I don't want to be where I am. My town is about as conservative and religious as it gets, if I came out as trans I'd be ostracized. My parents, although good people, are quite simply bad for me to be around. They're always very open with their criticisms, and for a low self-esteem autistic spectrum person, that's really awful. I catalog every one of my failings and mistakes already, I don't need people to be constantly reminding me as well. There are other things. My parents' brand of catholicism is hateful and toxic, and I can't get anywhere near faith anymore because of it. However, things are going well. I've been talking to someone who has been through similar circumstances, and she has a lot of reassuring advice. Another friend has offered to let me go live with her in San Diego if things go horribly wrong. This is the most stable situation I've been in since I came out to myself, if you will. The thing is, I'm miserable. My parents are getting harder and harder to be around, to constantly lie to, and I'm becoming paranoid about people in the community finding out. My depression is creeping back day by day, and I feel compelled to do something to move forward, but there isn't anything safe. How do you help with the waiting? Is there any way to cope with dysphoria without it being visible to others? I don't think I can bring myself to wait as long as it will take to become completely independent, and away from my family. I won't be able to take this for that long.
It's really great that your friend offered you to live with her. What is your situation at the moment? Is getting HRT and so on very hard? Why in that case? And what is your situation with time? You say you won't be able to be independent in a long time? I wrote a blog post (my most recent one) about coping with dysphoria. You can read it if you want to. Is there any way you can talk with a therapist with full confidentiality about your depression coming back and the reasons why? And don't think of it in terms of that you can't take it. Think of it as "have I done my best to make this go faster and smoother?" There are likely some things, big or small, you can do to help your situation. And then that "okay, this is my situation right now. What other things can I do in the mean time?" There are also online resources where you can vent directly to someone who can listen to you.
Let's brainstorm for things you can do to move your life forward? I'll try and start. All of these may not work for you - heck, most of them may not, but hopefully some will, or at least one idea will spark another? 1. Save money (for moving and set-up expenses, for transition expenses, for financial independence generally). If you have a job, set up an automatic monthly or weekly transfer to your savings account. If you don't have a job, look for one. If you can't do a regular job right now, look into babysitting, lawn-mowing, building websites for small businesses, whatever you can think of. Even if it's just chores for your folks in exchange for a small allowance, seeing your savings go up is seeing progress toward your future. 2. Build up your resume and/or LinkedIn. Take the experience you have and re-write and polish it, or go out and get new experience and recommendations. Volunteer. Ask your boss or your teacher or your coworker to write a recommendation for you on LinkedIn. Offer to write one for them. 3. Research the job and housing markets in places where you might want to live someday. If you see a job that fits, send in an application, even if it's a thousand miles away. Some companies will do preliminary interviews by phone or on Skype, even if they eventually want to meet you. 4. Research colleges and universities. Look for places that talk about hands-on engineering, robotics and other design competitions, and 'engineering for the third world'. Look for LGBT-friendly schools and schools in big, liberal cities. Write to their admissions offices; ask about their transfer policies. 5. Give some thought to what it would take for you to make a move to San Diego or somewhere similar BEFORE things go 'horribly wrong'. What practical steps would you want to take to make such a move as successful as possible? 6. If nothing else, just make yourself a calendar and mark off the days till you'll be out of small-town Texas again, just to give yourself some visible reminder that you are indeed getting closer to where you want to be, even if it doesn't always feel like it. Even if, ultimately, you decide to go back to your current university on schedule, you can probably tweak most of the above steps toward making it so that you can support yourself year-round there, rather than having to come home over break periods. Good luck!
I could become independent in the immediate future, but it would be extremely risky. I only have so much money saved, and not much of a resume. My parents are reluctant to let me leave anyways, and although they couldn't actually stop me, I'd rather not open that can of worms. HRT or even socially transitioning are pretty much out of the question. Not only would it risk relations with nearly everyone I know, there just isn't a real gender therapist anywhere nearby. I also am on my parent's health insurance, so they effectively have control over who I go see and for what reasons. I do have a general therapist, but things are weird with him. I've talked to him about the situation, but he seems reluctant to discuss gender related issues at all. Which isn't a good thing for a therapist to be doing, but it's what I have. I also spoke to my psychiatrist about this, and that seems like it might have been a very bad choice. She seems reluctant to believe what I say, and dropped the word dysphoria in front of my mother. It was in a general sense, but you'd think she'd know how much that would scare me. So I don't really know. I still haven't talked to a specialist, which probably isn't a good thing. In reality, I'm probably not in the quandary that I think I am, but I am a very nervous, fearful person and that's probably trapping me more than anything else.
Just a couple more stray thoughts in the 'prepare for transition, even if you can't actually transition now' category: 1. Build up your friendship and support circle, even if it's only online. If you know for sure where you'll be next, [a site I'm apparently not allowed to mention by name here, sorry] can work for making 'just friends' contacts, despite the fact that it's technically a dating site. (I find it doesn't work as well for long-distance penpals without a clear plan, although your mileage may vary.) Facebook groups can be another way to meet people - just be wary of the difference between 'closed' and 'secret' groups if you're not out. (It can be safest to make a secondary profile with a fake but plausible-sounding name for joining groups you don't want advertised to your pre-existing contacts.) and 2. Set yourself some kind of health or fitness goal and work toward it, whether with an eye toward looking good for dating when the time comes, being as healthy as you can for future medical transition, or even just stress-relieving distraction meanwhile. If you're feeling brave, you could even plan and train for a Pride/Rainbow Run somewhere - Austin has one, I think.
