I'm feeling very confused right now and I'm not sure where to begin... about a year ago I started really questioning my identity in many ways. It feels like most of my teenage/adult life I've been on "auto pilot", not really being myself because I didn't know who that person was. I knew who I was as a child; I was a fiery little brat "tomboy", but after middle school I became a chameleon. If I was noticed I'd try to be whatever the people around me would like, but I specialized in being as invisible and quiet as possible. The self-exploration I started last year came to a pretty big paradigm shift a few months ago where I felt like my entire life made sense when I see myself as FTM trans. I rejected all things girly as a kid, and wanted nothing more than to do whatever my big brother did. I wanted equal treatment as him, and when my parents said "girls can't do that" it didn't make sense to me because I didn't see myself and my brother as different. When I hit maturity, I started *seeing* the difference for the first time. I hated my changing body and covered it up as much as possible in baggy clothing and over-size sweaters (even in the Florida summers!). I hid who I was and stopped doing "boy" things when kids at school bullied me. I learned to not be noticed because if people noticed me, they'd know I was weird. I never got along with other girls and wanted to hang out with the boys, but it felt terrible being seen as a girl by other boys, so I kept to myself. When I started dating, my depression got worse. I felt like "the inferior sex" and all the spark from my youth vanished. I started losing at video games to my boyfriends, I started trying to wear dresses and cuter hair styles. I tried to dumb down the things I said because I found that boys were intimidated by me. I lost my identity. Now, here I am, and I don't know if I'm trans or not. I feel like my story doesn't match the stories of all the people who would have died if they couldn't transition. The people that felt they had no choice but to fight to be seen as who they are. Maybe I'm just a weak person, but I'm so used to hiding and being what others want me to be, that I feel like I could get by if I were forced to live as a female. I don't feel happy about it, but it also sounds less scary and easier than asserting myself. This leads me to doubt if I really am trans, or if I'm just a messed up, depressed person who is imagining all this because they wish there was a way to fix themself. I also feel doubt because, even though I feel really happy being identified as male, I constantly misgender myself. It just feels so programmed into me, like "I am 'me', and 'me' has always been called a she, so I must be a she". As if the word "she" has no meaning except that it is what people called me. But then again, I grew up in a very gender-neutral family, barring rare occasions. I never felt like there was a huge difference between being a he and being a she, so maybe my perspective is weird to begin with. I do know that if I were given the option right this second to take hormones and get top surgery, I would do it in a heartbeat. I want a male body so desperately, and I hate my female body, even if I mess up my own pronouns. I feel like my body has constantly held me back from living. I also hate how sexualized my female body is. The thought of why I can't go outside shirtless in this society makes me want to rip my skin off. There are days I feel I can't get out of bed because of how off my life feels, and that even if I had a male body now, I have so much repression and social anxiety to work through that I'll never catch up to a healthy person psychologically. To top it off, I don't feel *very* male. I don't feel female at all though. Most of the time I feel "neutral" or apathetic, and sometimes I feel masculine, but I always want a male body. Honestly, beside wanting a male body, one could just say I'm a feminist tomboy with crippling social anxiety... is being trans *just* about wanting to change your body to the express the gender that is comfortable, or am I lacking some deep inner connection with "maleness" that a true trans person has? I feel jealous of cis males. I've felt jealous of every boyfriend I've had. I want their bodies. I feel like a feminist would lecture me that I just have envy of their privileges, and Freud would say I have penis envy and daddy issues. I feel like that's bull$#^!, but maybe I'm biased. It's very confusing... and I don't even have health insurance right now for a therapist or hormones. Which leads to more depression because I feel like any possible solution is so far away and expensive, and I can barely afford food right now. It's like there's nothing I can do to get the help I know I need. I feel like I'm facing a mountain of troubles, not to mention the fear of coming out to my family, who all probably won't understand because they place no importance on gender. They won't understand me putting myself in a disadvantage socially and economically because I want to be male, when they think there's nothing I can't do now as a female. Then, there's the problem of my job... if I transition I don't know if I can stay employed. I work part-time for a school, and I can imagine being told that my transition would not be a good example for students. It all feels really hopeless, and I don't even know if I am trans to begin with... maybe it's better if I don't fight the mountain? Sorry for the TL;DR post... my head is really jumbled right now. :icon_sad:
I recommend this video (sorry it's MtF, but the message is the same.) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MybuO0nYw4 It's also a bit longer This one might be better (FtM) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4udq1JIrzM It's all you, man... It can be a hard decision for many, and doubts are okay. If you ask yourself, were there no obstacles, would you want to transition? Would you feel that having a more male body would be more you? Also - Welcome to EC!
Your story is very much like mine and once I an more awake and able to get on a computer (phone sucks for posting) I will try to write you a better comment
Thank you for the warm welcome! I'll check those videos out. To answer that question, were there no obstacles, I would transition in a heartbeat. I feel more sure about wanting to transition than I do about being male... if that makes sense. Or to put it another way, I feel sure that I want a male body, and I am mostly indifferent about a social transition. I don't see a big difference between being male or female; I'd still act the same. Being treated differently by other people would be nice though. I just don't know if I'm capable of the uphill battle waiting for me. >.< Irrelevant confession: Buying men's clothes as part of my transition terrifies me and excites me. I feel like I don't want to be seen as an awkward female wearing male clothing, but I want to wear male clothing. I wish I already had the wardrobe, without having to go out in public to get stared at by everyone. I have no spine over social stuff. I've been working out to try to build more upper body definition, and I'm already thin, but my hips don't lie... and they don't like being evicted either. The fact that I look more like a butch lesbian when I try to dress male is disheartening right now. Bleh!
