to figure out who you are as a person. You are at a stage in your life in which you feel the need to construct a more unique identity. When we are teenagers our identities are extremely under developed and are heavily based on copying the behavior of others. That's why most teenagers can be characterized using stereotypes. As we grow older we feel the need to become more independent and we go through a process of experimentation and self discovery to figure out who we really are. It can in many ways be appealing to adopt labels as they make the process a bit easier.

    However, in my eyes you are making a mistake here, you are confusing gender expression with gender identity. There is simply nothing about your story that really points to you being non binary or trans. However, gender goes beyond finding the right label. What you should most likely be trying to figure out is what does it mean to you to be a girl and how would you like to be perceived by others? Each of us has to tackle these questions and our future often depends on the choices we make. People respond in different ways depenring on the image you project of who you are. I want to point out that you are free to be anyone. You can decide that the woman that you are loves sports, playing video games, enjoys dressing in jeans and a t shirt and all of these are your gender expressions as a woman... you could also shave your head if you wanted to and you would still be female. Each of these gender expressions change the way others respond to you, for example, playing video games makes you more attractive to certain men and less to others, you might be perceived as more intelligent and people will expect you to take less good care of your body and search for signs that reinforce this image. So people will be more aware of signs of physical flaws and neglect.

    I wrote this to hopefully give you some peace of mind and hopefully help you understand what you are going through.

    (*hug*)

    Yael
     
    #4 Eveline, Jul 8, 2015
  5. Matto_Corvo

    Matto_Corvo
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    I think you might be a gender non conforming cis female, but that is just my opinion and really the only one who knows if you are trans is you.

    The thing that makes me think this is that you mentioned that the thought of male pruberty icky before questioning (and now as well?). Most ftms ,binary and non binary, that I have had the pleasure of talking too actually really want the male puberty. Its what they wanted for their own puberty and if they decide to medically transition then it is what they will be going through.

    Yaeli has offered up great advice, as she usually does. I think it would be best to experiment with dressing boyish and such.

    One of the questions I was asked when I was first questioning was 'do you really feel and want to be a man, or are you just in love with the fantasy of it?"
    It'd a good question. The fantasy would be going shirtless, peeing standing up, and a few other things that I think most assigned females think about every once in a while.
     
    #5 Matto_Corvo, Jul 9, 2015
  6. seahawksfan6

    seahawksfan6
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    I am really thankful for those responses! Seriously it means the world to me.
    Yaeli, I will try to take your suggestion of looking into my expression rather than my identity. What you said really hits home for me, that as teenagers we kind of copy the behavior of others and as we get older, search for our individual selves. I think I'm doing that right now, and I might be different and not how I always tried to be, but that's okay. Your advice is always helpful.

    CadutiMorte: I guess during middle school when guys voices were cracking I thought it sounded painful and the thought of having an adam's apple and shaving your face and neck always kinda grossed me out. Still does. Also I would love to experiment with men's fashion, I adore it. My older sis wears boy's clothes and I was shopping with her today in the men's section and I was gonna look for stuff for me but I was too nervous she would judge :/ ugh. that's just something I will have to get over and be brave about. Thanks for the help
     
    #6 seahawksfan6, Jul 9, 2015
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