If you would want to be independent, follow some of Keahi's might help you get there. I understand. You seem to be worrying about this. But in the future, social transitioning is more or less a must, isn't it? Your situation with your parents having control over who you see is not good. Maybe if you get a job somehow (if you move or not) you could afford to choose your own therapist? He is better than nothing, perhaps, but yes, that really isn't a good therapist. And that^ is quite a terrible psychiatrist... confidentiality should mean more to her even if your mother (and father) is paying for you being there. You will be able to talk to a specialist. It's okay to be nervous and fearful. You will be able to work on that when you have a better therapist/psychiatrist. You're right that you are not in the quandary as much as you think you are. Or rather, you are but you don't have to be, because it's your own fears that are holding you back. Seek support. Reach out and build your courage, and take the necessary steps to improve your life and move forward.
So, I thought I'd update on things. So I had a really bad night with my depression and stuff, and my friend essentially told me that I needed to leave. She's right, I don't feel like I'm safe here, and I can't trust my family. I will never get over my depression if I keep close to the causes of it. I feel mildly bad for my family, they don't know any better. But it's necessary. I've now realized just how much some of what my mother does borders on emotional abuse, whether she realizes it or not. So I'm leaving. Not immediately, but I'm going to head to San Diego somewhere around the end of the summer. I feel better. The fact that there is some sort of plan in place that won't leave me in a city full of strangers is very reassuring. So I'm a bit more hopeful now, and that makes a world of difference. There are still a lot of things that need to be figured out. I'll need to figure out things like health insurance, because my current doesn't cover transition related expenses, and for the offhand chance that my parents cut me off. They aren't those kind of people, but it's good to be careful. There's still a letter to write, because I can't tell my parents in person. My inability to say no to them is almost a conditioned response. Knowing me, that letter will take weeks. This is by no means going to be easy. I've always been a saver, so I have a reasonable amount stored away, but not as much as is ideal. I have some work experience, but probably not enough to immediately make as much as I'd need. I'm okay with these things. Give me a couple of days and I might be in a total panic, but I don't think so. For the first time in months I feel truly hopeful. This does sound very conclusive, but I'd like people to view this thread as not "finished." I'm happy to take any advice I can get. Thanks Rebecca and Keahi for helping already, I really appreciate your willingness to give advice.
I am so glad you are taking charge of your own happiness. I think you are making the right choice. Any time you feel like you have something you'd like to talk about, just post here. Good luck!! (*hug*)
So this is a little bit of thread necromancy, and for that I apologize. It took me a while, but I eventually realized that I'm still really scared. I don't know what impact my decision will make on my family anymore. I've realized that my mother may be becoming an alcoholic, and I worry about how my disappearance will affect her. She's a worrier, and she thinks I'm not capable of taking care of myself. (at one point this was true.) But she still is incredibly close to being emotionally abusive. I'll never become the person I could be in this town. And what if my constant depression and anxiety is wearing on her? Could I be contributing to her drinking? I need to be away from her, but I don't want to hurt her. Also I'm very anxious about the plan to leave itself. I feel like this is too much to ask of a friend, even though it was her idea anyways. I'm afraid of being a burden. I'm not sure how to tell my friends here that I'm leaving them. I'm afraid I won't be able to find a job with a living wage, not with only a highschool diploma and 2.5 years experience at a coffee shop. I'll finally have an opportunity to begin transitioning, but I don't even know where to start. This whole thing is a disaster waiting to happen, but I don't know how long I can stay here if I back out.
You have been in a really bad place and you need to take care of yourself right now. I want to repeat: your mom has mistreated you and right now you need to do yourself this favor. If you feel guilty, you can still call her etc., can't you? The bold pieces stand out to me. You assume it's going to go bad. That's the anxiety talking. And believe me, I know it's not easy to talk back against the anxiety. But please, try. As you said, your friend gave you the idea to live with her - she sincerely wants to help. You are no burden. You're just a person being helped by her friend. There is no shame in reaching out or to accept help. You can tell your friends that you are going away and that you will stay in touch, right? You can find a job. It's fully possibl. Also, can you perhaps go to the social services and ask if there is financial help available from the state? I think it would be the best for you to go on with this.
Thanks. I am probably just worrying too much. Most of my friends still don't know I'm trans, and a handful of them are pretty traditional, so I'll have to make a decision with them. They deserve to know, but they also could out me. It's not likely, but some of them are more of "sort-of friends," and may react badly. I am doing something though. My parents keep my social security card in a fire safe, and I'm not privy to the combination. I'm working on requesting a new one, and I've moved most of my savings out of the local bank I've been using to a more widespread one. It's not much, but at least I'm working towards something at all. Things aren't as bad as I feel like they are sometimes. Either way, interesting times are ahead. I'm anxious and depressed and not coping with that well, but at the same time I'm excited. This is what I've been waiting for, ever since puberty and I began wondering why I felt wrong. And thanks Rebecca. Nearly all my problems are ones that in the end, I'll have to decide for myself. Encouragement helps though, I've never been a self-motivator. And you've made me feel a lot better.
With key in hand that I have a negative bias on this topic, I would advice against outing yourself to "sort-of friends" who are traditional and may react badly. I did that exact thing once. I wanted them to know (that was not about anything LGBT, but rather that I had been sexually assaulted). Well, one of them ran around telling everyone and that I was a "fag". Horrible experience. That said, I think it's a good idea to tell those you know to be trustworthy. First, remember the greater journey you're on. Some years from now you will be able to live your life the way you were supposed to all along. It's tough now - but you'll get there. No, often things are not as bad as they would seem from a rational perspective - it's very good that you acknowledge that. Interesting times are ahead! That's the spirit! <3 Also, there are real-time online resources (free) to access in-between therapy sessions when you feel you need to talk. You can also always vent on my wall if you want to. 8 days a week, sister! (*hug*)
