Here's another story. If you make it through, cool. If not, that's cool too. See you at the end! As long as I can remember, I've had bouts where I hide and try on women's clothes/jewelry but urges went away shortly afterwards and didn't come back for a while. I didn't think it meant anything and now that I'm older, it seems to be really hitting me. I don't want to say that I hate myself or my body but over the last, let's say, two years, I've never been happy looking in the mirror. I've always been overweight and unhappy with it but this is different. I don't like my face, my chest, thighs, feet, stomach, butt, hips. It's all for reasons different from what I'd known before. I look in the mirror and I wish all of the things I listed looked more feminine. I found myself sitting on the couch in the living room, with my mom. I'm usually camped out in my room down the hall but I decided to share some company, even if it was silent for the most part. I spent the entire time looking at dresses and makeup/jewelry/accessories on hot topic's website. I sat and just looked at it wishing I could order it, but didn't since I live with a lot of nosy people, and where am I going to put a dress? Besides, I don't know my fit and size and I'm not sure it would even fit the way I want if I did. And I was waiting to use my Hot Cash, which starts today so I just may buy some of the smaller stuff I want I find that I only ever buy clothes that I view as gender neutral, usually leaning more towards the fem side. I don't ever wake up or go through my day feeling like a male. I always wake up wanting to curl my hair, throw some basic makeup on, throw on a cute outfit and go on with my day. I've gotten some pajamas and socks and a little bit of makeup necessities but not much more than that. I've found myself shaving some hair from my body, and I would shave all of it but I'm not comfortable enough for fear that people will notice and question me. I also painted my nails again. I've worn eyeliner and mascara, very lightly, to work and painted my fingernails a sparkly clear coat. My eyes naturally have that look so I took a chance. I've done these things times before. I've had 2 overwhelming anxiety and panic attacks over my body that I can remember. The feelings are every day at this point even though it's not overbearing most days, but they still linger and eventually make their presence more noticeable over time. I felt like I was physically trapped inside a body that I just didn't belong in. There's a lot of other small things adding up day after day but I can't accept being trans for a few reasons. I don't want it to be true, for one. I don't feel it's been enough time to even know for sure. I didn't know about gender fluidity until recently, so I'm looking more into that as it feels more relatable at this point. I can't tell whether I'm one or the other at all at this point, but I keep having reoccurring thoughts of both, but these trans thoughts are slowly making their presence more noticeable. I'll continue to push them aside probably. My thoughts are a bit scrambled and there's smaller details but I won't bore you with those. The gist is there. Thanks for reading my story. Any thoughts/advice/feedback is welcome and appreciated.