First off I want to say that there is no such thing as "trans enough." Each transgender person has a unique experience, and if I were going off purely what you have described - I'd say you are transgender. But really, only you can know if you are. I don't think there is some "deep inner connection with maleness" you must have in order to be considered transgender. Instead, try looking at gender like a spectrum... (I think this chart could use some work in the "sexual orientation" section, but it suffices for gender) The people who you have mentioned - that would die if they could not transition - would be on the far end of male gender identity. My theory is that the farther you go with gender identity - away from you biological sex - the stronger your dysphoria will be. However, even if you are somewhere between "Genderqueer" and "Male" that doesn't mean you aren't transgender... The fact that you want a male body so badly is a pretty strong indicator that something is different. Think about it, do cis-girls go around wishing they had a penis and no breasts? I don't think so. If you know you would be happier as a male and you cannot imagine a good future for yourself as a female, then go for transitioning. However, I would caution you here. It's a very serious thing to transition, and if you aren't completely sure this is what you want, it may not be a good idea. The changes caused by hormones and surgery (obviously) are irreversible. My advice would be this: find some way to get into gender therapy. If you can do this, they will help you decide which way is best for you to go. They'll help you clear your head and organize your thoughts concerning your gender identity - pointing you in the right direction. There is always a way. I know it can be daunting and downright scary, seeming like an impossible task. But it isn't impossible. Take baby steps, get support, and be courageous. You can get through this if you want it bad enough. If you need anyone to talk to, or would like advice on further thing like coming out, presenting as male, finding a therapist, etc. I can do my best to help you. Feel free to shoot me a message (on my wall) anytime. Hope this helped. -Peter-
Sounds very trans to me... You don't have to do that!! There is the internet! God bless the internet, seriously! It's cheaper, quicker, and no social anxiety involved. Just a hot tip! I'm doing the opposite... ^^ and yeah, I don't want to be seen as a "fag"... which some might do. But I know that they'll eat their words, every single one of them!! And hanging out with people like on this site helps a lot! Getting acquainted with the community can help you feel less alone in the struggle.
Just read whole thing and yeah, you sound an amazing amount like me. I don't feel male all the time either, but I know how appearing male makes me feel, which is great. I know I will be happier with a male body, buy will have reprogram myself to get use to male pronouns and to socialize male. As another member of this site (Yeali) pointed out in other threads, transitioning is a three part process. You have the physical, the social, and the physoglocial transition. Aydian Dowling made a video about how he has gone as fat as he needs to physically and has fully transition socially, but even after 5-6 years he is still mentally transitioning. I thought it was hopeless to transition as well. After all, socially I am neutral about how I am seen and awkward anyways. That isn't about to change due to a sex change I am sure. Plus its expensive and I would have to come out to a family that doesn't understand, at least not all of them. So I tried to push it out of my mind a handful of times. Here's the thing. What has been seen can not be unseen.I have looked in the mirror and seen a male me, a me that is me. Not an autopilot me or the me others wish for me to be, but the me that I was meant to be. I can never go back to what I was, go back to playing female because that was never who I was. I'm not 100% sure that I am male, but I know the more masculine I make myself appear the happier I am. I don't know if any of that will help you but ask yourself some questions: Now that you can picture yourself male can you go back to the female without feeling that something is missing? Do you think you will always ask what if? Will the questioning come back? Do you feel that you might transition at some point in your life even if it is not now? To me you sound trans. And there really is no such thing as not trans enough.
Thank you for all your replies. It took a while to really process, and I made that post on a bad dysphoria day. It seems pretty ironic that on a day I'm feeling more dysphoria than I've felt in months, I also had the most doubt about my identity. BeckiWoopx, those videos were awesome, particularly the first one. Thank you for sharing them! I've been thinking about ordering clothes online, but I have no idea what sizes to buy, and I don't have a huge budget for clothes right now. I recently found a cheap binder on Amazon.com, and I had to order it twice because the sizing on there chart made no sense, apparently. It was only $6 though, so that wasn't bad. I'm still not thrilled with the fit, but it will do until I can afford a quality one. I'm pretty sure finding my size in men's clothes online will be even less successful. XD Ender, I would love to find a therapist, and I've been trying to. It's difficult right now because I don't have insurance, and there doesn't appear to be any low cost or free outreach centers near me. I live in Miami, FL. I think there's an LGBT community meeting up in Ft. Lauderdale, but I also don't have a car right now so it would be hard to get up there. My boyfriend and I talk about how excited we both are about me someday getting hormone therapy and top surgery, but it feels like such a far away dream. It's really frustrating and sometimes crippling, especially when I have a terrible time trying to pass as a guy. CadutiMorte, it's really reassuring to hear I'm not the only one adjusting to different pronouns. That's been something that's been hurting me for a while, and I've felt too ashamed to admit it. It's also reassuring to hear that someone else is familiar with the "autopilot" feeling I've had most of my life. What's been seen can't be unseen. I know I wouldn't be happy if I went back to the way things were. It feels like a slow death after learning there's a way to live. They say you regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did do, and I think that holds true here. I feel like my life growing up finally makes sense in this perspective. Everything adds up and so much of what I felt that I didn't have words for is finally explained. Today is a good day. My mind is more clear. The road ahead is just terrifying and difficult, and the worst part right now is waiting and being patient.
