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I like looking feminine, but not being seen as feminine

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by sporn, Jul 14, 2015.

  1. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I like looking feminine, but for some reason I don't like being seen as feminine. I'm not trans, but I feel like crap when I get treated like I'm feminine. What the hell is wrong with me? Is it just internalized misogyny?
     
  2. AlexTheGrey

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    I don't think it is wrong if what you want is to present using a feminine style of dress, but get annoyed when people assume you behave in a stereotypically feminine fashion.

    I think from my perspective, something I'd try is to simply understand what causes you to dislike it. Is it because you feel like you don't behave (or want to behave) femininely? Is it because you feel like there are negative consequences to being feminine? Something else?

    Knowing what it is about being treated as if you are feminine that bothers you is a good step forward towards understanding if this is something you want to accept or change about yourself. I don't think it matters if it is internalized misogyny or not, just if you believe the reasons for feeling this way feel like sound reasons to you.
     
  3. sporn

    sporn Guest

    I just feel dismissed when I'm treated like I'm feminine. I hate that my mental illnesses are being seen as me being a typical girl instead of mental illnesses. I once asked a bunch of guys on how to be seen as one of the guys.

    They told me I was too feminine for that. I knew they said that because I was acting too emotional. I'm just sick of being seen as a potential sex partner for men. It makes me go crazy, which just makes me seem more feminine. I hate that. I want to seem masculine to men so they won't put me into that role I hate.

    I also don't fit into the feminine gender role that well. I'm not a nurturing person. I don't want to be the "girl" in the relationship, especially if I'm with a man. I think acting too emotionally makes me seem way more feminine. I think my emotions are just caused by OCD, which is not a feminine disorder.
     
  4. Invidia

    Invidia Guest

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    It could be OCD, social anxiety or internalized misogyny. Or, a bit of all of them.

    Could you think of a way to overcome this?
     
  5. AlexTheGrey

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    I get what you are saying sporn. I'm not sure I'd call this sort of reaction internalized misogyny, per se. It certainly seems to be a reaction to misogyny to me though. And not one that surprises me, if I'm being honest. I see a lot of activism around feminism attempt to distance itself from stereotypically feminine behaviors and presentations. And I get it, since it distances someone from that thing which is perceived to be negative, and allows them to say "I'm not that negative thing".

    I only really don't agree with the practice because it seems to suggest that feminine behaviors or presentation isn't acceptable, and that women should not want to be feminine, and neither should men. Something that to me, avoids the underlying problem of why feminine traits are derided so much and treated as something lesser than masculine ones. Especially when if we fail to really accept the natural variation in people, even if it happens to be marked as "feminine", then all we do is put both men and women in the same box. We don't really get rid of the box and let people be what they want to be, with the traits they simply have.

    I'll add that my viewpoints are somewhat US-centric, where our culture is pretty strongly masculine overall. I also don't necessarily think you fall into this category, but they are just my thoughts on this, and if they help, great, if not, no big deal.
     
  6. wanderinggirl

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    I identify with this so much! I feel like I have much internalized misogyny, in particular regarding expressing my sexuality. I've always felt like as a female it's shameful to be sexual. It's taken me a while to reconcile my needs/wants, especially being queer, with my feminine tomboy nature. I'm slowly discovering a feminism that works for me, to break down internalized stereotypes I have. I read a lot of queer gender theory and a lot of trans* experiences (which explored the very nature of what gender is and isn't). I had to explore pretty far masculine to realize it's not for me, and I take pieces of it with me: I still hate heels (though dresses with boots is fine), and I still hate one-shoulder bags, and I still don't like lipstick, and I still would rather lift weights than focus on losing weight. There are a million ways to femme/tomboy-femme/tomboy/feminine-of-center/however you choose to express yourself.

    I also do tend to seek people who are in the middle of the gender spectrum, in terms of gendered traits: not too masculine and not too feminine. I did even when I dated men and thought I was straight; even moreso now that I date women.
     
  7. glitterpup

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    I can relate with this :/ I want to physically be a boy but also want people to mistake me for female sometimes? Like I enjoy wearing makeup and such