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Cis girl in some crisis(I spent two hours to just write this, f*ck)

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by hispanicninja9, Jul 8, 2015.

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  1. hispanicninja9

    hispanicninja9
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    Ok. I spent like two hours in this and I erased it because I realized something: what my real problem is.

    Girls: don't you have a problem assimilating your... humannes?

    Let me explain. I feel like there are some normal emotions that are not expected in women.
    Like, women are always supposed to be happy and cute. Or sexy. Right?
    And they are not all the time happy or cute. You know it.
    Well. I don't feel happy or cute all the time. Actually, I spend more time being sad, angry, mad, afraid, and feeling ugly that I spend feeling happy or cute. Way more.
    I don't want to start with the man privileges and all that stuff I don't really want to admit that they exist because I'm too proud and I can't accept that men have privileges. But... think about a guy with depression. He's serious, pensative. He even looks cute in some dark, twisted way. That's what he looks like. Serious. Worth of respect.
    Now, a girl with the same problem is just crazy. Shaking. Not cute at all. Not sexy either. She needs help. She gives you a bad sensation. You feel unsafe close to her.

    Now, take depression and replace it for other things. Like simple sadness. Fear. Anger. Non-girly things. Human things. Do you understand?

    Is it something social or is it part of my sexual inclination towards men?
    I know it is something social. But I just don't know how it can change. Like, that's what I think. And I am a woman. I don't see a solution. A way in which we(or me) could stop thinking this wrong way.

    Just a sad girl that has to be studying if she wants to pass her classes but tries to talk about this weird thing with somebody. Anyone.

    P.S.: if for SOME reason, I don't know which, but if for some reason you want to tell me that I have to go to therapy, let me explain it: yes, I know. I have the contact of a good one. But I just wouldn't have how to pay her. I don't have a job, and my parents don't want me to have one. And I know I couldn't if I want to start college with decent grades. My parents are so indebted. Sometimes I feel guilty for even existing and needing so many things to the point that they have to go trough debts and payment plans.
    Now you know it: don't have kids unless you and/or your partner have stable, well-paid jobs. And if you get pregnant and don't accomplish with that requirements, have an abortion or give your son in adoption. It's hard but that's how it is, apparently.
    So, I have to get a job. God, I don't want to neglect college for a job. Also, my parents don't want me to go to a therapyst. They say it's a lie and that they are all burglars. IT'S COMPLICATED. JUST CONSIDER THAT BEFORE SAYING IT.

    Well, I say goodbye.
     
    #1 hispanicninja9, Jul 8, 2015
  2. Gratitude

    Gratitude
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    Hi there. A lot to ponder! I am relating to the re-writing; I still have been challenged finding my "expression" when it comes to talking about myself, but I think I might have a simple, logical answer, finally. :slight_smile:
    I'm 54, and only in the last few years, have I recognised myself. So, when I joined EC, and struggled to find a starting point in communicating, I had a huge "Duh!" moment, epiphany; of course this is difficult! I have spent decades "editing" myself! Staying safe and programmed in my dominant culture, perhaps?
    Anyway, the whole patriarchal aspect has been an issue for me for as long as I can remember.
    ....and I'm doing it again.... so many things I struggle to express....it's exhausting! :slight_smile:
    Bottom line, confession I guess, I've given myself permission to say what I am able to say, usually inspired by responding to someone else's post, and trust that eventually, I might actually be able to write a decent Bio, or blog, and contribute more.
    Thanks for sharing. Valuable stuff.
    Best wishes on your journey. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2015 at 07:58 AM ----------

    P.S. Oh ya, and I am studying too, and trying to juggle priorities.....I hear you! :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Gratitude, Jul 9, 2015
  3. Eveline

    Eveline
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    Hmm... I think you might be overestimating how much freedom men have to express emotions compared to women. A few weeks ago, I was at a low point and in a sense of despair reached out to my brother for help, my brother's response was to chastise me for being melodramatic... he sees me as male so expects me to be a 'man' and for me to know how to control my emotions.

    Personally, I've never met and befriended anyone who believes that all women should be happy and cute all the time. I would probably feel a bit uncomfortable around someone who never expressed any sadness as it would indicate that something was very wrong and that she was repressing her emotions for some reason. As someone who is attracted to women, I also see little appeal in a girl acting sexy... kindness and compassion are much more attractive to me than a girl who tries to flaunt her body to get attention.

    You do come from a different cultural background and you might be right in context of the people you grew up with. However, once you leave your home and start meeting people outside of your childhood circle of friends and family you will find that you can be whoever you want to be and people will love you and accept you for who you really are... (*hug*)
     
    #3 Eveline, Jul 9, 2015
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2015
  4. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    Ehm... To mods: This might belong under General Support or so?
    Maybe it's okay that it's here, I don't know.

    Well, first, I understand that you're frustrated, and male privilege is a very real thing, but I find it offensive that you say guys with depression "looks cute in some dark, twisted way."
    I have known at least one guy with depression. Being a guy with depression did not make him look cute in any way. It was horrible to watch, in fact. So I hope you see why I take offence.

    So, if I'm hearing you correctly, you think male privilege is very hard to overcome and it annoys you?
    Well, just as white privilege has faded over time, so can male privilege fade over time. I can understand that it's frustrating right now, however.

    I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time getting a therapist because of financial issues. I hope that can change in the future...
    There are free online chat/phone support sites that might be of help for you.
     
    #4 Invidia, Jul 9, 2015
  5. hispanicninja9

    hispanicninja9
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    -IMPORTAN ADVICE FROM THE OC-
    hello hey if you are reading this and hoping for me to replay, let me tell you that I abandoned this thread.
    I don't know what I was thinking when I started it but heck I feel ashamed of it.
    I feel so awful. Probably you spent a lot of time writing wonderful replays but you have to believe me I feel very, VERY ashamed for this. I didn't read them and I don't plan to do it. Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorrry sorry
    I tried to delete this entire thread because of the embarrasment that it means to me but members are not able to do so.
    I am still trying to figure out a lot of things and I know what I stated in the first post is kinda stupid.
    Maybe I read the replays someday, but hardly that will be soon.
    god i feel so ashamed of myself
    why do i keep opening threads in here anyway
    I hope you understand
    and if you don't, well, try to imagine that you're naked in the middle of the street and people just pass around and are allowed to tell you things like "hey you're fat" or "what is up with those fallen boobs?" well people replying in here are allowed to critizise my way of thinking, probably they didn't(again I didn't read the replays), but still I am too afraid when I think about the possibility that they could do it.
    Sorry sorry sorry. I am a coward. I understand if you get mad.
    god why I can't just delete this horrible thing
    p.s.: now i'm going to read other threads because I tried to make chemistry homework and I just can't get one effing exercise done
    eff chemistry and eff all subjects with numbers
    i just want to cry and see if somebody who actually speaks this language can explain my problem better
    (eff my awful english too)
    bye
     
    #5 hispanicninja9, Jul 12, 2015
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