I'm about to be honest so please don't be cruel! I started out young kissing and touching my girl friends. When I was a teenager I started dating and hooking up with men. I still liked to look at girls though. I got into having group sex and liked it. I then turned to drugs which caused me to turn to prostitution. During this time I hooked up with men and women. Now that I am sober I find it difficult to like men because of my past. I still like the way they look but here lies my confusion. I have always dressed like a guy. I hate makeup and dressing up. I feel like I am attracted to girl but not as a girl, as a guy. I have a small chest and have always wanted implants because I thought that would make me feel more like a woman. I'm not sure how I feel anymore about men or woman. I don't know where to turn. Please help!
Hi! Sounds like you've had a rollercoaster of a life insofar. But I'm here to say that I'm not judging you at all for the life you've led, it's good that you're sober, and better that you're trying to figure yourself out now. The first thing to do is remind yourself that you're not obligated to feel anything for anyone anymore. You don't need to be attracted to men. You don't need to be attracted to women if you have an aversion to men. You don't need to be a man to justify being attracted to a woman. You don't need to be a woman because you were born as one. Love is without boundaries, regardless of orientation or gender identity. I know this seems like common stuff to know, but this is important to keep in mind as you ask questions about yourself, because our pasts can traumatize the way we perceive ourselves, or how we are supposed to be. Trust me, I've been through a similar situation, and it wasn't until I knew what's stated above for certain that I could figure out and come to terms with who I am, and who I love. Now, find some time to sit down by yourself with nothing but your own mind and think about how you feel. No one here is going to give you the answer as to who you are. That's up to you. The most the people here can do is give you support on your journey and answer whatever questions you might pose us. Here are some questions to start yourself off with as you try to talk yourself through this process. Do you feel attracted to women? What's attractive about women? Do you feel attracted to men? What's attractive about men? Do you feel the need to dress more masculine to hide that you are a woman? Or because you feel like a man? Do you fantasize about your attraction to women as a man because you feel like a man? Or because you want to justify being attracted to women? Do you feel that implants would bring you more towards being happy? Or farther away from it? Do you feel the need to be more like a woman because you are born as such? Or because you feel like one? These are just some questions you need to start asking yourself to help you along. It might help to write down your answers and compare them. And don't be afraid to ask questions on here. Are you wondering if you're attracted to women at all? Ask people what made them realize they were into women. Are you wondering how you could know whether or not you're a man? Ask the transcommunity on here how they knew they were the gender opposing theirs. Again, you can't expect to ask what you are on here and have an answer at the snap of your fingers. And even if someone answered you, there would be doubt in your heart because it wasn't a conclusion you drew on your own. So take your time, there's no rush. You have the rest of your life to be exactly who you are, and to figure out who that person is. Good luck. If you have any questions, any at all, please feel free to drop them on my wall. I'm always open to a conversation.
